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Sunday, July 24, 2005

t-minus three days until Wife and Child return

so mrs nice guy has left the cape. instead of coming home to her doting husband, however, she has gone to vermont with her dutch mother and grandmother until WEDNESDAY. fine. i can take a hint. i don't need you around anyway. to be fair, she did send her dutch uncle and aunt and teenage cousins to manhattan for me to entertain for three days. so, i have that to thank her for.

honestly, the truth of the matter is that if the wife had come home today, here is what she would have found:

  • about three inches of dust coating everything. picture frames, lampshades, cats, underpants (which, come to think of it are dangling from one of the aformentioned lampshades). everything.
  • if i may quoth coleridge: bottles, bottles everywhere and not a drop to drink. (because, erm, it's all been drunk)
  • a fridge that looks like the interior of some horrible Area 51 alien dissection chamber.
  • the bed, she has not been made or changed in weeks. the white sheets have a charming lemon meringue hue to them. oddly, they taste like lemon meringue too. mmm, pie.
  • i believe the brooklyn board of health is on the verge of condemning the bathroom. please don't make me go in there.
  • it's been 90 degrees around here lately. the plants on our balcony need water every day. did you know that? i didn't. i thought the 100 percent humidity would take care of that. i was wrong.
  • i was petting one of the cats the other day until its total stillness made me recoil in terror at the realization that i had been cuddling with a hairball bigger than my head.
  • (note to self: delete traces of all websites visited this week.)
  • i did not totally neglect to clean everything around here: my guitar is bright and shiny, nice and polished, with a sparkling new set of strings on it.
  • she should be impressed that i have been reading the newspaper, front to back, every single day. she should not be annoyed that a week's worth of newspaper is strewn throughout the apartment.
  • why do laundry? when your wife earns more than you do, you can just buy new clothes when the old ones get dirty!
  • i alphabetized my cd's! again!

when wednesday rolls around, i am sure everything will suddenly look much better around here. it's not a matter of doing anything so drastic as tidying up, though, it's a matter of adjusting your standards a little. i think mrs nice guy can handle it.


Blogger Candace said...

Just douse the whole thing with gasoline and throw a match on it.

7/24/2005 5:13 PM  
Blogger ~raammartin~ said...

You crack me up. I can't wait to read Wednesday or Thursday's blog. hehehehe

7/24/2005 5:56 PM  
Blogger Denotsko said...

Does it have that funny sock smell? It always amazes me how fast that pile of socks under the coffee table can grow. AHHH Good times.

7/24/2005 11:43 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

Yeah wednesday night's blog (when you are sleeping on the couch) will be an interesting read. LOL, but who am I to talk when my hubby is the one who cleans our house. Good luck with your last few days somewhat to yourself :)

7/25/2005 2:37 AM  
Anonymous denotsko's wife said...

Yeah...good times indeed...

In my own absence from our humble abode, similar circumstances occured.

I *love* coming home to the stench of foot and ass...and a hint of FEBREEZE. Word to the wise...that stuff does *not* create a fresh and clean scent when there is still funk lingering about...

OH...another thing I love coming home to is a LARGE pot of furry, rainbow colored clusterfuck stew in the fridge. Apparently it took denotsko several weeks to perfect this concoction, comprised of, well, every single ounce of food in our house. It was most pleasant...and then he yelled at me when I threw the stock pot in the dumpster...stew and all. I am not sure which he wanted to salvage...but I am sure that the whole lot would have created some sort of health risk.

And the bathtub should *not* have a brown ring around the inside of just shouldn't.

Nor should the toilet.

7/25/2005 6:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should listen to denotsko's wife... or prepare to listen to yours.

I've also found lame excuses in all forms of "this should work" never do. Good luck!

7/25/2005 9:09 AM  
Blogger momma of 2 said...

Call Merry Maids...they will have it clean in no time! No matter how much they charge it will be worth the smile on Mrs Nice Guy's face...because nothing is worse than coming home to a pit. Trust me on this one!

7/25/2005 9:37 AM  
Blogger Denotsko said...

I can neither confirm nor deny the validity of Mrs. Denotsko’s previous statement or if there is any affiliation with the before mentioned Denotsko household.

7/25/2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger cmhl said...

I second the merry maids idea--- to depressing to try to do it yourself!

7/25/2005 8:40 PM  
Blogger Gabriel said...

So that's what married life is all about.. haha

7/26/2005 1:50 PM  

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