am also posting this on craigslist
i know it's been a while since we last spoke. i am sorry. i have not been neglecting you. my parents were in town, meeting their grand-daughter. it was a very nice, long weekend. but that's not what i am writing to tell you about (more later on that topic, perhaps).
i also know, internet, that it's very late. it is after three in the morning. normally i would not bother you at a time like this, but the fact that it is so very late has something to do with why i am approaching you. you've been very good to me through the years. you've been a buddy, a guide, a confidant and, occasionally, a lover. so let me offer you something in return:
would you like a baby?
she's in perfectly good health (has a hemangioma on her nose, but we will either treat that or let it involute on its own). she's also very, very cute. she smiles just once a day, in the mornings, mostly because she is planning all the things she has in store for me during the coming day. she is a special kind of baby -- one that apparently needs no sleep in order to survive. she also apparently needs to have one of your fingers in her mouth at all waking moments, which is, as you'll recall from the last sentence, every moment. pacifiers are for lesser babies. (am considering inventing a pacifier that looks, feels and tastes like my pinkie but isn't attached to me -- would you buy one?)
anyway, i'm going to let you have this remarkable child at a steal. you can have her for free. just come get her. now.
seriously, internet, think about it.