quite possibly this blog's last entry ever!
readers! dear, furry woodland readers! i fear that tonight may be the last night you ever hear from your beloved mr nice guy. alas!
why!? you are asking. what could possibly bring mr nice guy to an end?
i will tell you.
mr nice guy recently became a proud member of the zipcar family. seeing as how the nice guys need wheels one day every, say, four months, it seemed an economical way to have access to a vehicle without being assraped by some rental car agency (just $60 a day? sign me up!). and so, when a friend of mrs nice guy's invited us to her parent's beach house for the day, we knew it was time to pop our zipcherry. tomorrow -- glorious tomorrow! -- is my first day as a zipcar driver.
freedom! rubber and road! pushing tin! 80 glorious mph with the windows open and dizzying jersey fumes wafting into the cabin! born to be wild, motherfucker! BOOYA!
ahem. and yet. tapping some latent kerouacian proclivity is most likely not why i may vanish from the cybernet tomorrow. nah. i have a mortgage. easy access to a fly whip is not going disappear me from the interweb. no. it is because of this: i will
readers. i shit you not: mort wagon. jesus. this might outrank the chevy nova on the list of what-were-they-smoking car names. for it seems tomorrow i will willingly (hell, i will even pay for the privilege -- a mere $60 a day) get into the driver's seat of a toyota DEATH WAGON.
so when the cops find the smoldering remains of my family scattered across two states on the turnpike, do not be surprised. do not weep for mr nice guy; he should have known better than to take the cheapest zipcar available (definitely curse the evil swiss bastards at zipcar, though, then clench your teeth and shake your fist in the air). shed a little tear for the baby, fine, but she's not as innocent as she looks and we were going to eat her anyway. when you are done with all that, do this: consider sending gallons upon gallons of sinfully smoky Laphroaig to my house, to somberly mark the violent passing of your homie and his kin. hell send 'em anyway. or send money, whatever. then light a wee candle for this website, which was always a truly great website trapped inside the body of a truly not-great website.
be strong, readers. be strong. cheers.