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Friday, May 20, 2005

fatherhood, week one

who needs tv when you can watch mt. baby erupt from every orifice?

baby nice guy turned one week old yesterday, which was, interestingly enough, her actual due date. thanks for coming early, kid. let's take a look back at your first week on earth, by the numbers:

  • number of days on earth: 7
  • average number of diapers per day: 12
  • number of sleep hours we are averaging per day: me, 3. you, 23.
  • number of chins: two, but there was only one when we got you. am thinking about asking for a refund.
  • number of times my parents made it abundantly clear that they do not like your name: just once, but it was less than 10 minutes after you were born. thanks for that magic moment, guys.
  • number of trips out of the house: about 5, including your first dinner in a restaurant. sushi for your fish-deprived mama.
  • number of times strangers have cooed over your sleeping form as i announced proudly to them BEHOLD THE NEW LIFE I HAVE CREATED AND BESTOWED UPON YOUR TINY EARTH. WORSHIP ME, MORTAL: 8
  • number of times i have had to restrain myself from throwing you on the grill so i can eat your babylegs, slathered with garlic butter: 52
  • number of arguments i have gotten into with mrs nice guy's mother: 1, over how to chop rhubarb. don't ask.
  • number of times per day your grandmother asks if you are the cutest baby on earth: 32,645,709,470,970.
  • number of trips to the baby vet: 2, the pediatrician gave us an A+ (you also got a nine on your Apgar test. you are smarter than everyone).
  • number of times you have crapped while being changed, sending a two-foot arc of yellow custard poo across the changing table, which has been lined with a phillip morris towel: 2. you can do better.
  • average number of hiccups after each feeding: 82, who do i write a letter to about stopping this?
  • number of baths: 2, which, interestingly, is exactly 2 more than your father has had
  • number of times you have chewed your mother's right nipple into hamburger meat: once, but that was enough thanks. that's normally my job.
  • number of times i have tried to update this website but failed either because of lack of mental wherewithal, time or because you crapped on something: 617

this list goes on, but i find being a parent has suddenly made me less funny. why is that? i will say this: it has certainly turned me into a big mushy pile of babydrunk dad putty. i will spare you the gruesome details of my utter disintegration as a rational human being. but i will indulge myself as much to tell you i love this child. what will she look like as she grows into her chubby face? what will captivate her attention? would it be illegal to have her dipped in bronze so she never grows?

and when she is older, what will her disposition be? i have this fantasy: she has just graduated from college and moved into her very own place. she is supporting herself for the first time, finally, all grown up. i don't know what she will do for a living and i don't really care. what i do want to know is how she will react when i show up in her bedroom at 4 am one morning, screaming. will she mind? will she sit patiently as i vomit all over her and then methodically urinate on every last stitch of linen she owns? will she?


Blogger Chickie said...

I think you should print out this post and give it to her when she moves into her own place. That way when you show up screaming at 4 am she will have been warned.

5/20/2005 7:59 AM  
Anonymous Kara said...

Congrats, Freya on your magic trick. You have succeeded in turning another human being into jello. I've been checking on your dad's progress during your mom's pregnancy. Even though your mom was doing most of the work retaining water and carrying you, he was exceedingly smug about the whole thing- as if his contribution up to this point was something more than 5 minutes of glory. But you did it. He says he's no longer funny. Ha! I think it's very funny that he's already letting you get away with stuff he wouldn't let anyone else do. Last time I went into somebody's house and peed on everything... well, enough about last weekend. You've got him on the hook. Use the force, Freya.
good luck and God's speed.

5/20/2005 8:58 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

You haven't lost any of the funny. Trust me.

And, believe it or not, this love you have for the most beautiful, wonderful, magical child on this planet (well, next to MINE, of course) will only get BIGGER. Some days it feels like your heart is going to break. Like when your eight-year-old son still grabs your hand as you're walking together, or when your five-year-old daughter sees you in the pick-up line after school and screams "MOMMY!" (or Daddy in your case, I suppose) and runs to you as fast as she can.

Yeah, it only gets better and better and better.

And then you get to be a grandparent! Woot!

5/20/2005 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your last paragraph was very disturbing.

5/20/2005 10:41 AM  
Anonymous kate gunnison of the great salt lake said...

rock on mr. nice guy! you are still funny as hell and i am so glad you posted because this first week at work has been a sad trip back into reality. I hate working, but an update on your blog makes the day bearable. Good luck with everything! Lots of love to Mrs. Nice Guy and Freya.

5/20/2005 1:55 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

For what it's worth, I think Freya is a lovely name. A Viking goddess queen. It rocks. It'll totally work when she's fifteen and dyes her hair hot pink and starts playing base in a surfer goth garage band.

(Word of advice: Start telling yourself right now -- "it's only hair; it grows back." For your sake, really.)


5/20/2005 3:19 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

oh, catharine. she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair: you should have seen mr nice guy's hair, circa 1990. yikes. i just want to keep her away from the needle and the pole.

5/20/2005 5:51 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Freya is nice. Makes me think of Freya Stark , the travel writer. When we announced our baby's name to my sister-in-law she said "You're joking, right?". An enormously encouraging vindication of our choice. And I constantly remind myself to be nice to my kids because one day they may be shouting at me when I've got Alzheimer's and am peeing copiously and frequently in my pants . Do unto others, just in case.....

5/20/2005 5:51 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Roop said...

she will probably sit there...wonder how she, a wonderful/sensitive/thoughtful woman could have half of your gene pool.

then she will move far away and not tell you her address, call her mom and say, "You need to leave Dad."

5/20/2005 8:03 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

yes, freya stark is actually in part who we named her after, in addition to the norse goddess of loose booty. in her defense, i believe mater nice guy is coming around on the name. pater nice guy is a lost cause.

5/20/2005 8:23 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Being a dad makes you less funny? NO WAY! That had me laughing from beginning to end. Thanks for cheering up my work day :)

5/20/2005 9:43 PM  
Blogger Not-For-Profit Dad said...

Ah, the good ole days of week one. It only gets better. Enjoy every second.

5/20/2005 10:10 PM  
Blogger Mater Nice Guy said...

You neglected to say mater nice guy has also been likened to a viking goddess queen, and greater mater nice guy as well. It's a good gene. No comment on the booty parth, however.

5/21/2005 2:29 AM  
Anonymous Dan Daddy said...

Freya! What a Beautiful name, do you mind if I use it for my daughter? On second thought nah, I'll stick to my original choice of Brunhilda McHornhelmet.

5/21/2005 5:24 PM  
Blogger bunmaster said...

You always bring the funny mr. nice guy. Thoroughly enjoy your posts & many congratulations! Though we've chosen the same name for our bun in the oven, I dare not tell the inlaws for fear that they will hate it & manage to talk me out of disowning my Icelandic roots. Screw 'em!

5/22/2005 9:50 AM  
Blogger BrunhildeCrow said...

Brunhilda Hornhemlet? What a stupid name!
Freya, however, is lovely. I have a student named Bacitracian. Yes, like the unguent. Try that one on Mater and Pater and see if they do not prefer the Booty-goddess.

5/23/2005 7:28 PM  

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