giant baby eats new york, news at 11

so i forgot to mention that we learned something rather alarming about our little bozo-the-red-nosed-daughter the other day. when we were at the babyvet's, getting her nose electrocuted, i asked if they wouldn't mind weighing her, just out of curiosity. you see, i have noticed lately that--while holding her and weeping silently as she refuses to sleep--my puny arm muscles ache with a soreness as if i had been pumping serious iron all day. why should a widdle biddle baby put such a hurt on my biceps?

i'll tell you why: she clocked in at 11.4 pounds! good lord! what has mrs nice guy been pumping out of her bionic mammaries?

you may recall that at birth, seven weeks ago, she weighed 6 pounds and change. do you realize what this means? in seven weeks she has nearly doubled in weight!

this is a very dangerous fact. can you imagine what you would look like if you doubled in weight every seven weeks? why, at this rate, kidzilla will weigh 23 pounds at 14 weeks -- 46 pounds at 21 weeks!

ladies and gentlemen, according to my calculations, by the time she reaches the end of her first year, she will weigh more than 800 pounds! why, her nose alone will weigh more than what a child her age should weigh.

what kind ... of ... monster have ... we created?