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Friday, September 30, 2005

quite possibly this blog's last entry ever!


readers! dear, furry woodland readers! i fear that tonight may be the last night you ever hear from your beloved mr nice guy. alas!

why!? you are asking. what could possibly bring mr nice guy to an end?

i will tell you.

mr nice guy recently became a proud member of the zipcar family. seeing as how the nice guys need wheels one day every, say, four months, it seemed an economical way to have access to a vehicle without being assraped by some rental car agency (just $60 a day? sign me up!). and so, when a friend of mrs nice guy's invited us to her parent's beach house for the day, we knew it was time to pop our zipcherry. tomorrow -- glorious tomorrow! -- is my first day as a zipcar driver.


freedom! rubber and road! pushing tin! 80 glorious mph with the windows open and dizzying jersey fumes wafting into the cabin! born to be wild, motherfucker! BOOYA!

ahem. and yet. tapping some latent kerouacian proclivity is most likely not why i may vanish from the cybernet tomorrow. nah. i have a mortgage. easy access to a fly whip is not going disappear me from the interweb. no. it is because of this: i will wake up be woken at 6 am and i will go to the zipcar parking spot 9 blocks from my home and i will pack my family into a sweet, sweet zipcar ... the toyota matrix mort wagon.

readers. i shit you not: mort wagon. jesus. this might outrank the chevy nova on the list of what-were-they-smoking car names. for it seems tomorrow i will willingly (hell, i will even pay for the privilege -- a mere $60 a day) get into the driver's seat of a toyota DEATH WAGON.


so when the cops find the smoldering remains of my family scattered across two states on the turnpike, do not be surprised. do not weep for mr nice guy; he should have known better than to take the cheapest zipcar available (definitely curse the evil swiss bastards at zipcar, though, then clench your teeth and shake your fist in the air). shed a little tear for the baby, fine, but she's not as innocent as she looks and we were going to eat her anyway. when you are done with all that, do this: consider sending gallons upon gallons of sinfully smoky Laphroaig to my house, to somberly mark the violent passing of your homie and his kin. hell send 'em anyway. or send money, whatever. then light a wee candle for this website, which was always a truly great website trapped inside the body of a truly not-great website.

be strong, readers. be strong. cheers.

14 Comments:

Blogger Neal said...

Blame zipcar for naming the car poorly. There's a Focus in Boston called Festus, which sounds almost as good.

10/01/2005 7:13 AM  
Blogger Kara said...

mort1 (m?rt)
n.
The note sounded on a hunting horn to announce the death of a deer.

no kidding.

10/01/2005 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, zipcars. What will they think of next?

10/01/2005 9:18 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

With a name like Mort, how could you go wrong?

Mort just sounds, strong, sturdy and not flammable.

10/01/2005 9:18 PM  
Blogger Gina said...

well I hope not, I just started reading your blog, and your family sounds great. Hope to see you around...

10/01/2005 9:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you weren't the proud driver of the car in the picture, and that you were merely "projecting" possibilities.

10/02/2005 3:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am much saddened to hear of the Nice Guy Family's inevitable demise by death wagon. One can only hope that tales of Baby Nice Guy's mustard poop and cunning facade of innocence to cover the demon baby inside will continue from Beyond. Maybe future entries will be marked with ghostly "Ooooooh"s and "Boo!"s?

10/02/2005 2:57 PM  
Anonymous JCC said...

Been doing zipcar in dc for a year now. Can't beat it. Our's was Matrix Mordachai

10/02/2005 7:51 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

jcc - mordachai for real?

anonymous #2: actually, as luck would have it, i was strolling through my neighborhood and, lo, right there on garfield st, in park slope, was the bombed-out wreckage of a car carcass. so weird no idea what the story is. it had a very good parking spot, so maybe someone was jealous and took a torch to it. i could also see that there were also about 800 bottles of beer in the burned-out trunk. crazy anomaly. you would think we were in downtown baghdad. anyway, maybe it was an omen for it was that very day that i learned i would be soon taking the wheel of the DEATH WAGON.

or maybe not, because as you can see i managed to survive.

10/02/2005 9:14 PM  
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2/07/2006 1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No!!! I want to hear about your zipcar experience! I just removed myself from that horrifice zipcar family. Pay $341 because damage was done AFTER I returned the car but before the next guy? SURE! I'm money bags, I'll pay for that!

7/26/2006 4:42 PM  
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