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Friday, January 23, 2009

i'm still still not dead


so on
tuesday night i made the most mind-crushingly delicious greek lamb-eggplant pie -- so good it'd make you slap your mama and french kiss your dog. then, in the middle of the night, i developed a wee case of the bloat. i was like the rarebit fiend, tossing and turning through the night because of the pain in my abdomen. curse you, savory meat pie! it felt like someone inflated a balloon with acid right where my pancreas was supposed to be. i tried the child's pose. i tried the plough. nothing would dispel the pain. 

in the morning the bloating was gone. but the pain, she remained. three days later there is a constant dull aching in my right abdomen. because i love scaring the hell out of myself, i decided to do some googling. i searched "pain abdomen right side." i searched "pressure bloating abdomen." i searched "anal sluts." i searched "stomach cramps."

here's what i learned: i either have
appendicitis, hepatitis c, gas, gallstones, indigestion, colon cancer, crohn's disease, pancreatitis, tapeworm, ebola, PMS or malnutrition. basically, i'll be dead by my next birthday. (incidentally, i also learned that anal sluts are a spooky yet oddly alluring breed.)

i swigged some
maalox the other day and while it did result in some deeply gratifying expulsions of gas from orifices i wasn't aware that i had, this nagging pressure/discomfort in my side remains. i was hoping to write a mildly amusing post earlier this week about soccer class, AA and dan zanes, but then I came down with a mild fever and chills on wednesday. so i went to bed at 7:45 wearing a thermal, a sweatshirt and a sweater. 

i have doctor's appointment today. i am inclined to think -- given my history with intensely painful
esophagus-melting acid reflux -- that it is some form of gas or something. (apparently i am a 33 year old man with the insides of an octogenarian hobo). in any event: i am deeply hopeful that it is not the Hep. that would be a tough one to explain to mrs nice guy. 

i'll
let you know how this all shakes out. meanwhile, just when you thought you were done reading pointless year-end lists, here's the Village Voice's increasingly irrelevant annual Pazz & Jop issue. i voted this year. for whatever it's worth here's my ballot -- my more-or-less favorite songs and albums of 2008 (on the day i was filling out the ballot). 

what were your top songs and records of the year?

finally, here's a picture of a shockingly-phallic gallbladder filled with stones:



7 Comments:

Blogger Gringcorp said...

'Ere big man, your ballot link is busted. As for music, there was only one album that was of any utility last year, and that the was the Sunn O))) live album Domkirke. It proved two things: that organs DO have a place in drone metal (there's your vaguely phallic allusions right back at ya), and that Norwegians are a disgustingly polite lot. After all, they hosted a performance by a metal band with very slightly satanic leanings in Bergen cathedral, even though domestic metalheads had previously been very fond of burning such churches down. At which point Sunn O))) included a reference to the worst such incident, Fantoft, next to the lead-out groove on side D of the highly limited edition vinyl pressing of the concert. Make of that what you will, there's no way I'm coming back to look at that picture again

1/23/2009 10:22 AM  
Blogger barbara said...

Ugh, I had the same thing last week. Lasted 2-3 days I ate about 10 million Tums. Try not to eat big meals, eat toast, crackers and little sips of water. No meat for you! And feel better.

1/23/2009 10:46 AM  
Blogger hillary said...

Dude, it is totally your appendix. The same thing happened to me a few years ago. Exactly the same symptoms. I was so convinced I had food poisoning that even when I was in the ER and the surgeon was telling me "you have acute appendicitis" I was thinking to myself, "yeah, right, what do you know?"

1/23/2009 11:29 AM  
Anonymous Lynn (Walking With Scissors) said...

Dude, it's probably your ovaries. ;)

Also, is that gall bladder pic for real? Gross.

I hope that, whatever it is, it isn't serious.

1/23/2009 11:53 AM  
Blogger Momma Trish said...

The gallbladder thing is grossing me right out. Ewwww!

I hope it's just gastritis and you feel better soon.

(My word verification is "ovenestu". Sounds like some kind of abdominal ailment. Maybe that's what's troubling you ... you have an ovenestu.)

1/23/2009 12:10 PM  
Blogger Momma Trish said...

And now, the word verification reads "ducterac", which sounds like some kind of blocked bile duct problem. So maybe you have that?

1/23/2009 12:11 PM  
Anonymous samantha jo campen said...

I'll never forgive you for posting the gallbladder picture.

1/24/2009 11:08 AM  

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