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Tuesday, August 02, 2005

enough to make a brother want to move to minnesota

sorry not much activity on this site lately ... not much activity with the nice guys worth reporting, frankly. yesterday, however, we did take the little monster in to have her nose electrocuted again. treatment number two. there was no reprieve this time. the event itself was less traumatic that the first zapping. we knew she would scream, we knew she would then nurse and pass promptly out. all good. and then her nose splotch would turn black and gradually the appearance of the hemangioma would subside. all old hat. no problemo.

the day's drama actually occurred on the subway there and then the taxi ride home. (of course, if you were to ask the baby, she would tell you that the drama of the day occurred neither in the subway, a ride she rather enjoyed, or the taxi, a ride she slept through. no the drama for her was getting eight thousands watts of laser fired up her nostril).

so there we were, the happy family, riding the subway to see the doctor who would assault our child. baby was in mrs nice guy's lap looking around. minding her own business. then it happened. it started as a loud disembodied voice: "ladies and gentlemen, i am sorry to bother you today. but i am not on drugs, i am not a drunk. i am a homeless widow and mother asking you for a little compassion today. god bless you." all eyes on the train instantly went straight to the ground. nobody acknowledged this poor homeless lady, because frankly, who knows what her real story is and anyway we just want to ride the subway in peace. so i applied myself to my new favorite hobby of attempting to make my daughter smile. the loud homeless lady made her way to our end of the train, cup in hand. nobody gave her any money and she left them largely unmolested. she merely proceeded down the train "god bless. any help you can give would be appreciated. god bless."

and then she spotted our daughter.

mrs nice guy (because i for one refused to even acknowledge this grinning loon, hovering menacingly over my family): eleven weeks.
insane homeless lady, leaning ever closer in: LOOK AT HER LITTLE CHEEKS! SUCH AN AAAANGEL. WHAT IS THAT ON HER NOSE?
mrs nice guy, trying desperately to make this person go away by being ice cold and very blunt: a tumor.

and then, ladies and gentlemen, this insane homeless subway train lady reached out and TOUCHED MY DAUGHTER'S HAND. oh fuck, i thought, now she has the clap. worse: i felt every individual muscle fiber in mrs nice guy's body immediately constrict in physics-defying tension. a rampaging fire flared up in her eyes. the other riders on the train, who had until this point been watching the interaction in bemused there-but-for-the-grace-of-god detachment, suddenly sucked all the air out of the train. about 100 people thought to themselves "oh no she di'n't!"

but, yes. she did.

mrs nice guy hugged the baby a little closer to her and, sporting a clenched, cold smile, said nothing, but managed nonetheless to telepathically communicate to this woman that if she came within a molecule of touching her daughter again, the MTA would be cleaning tiny bits of insane homeless subway lady out from every nook of the train for months to come. the insane homeless lady went on her merry insane way to the next car on the train.

(just to prove i am not a despicable yuptard who hates the homeless: on the elevator leaving the doctor's office some nice man in a suit reached out and touched the baby's foot. mrs nice guy actually whimpered out loud -- everyone in the crowded elevator turned to look at her. the nice besuited man did not touch the child again. (he did, however, steal my cab home! fucker!))

as i mentioned in the paragraph above, i took a cab home with the baby. mrs nice guy ventured out into the city to ditch her family long enough to get drunk and laid run some errands while i escorted the dozing post-laser-attack baby home. (a word about manhattan cab drivers: they don't like taking people into brooklyn--even though it is ILLEGAL to turn a rider away--because it's hard to pick up another fare. also, lots of them are just dicks.) with slumbering child in the back seat, our cab hurtled at egregiously reckless speeds towards the manhattan bridge. at the entrance to the bridge, we came to a light. so the cab driver stopped. he got out of his car and walked up to the cab in front of us. he talked to the driver. he came back to our car and got in. he said "i am not taking you to brooklyn. i have to be somewhere in the bronx. the cab in front of you will take you the rest of the way."

mr nice guy: are you fucking joking me?
assfucking cab driver: i am sorry.

mr nice guy: i have a baby! you would do this to someone with a baby?
assfucking cab driver: no. see the fare is $9. i will only charge you 6.
mr nice guy: how about i pay you a GO FUCK YOURSELF.
assfucking cab driver: please. only $6. i am sorry. i cannot take you to brooklyn.

not wanting to fight or, for that matter, to have to kill him and then go to jail where i would almost certainly get gang raped because of my pretty mouth, i handed him six bucks. i did say the word "fuck" as much as humanly possible, especially when the entire contents of my wallet spilled onto the chinatown sidewalk. oh, the despair! i just wanted to get my sleeping time-bomb baby home before she erupted into windshield-shattering screams of rage and hate. so i scurried over to the waiting cab in front of us. the new cab driver was very nice and very accommodating towards me, my baby and my loathing for his fellow assfucking new york city cabdrivers, who, incidentally, should take note: i gave the nice cab driver who took me home a FREAKISHLY HUGE ELEPHANTINE TIP.

the nose-blackened baby slept all the way home. before waking up and not sleeping again for hours and hours and hours and hours.


Anonymous Julie said...

What a cab driver, I would have been SO pissed off! Glad your daughter missed the frustrating moments though, it wouldn't have helped I'm sure.

8/02/2005 3:22 PM  
Blogger buqt said...

You are nicer than me - I wouldnt have paid him! That is insane! Hope karma comes back and bites him in the butt!

8/02/2005 3:48 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

In Minnesota, instead of homeless loons on the subway, you'll just have fat middle-aged women who talk funny cooing like nuts and getting all in your baby's face. you can't escape it, cute is cute and nutty ass old ladies are nutty ass old ladies.

8/02/2005 5:05 PM  
Blogger cmhl said...

hope nose-blackened baby feels better soon!!!!

8/02/2005 5:45 PM  
Anonymous minty said...

actually I DID move to Minnesota for such reasons among many others and I have to agree with Dutch--there's that up in the face cooing thing. in my book vastly preferable to the whole subway crazies thing.

8/02/2005 6:20 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

In Germany the old ladies gave my two-year-old son hard candies from their cavernous purses.


8/02/2005 7:57 PM  
Blogger ~raammartin~ said...

Ahhhh, New York! Never been, but it's sounding like more and more fun every time I read your blog. I must visit some time.

Sorry Cab Driving Asshead!


8/02/2005 10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the homeless lady touching the baby story was absolutely hilarious. i can RELATE. WOW....thanks for the laff....

8/02/2005 10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From DJ's mom...WOW i greatly enjoyed the laugh about the homeless lady. sorry i know it's a serious story and I can totally relate!!!!! you're BRAVE. Great sense of humor. Hope baby doesn't have the cooties now LOL

8/02/2005 10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate baby touchers. What do they think they're doing? And it's always the most feral people who are the most persistant. Eww...

And I agree with buqt, I would have refused to pay that taxi driver too, then I would have got his cab details and made a complaint against him. But hey, that's why you're Mr Nice Guy.

8/02/2005 11:15 PM  
Blogger B said...

Well all I have to say is that Minnesota would welcome the Nice Guys with open arms. We do not have a subway system and people almost never take cabs. Although every time I read your posts it makes me long to visit New York again soon . . . visit. I love New York, but Minnesota isn’t half bad either.

Hope the daughter is doing well and that the treatments do the trick. We are all rooting for her.

That cab driver should lose his license for doing that to you. Next time just be sure to get his cab # and let the 'ol transit authority know what a service he is to the community.

8/03/2005 12:22 AM  
Blogger sozzled said...

ok ditto those who say no cabs in need to CALL them ON the phone and wait for them to arrive. there is the lightrail and it is speedy and MN nice all over with people not acknowledgng each other in a v lutheran way. likeyou could die and they would refuse to make eye contact with you.

but with the fucking cold in the winter I don't know that it is worth it.

8/03/2005 12:51 AM  
Blogger justdawn said...

Baby touchers...and pregnant belly touchers...

What makes people think that they have the right to lay their hands on wee babies, born or unborn??

And Misfit...we are in Germany now...and I can SOOO relate to the old German people giving my kids candy at every possible opportunity! What's up with THAT?!?

8/03/2005 3:53 AM  
Blogger momma of 2 said...

I sooo hate baby touchers, pregnant belly touchers too! Where I live from the moment you start showing until the kid is in high school going to the store is a problem, unwanted advice, remarks, touching - YUCK! Can't stand the touching...

The cabdriver - he'll get always comes back...

8/03/2005 8:43 AM  
Blogger Slimbolala said...

Yeah, unfortunately it seems to be the folks with the largest array of virulent and exotic diseases who are the most enthusiastic about touching babies.

8/03/2005 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess I am really ignorant on this issue. I always thought it was ok to touch the top of the head, or possibly a cute little toe, or knee, as these are parts that are not going to be going into the mouth. Ahh gee whiz, you can't possibly stop people from wanting to touch a wee one. It isn't a terrible thing if done without potential harm. People do love to touch babies.

8/03/2005 5:53 PM  
Blogger The Apprentice said...

Eeeeew You never know where people's hands have been. I hope your daughter is doing well despite the yucky old lady.

8/04/2005 12:36 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

When my son was very small, maybe a few weeks, I had him in the baby carrier atop my shopping basket at a Wal-Mart. (I know...I'm asking for trouble there.) Once the cashier was finished ringing me up, she leaned over with her dirty, "I've-been-handling-cash-and-credit-cards," hands to touch my son's hands. I nearly came unglued. So hate the baby-touchers!

8/04/2005 8:24 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

yeah I agree with BUQT, I would have not paid the AFCD... that is just wrong...

8/05/2005 2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A hemangioma is NOT a tumor. It worries me that you are pursuing laser treatment at such a young age and believe things like a hemagioma is a tumor.

8/07/2005 2:06 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

anonymous: a hemangioma is, in fact, a tumor. a benign tumor, but a tumor nonetheless. don't take my word for it, though, do a little research. read this:

also, the laser treatment was recommended by one of the country's leading vascular specialists.

it worries me that you know not of what you preach.

8/07/2005 8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually my child has a hemangioma and I have done nothing but research this for a whole year.

8/07/2005 9:28 AM  
Blogger Brian said...

well, then, do it better!

8/10/2005 10:47 AM  
Blogger Brian said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/10/2005 10:47 AM  

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