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Thursday, February 26, 2009

like the white dwarf, i am composed of degenerate matter

this post is being posted because tonight i am going out for drinks with LOD, metrodad, mom101, croutonboy, mommypoppins, daddytypes, liz of coolmompicks and alphamom. therefore i need to at least halfway pretend that i am still a blogger. i need to justify my attendance. i need to man up. 

therefore, here is a post:
yesterday, at naptime, my three year old called me into her room. she said "daddy! my hands smell funny when i do this." and then she stuck both fists into her undies and begins vigorously masturbating. then she stuck them under the nose and inhaled deeply. "see?!"

i didn't quite know what to say. i want her to maintain a positive body-image and a develop a healthy relationship with sex. but, "i love the way your vagina smells" would have sounded, well, creepy. and i can't afford any more therapy than she'll already need. so i shrugged and said "uh, do you want to wash your hands?" she said yes. and then she did. and then she napped. the end. 
so then. i am, for now, officially still qualified to drink with these superstars. look for me at the bar: i'll be the shriveled white dwarf in a constellation of hypergiants. even better: drunk hypergiants. 


Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude - disturbing.

2/26/2009 8:37 PM  
Blogger jdg said...

wait, your 3-year-old still naps?

2/26/2009 8:50 PM  
Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said...

She is so going to get you back for this post when she's 18.

2/26/2009 10:21 PM  
Anonymous MetroDad said...

Ahem...Where the hell were you last night?

2/27/2009 10:50 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

i am so ashamed, MD. but in my defense, by the time i was done with bath and bed time (ie, being a responsible, sober/pre-drunk dad), it was getting late. and i was still in brooklyn (ie, not coming from work in manhattan). and it didn't help that the damn bar you chose was about 12 miles from any useful subway. and i was working till midnight on tues. so very tired.

also, i am a whiny, whiny little bitch.

2/27/2009 11:19 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...


2/27/2009 12:54 PM  
Blogger nelson said...

I guess you'll have to delete your blog (or at least this post) as soon as your daughter can surf the web. Talk about being traumatized...

2/27/2009 2:08 PM  
Blogger Brian said...

Mr. Nice Guy,

I don't remember how I found your blog, but I am a father of 2 children under 3, and until recently, I worked in lower Manhattan. In November, my wife and I moved our family back to Washington, DC, due to a professional move...

Anyway, I love your tales of fatherhood, and I must say, this post represents something I am especially uncomfortable with and don't know how to handle -- so thank you for sharing.

My 2.5 year old daughter has a disturbing tendency to perform a maneuver I've all too often seen in porn -- when getting her diaper changed, she will frequently open her legs and tap/smack her privates with the palm of her hand. I have to look away and choke back the desire to say, "Stop that! Stop it! You're not Jenna Jameson!"

It is with considerable unease that I anticipate that first masturbatory moment. It sounds like you handled it just about as well as you could have -- and thanks for sharing a difficult moment.

2/27/2009 11:52 PM  
Blogger Mom101 said...

Suddenly I'm not as distraught that you were a no-show.

Man I guess I'm lucky that my girls haven't entirely discovered the [joys?] of self-love just yet

2/28/2009 8:49 AM  
Anonymous Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

Get your hands out of your pants is a several-time-a-day refrain around here.

3/02/2009 9:55 PM  
Anonymous Kila said...


I think you handled the situation well. "Wash your hands" and don't make a big deal about it. Hmm, but if she does it again, might want to mention not doing it anywhere but at home/in private.

3/06/2009 8:01 PM  
Blogger Elisa said...

Ah, the joys of parenting. Never a dull moment. Lots of awkward ones.

BTW, I should mention this is my first visit to your blog. Way to make an impression, dude :-D

4/30/2009 8:53 AM  
Blogger Black Hockey Jesus said...

Consistency, dude.

4/30/2009 2:31 PM  
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8/13/2009 6:49 AM  
Anonymous Will Holmes said...

Hope you got to drink! Maybe next time, Who's Your Daddy? ( will get invited to drinks too.

10/22/2009 3:15 PM  
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