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Monday, June 27, 2005

am also posting this on craigslist

dear internet.

i know it's been a while since we last spoke. i am sorry. i have not been neglecting you. my parents were in town, meeting their grand-daughter. it was a very nice, long weekend. but that's not what i am writing to tell you about (more later on that topic, perhaps).

i also know, internet, that it's very late. it is after three in the morning. normally i would not bother you at a time like this, but the fact that it is so very late has something to do with why i am approaching you. you've been very good to me through the years. you've been a buddy, a guide, a confidant and, occasionally, a lover. so let me offer you something in return:

would you like a baby?

she's in perfectly good health (has a hemangioma on her nose, but we will either treat that or let it involute on its own). she's also very, very cute. she smiles just once a day, in the mornings, mostly because she is planning all the things she has in store for me during the coming day. she is a special kind of baby -- one that apparently needs no sleep in order to survive. she also apparently needs to have one of your fingers in her mouth at all waking moments, which is, as you'll recall from the last sentence, every moment. pacifiers are for lesser babies. (am considering inventing a pacifier that looks, feels and tastes like my pinkie but isn't attached to me -- would you buy one?)

anyway, i'm going to let you have this remarkable child at a steal. you can have her for free. just come get her. now.

seriously, internet, think about it.


Blogger cheryl b. said...

Ah yes, the newborn days, I remember them fondly. Wait, no I don't, they sucked. I would be willing to come and snuggle her, but when the shrieking starts I'm outa there.

6/27/2005 3:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, yes, guess who (MILNG). I'd come get her in a second, and you could sleep, sleep, sleep, wouldn't that be nice.

6/27/2005 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The other day I said to my husband: "Teenagers sleep a lot, right? So definitely by the time she's 13 I'll be able to sleep through an entire night?".

To which he replied darkly "Yeah, but teenagers date. And stay out all night. We're never going to sleep again."

Seriously, it gets better. Or so people tell me. I wouldn't know, since my 8 week old thinks sleep is a communist plot designed to make her miss out on valuable staring time.

6/27/2005 10:33 AM  
Blogger desertUndine said...

It gets better. Just wait. Once she calls you Daddy - or her version of it - you won't look back. I won't even babysit kids under one anymore - I figure - I've had mine, and I don't want to be reminded of THAT time their lives -OH NO.....

6/27/2005 11:21 AM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

awww... she sounds so cute, but that whole lack of sleep thing... it's scaring me! Pinky pacifiers.. I would try it out.. just don't want you to have to actually cut yours off and give it to my baby.

6/27/2005 1:06 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

Oh, dear... it gets easier. I swear. She'll have to sleep eventually. Even terrorists and spies, specially trained in coping with sleep deprivation for long periods, must... sleep... eventually....

As "Anonymous, the Second" points out in the above comment, between the ages of 13 and 17, there's every reason to assume she'll be asleep approximately 60% of the day. I can personally attest to this, having been a teenage girl, and now having raised one as well.

Can you hold out for another 17 years?


6/27/2005 3:26 PM  
Anonymous crazedparent said...

have you tried the soothie pacifier? just might do the trick...

my second son is almost 6 weeks old so i hear ya. hang in there -- it does get better and easier!

6/27/2005 5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll take the kid. Thanks.

6/27/2005 6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll take the kid. Thanks.

6/27/2005 6:20 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Have a second one. We just did. Then the fun really begins!

6/27/2005 6:34 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Repeat after me:

It gets better.
It gets better.
It gets better.

Drink something with alcohol in it.

Buy one of every single brand of binky until you find one she likes. $100 or so to find out which one it is is so minor, really, compared with the RELIEF you will feel.

Take lots of pictures. That won't make you feel any better right now, but just think of all the embarrassing you can do when she's older. Make 'em naked pictures.

It gets better.

6/27/2005 10:17 PM  
Blogger Myra said...

Yes, it gets better. Have you tried "The Happiest Baby on the Block"? That book saved us.
And just when my husband thought his pinkie would never be the same, she started teething. And he was right.
But seriously, it gets better, but when we figured out the swaddling/white noise thing, we all slept better. Good luck.

6/28/2005 12:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would totally buy that soother! Go get the book man! "Happiest Baby on the Block" and a big square blanket...set the radio to static and turn it up 6 months things'll settle down...promise!

6/28/2005 12:33 AM  
Anonymous jmj said...

Nose picture! I demand a nose picture. You can't expect us to buy a pig in a poke, now, can you?

6/28/2005 5:08 AM  
Anonymous Rosa said...

I can't help noticing a certain, uh, disconnect between this post and the one before it.

6/28/2005 8:14 AM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

Yeah I remember when my pinky was not my own. We eventually found ONE pacifier that he liked though. It was the silicone (or clear) SHAPED Nuk pacifier (it is shaped sort of like a nipple). It was the only thing he would take besides my nipple or my pinky.

It is actually called a Nuk Orthodontic Silicone Pacifier.

Not sure that will come through okay, but best of luck.

6/28/2005 10:10 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

angela, if that pacifier works i will send you a million dollars.

6/28/2005 10:39 AM  
Anonymous sarah said...

This thing is the best purchase you will ever make!!! Sounds like you need it.

6/28/2005 10:42 PM  

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