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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

alarming things my child does that i am gradually learning are apparently normal



even with nearly a month under my puny father-belt, these supposedly normal baby things still greatly unnerve me.

my cherubic daughter:
  • will be fast asleep when, all of a sudden, her eyes jolt open, cross slowly and roll backward into her skull.
  • will be fast asleep when, all of a sudden, her arms jut out and quickly vibrate before falling, lax, at her side.
  • has frequent, runny, yellow bowel movements. like french's moutard.
  • will be calm and placid on her back, kicking her legs and having a good time (almost smiling, even), when all of a sudden her face collapses into a prune-y scowl before she emits a piercing, stabbing wail.
  • vomits out of her nose. she looks like a character in some film noir that has been shot in the head or something ... only instead of red blood she has white blood.
  • has been known to pant like an excited puppy.
  • will be asleep when an evil, satanic, demon smile flits briefly across her face.
  • has mongolian spots on her bottom and her arm, leading us to fear that strangers will suspect we beat her (which we, despite often understanding the beautiful logic of doing most mornings at 4 am, don't do) and have the department of child welfare take her away.
  • occasionally tries to sneak my left nipple into her mouth.
  • forcefully jabs her fingers into her eyes while she is feeding, screaming or, sometimes, sleeping.
  • does not like baths, clothes, jazz, sleeping on her back, sleeping on her side, sleeping at night, sleeping quietly, allowing her mother to have meals or showers, fully digesting milk, rationally explaining to us what it is that is causing her ennui, pacifiers, her father.
but i am told this is all perfectly normal. right? right?

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not one thing you mentioned that I haven't seen, or heard before. All's well in baby land, it's just parent land that has trouble. Hang in, she's obviously stolen your heart.

6/01/2005 9:00 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Absolutely normal and perfect.

6/01/2005 9:42 PM  
Anonymous Not-For-Profit-Dad said...

Well put precis of the first month of fatherhood. It only gets better/more complex/ stinkier /emotional / tiring/ wonderful.

Enjoy.

6/01/2005 9:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds normal to me! (typing 1-handed while nursing 1 month old)

qlthough if she spits up/vomits a LOT, and doesn't like sleepin flat, but will sleep while on an angle, like in a car seat or bouncer, she may have baby reflux.

6/02/2005 7:31 AM  
Anonymous Kelly in Seattle said...

Photograph those Mongolian spots and carry a pic in your wallet, so when you're in the changing room at the pool and some "concerned do-gooder" decides to "help" by calling CPS, you can whip out the picture and say, "She's had'em since birth!"

They'll either believe you and go on their merry way or think you're one sick fucker for beating her in the same spot every time so you can use Mongolian spots as an alibi...hmm. Well, good luck to ya!

6/02/2005 11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your daughter and my newborn son (two weeks old) are meant for each other...they can grunt, do the psycho sleep eyes and claw at their faces together...

6/02/2005 4:12 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

Perfectly normal. Perfectly unique. Perfectly perfect. The "vomiting out of the nose" thing is new to me, but if her head doesn't spin 360 degrees around, I wouldn't give it a second thought. In fact, you could pretty much use that as a litmus test -- does her head spin all the way around? No? Then she's cool.

~C~

6/02/2005 6:33 PM  
Blogger Mater Nice Guy said...

Hummm, I believe that your head did often turn 360 degrees during the first two months of your birth. However, not to worry, it doesn't last past 15 years old. It might be an interited trait. Nothing to worry about.

6/02/2005 10:03 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Roop said...

yep. expect more vomit. as a virus. and then the three of you will just pass it to each other over and over and over.....

good times.

6/03/2005 12:03 AM  

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