because i have nothing else to say right now
2. i have never owned a bicycle and consequently cannot really ride one without posing grave danger to myself and everyone within a 50 yard radius.
3. i think i have had 8 knee surgeries. i've literally lost count. most recently, about 2 years ago, i had a dead guy's medial meniscus transplanted into my left knee. i was hoping i'd finally be able to dunk. no such luck. mysteriously, i now speak perfect mandarin.
4. fuck! the baby just woke up from her nap. she wasn't asleep nearly long enough.
5. i studied in grenoble, france, for a year, where i met my first love. she was a french girl from the countryside. i was completely fluent by the end of the year. i have since lost about 85 percent of my french. fortunately, i am still fluent in the language of love.
6. i had a pierced ear for one day when i was 13. when my mom saw my retarded little skull-shaped stud she said "your dad's going to fucking kill you." i took it out that instant. i suspect he knows anyway.
7. i didn't go to prom. i ate a bag of shrooms at the afterparty instead and thought i could read ally sheedy's mind. then i jumped in the pool and almost drowned. when i woke up the next morning i had total amnesia -- couldn't remember who i was. that took a couple of terrifying hours to wear off. just say no, kids.
8. i am totally secure in the fact that i am not the primary breadwinner. i highly recommend everyone get a sugarmama.
9. i was in the thespian club in high school.
10. i was on the fencing team in high school.
11. miraculously, no one has ever beaten me up.
12. not that they haven't wanted to.
13. was once told by an intern that i had been voted the "second-blackest white guy in the office." i have no idea what that means. but i take comfort in it.
14. i make really good mixtapes.
15. not once did a mixtape ever get me laid.
16. i've been swimming in the playboy mansion grotto. twice!
17. i took a poppin' and lockin' class when i was 11.
18. i used to ball boy for the occasional tennis tournament. andre agassi once yelled at me in front of a packed center court when i didn't hand him a fresh ball soon enough. man, i hate andre agassi.
19. i wrote a screenplay with a friend when i was on extended paternity leave -- a comedy about ball boys. i thought it was really funny. nobody else did.
20. the first time i heard the music of the beatles was in the movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band starring the BeeGees and Peter Frampton, which i had on Betamax and watched incessantly. when i finally heard the Beatles' real Sgt. Pepper, i was galled that the songs were in the wrong order and didn't sound as good.
21. the first porno flick i ever saw was also on Betamax. it was called Broadcast Barbara.
22. the last porn i ever saw was on the internet, five minutes ago, between writing items 16 and 17 on this list.
23. actually, now the last porn i ever saw was after writing item 22.
24. i got caught shoplifting on a school field trip to six flags in seventh grade. that sucked.
25. i am a little concerned that the only job i am halfway qualified to do is rapidly disappearing from existence.