alarming things my child does that i am gradually learning are apparently normal
even with nearly a month under my puny father-belt, these supposedly normal baby things still greatly unnerve me.
my cherubic daughter:
- will be fast asleep when, all of a sudden, her eyes jolt open, cross slowly and roll backward into her skull.
- will be fast asleep when, all of a sudden, her arms jut out and quickly vibrate before falling, lax, at her side.
- has frequent, runny, yellow bowel movements. like french's moutard.
- will be calm and placid on her back, kicking her legs and having a good time (almost smiling, even), when all of a sudden her face collapses into a prune-y scowl before she emits a piercing, stabbing wail.
- vomits out of her nose. she looks like a character in some film noir that has been shot in the head or something ... only instead of red blood she has white blood.
- has been known to pant like an excited puppy.
- will be asleep when an evil, satanic, demon smile flits briefly across her face.
- has mongolian spots on her bottom and her arm, leading us to fear that strangers will suspect we beat her (which we, despite often understanding the beautiful logic of doing most mornings at 4 am, don't do) and have the department of child welfare take her away.
- occasionally tries to sneak my left nipple into her mouth.
- forcefully jabs her fingers into her eyes while she is feeding, screaming or, sometimes, sleeping.
- does not like baths, clothes, jazz, sleeping on her back, sleeping on her side, sleeping at night, sleeping quietly, allowing her mother to have meals or showers, fully digesting milk, rationally explaining to us what it is that is causing her ennui, pacifiers, her father.