deadly seizuring teeth of paralysis and death

let's pay a visit to a book that has been consistently pissing me off since my daughter was born, shall we? it's called Your Baby's First Year Week by Week, and it has been consistently pissing me off. it's actually a pretty good book. very clever premise. some decent info in there. and yet it pisses me off. consistently. i will not go into major organizational shortcomings here, but our child turns 18 weeks old tomorrow, meaning that for now she is in her 18th week, right? let's take a look at the chapter called "Week 18," specifically the "Milestones this 18th Week" section:

• baby "brings feet to mouth; may suck toes." i am fairly confident she would suck mine if i shoved them in her face. but her toes have never come closer than 22 inches from her mouth.
• baby "can squeal, grunt and make a 'raspberry' sound." i don't know if it qualifies as a raspberry sound, but she has discovered the consonant. she sits there going "gggiiiihhh. ggggiiiiiiiihhhhh." which is both cute and alarming. i am not entirely convinced that she isn't drowning in her own drool.
• "your baby is probably rolling over from front to back fairly easily by now." nope.

ok, so she isn't quite up to speed for the average 18 week old. let's check out "Milestones this 17th Week" to see if she's accomplished that which she ought to have accomplished a week ago:

• baby "may make swimming motions, resulting in moving around in her crib." check
• "can distinguish between smells." and yet she doesn't seem to complain when i bring her into the bathroom for some early toilet training. i am using the teach-by-example method; i show her by doing--i even give her a little tiny newspaper for herself. you have any better ideas on how to monitor her and not have my colon explode after my ninth cup of coffee?
• "is interested in making new sounds." it's true: she's moved on from screaming and is working on perfecting the droning, insistent, incessant whine.
• "may interrupt feedings with play." yes. she has this fun game she invented called "choking on milk."

maybe she's ahead of the game on some things? week 19's "milestones":

• "likes to play at mealtime." what? again? are you beginning to see why this book pisses me off?

anyway, the reason i consulted the book today is because i suspect she may have begun teething. so i open up to page 222, and lo, one of the current milestones: Teething may begin soon.

all the warning signs are there. this freakin' kid can certainly drool, no doubt about it. she also just loves to chomp away on my finger, as if it were made out of nipples and chocolate. i walk around with her in the bjorn, not getting hit on by women, my finger in her mouth as she gnaws at, and drools away all over, it. and she also drools all down the front of her bjorn -- within five minutes of every walk there is a spreading stain down her front side, like a seeping chest wound. so there she goes, grinning, drooling, finger-gnawing, arm-flapping: she is the world's tiniest bonkers insane lady. when she's on the changing table, i'll bend over to give her a little kiss on the cheek. her eyes will flash with intense glee. aw, you think, how cute. but! then she will lunge at my face. she tries to bite me! like a cornered feral cat, she lashes at me with her fleshy, drooly mouth, scratching at my eyes with her impossibly-fast-growing nails! she is insane, i tell you. she also tends to cry for no damn reason these days. but that's nothing new. so, fine. let's say she's teething. what now?

"During the last century, teething was considered to be the leading cause of infant mortality. Most serious symptoms of that age group (including seizures and infantile paralysis) were blamed on teething." -- drgreene.com

holy crap! my poor child. i was just getting used to her, too.

now. why is it that paralyzed, seizuring and/or dead babies are patently unfunny AND YET the thought of babies being assassinated by their own teeth is just absolutely hilarious? can you explain that? who knew teething could be so dangerous? i am thinking of buying her a little tiny football helmet and mouth guard, just to help her through this difficult time. think that'll make her look less bonkers?