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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

my most laborious post to date


congratulations, it's a pineapple!


so, for the curious, here's how it all went down: as you may have heard, mrs nice guy lost her mucus plug early wednesday morning. can i say those magic words one more time? mucus plug. el pluggo del mucusa. mr mucus pluggy. seamus mcmucus pluggity o'snotcork. uh. sorry, that last one was a typo.

anyway mrs nice guy's timing was spot-on because we had an appointment with our totally awesome midwife a couple of hours later. the fun fact from that visit was that mrs nice guy had put on eight pounds of water weight in ONE WEEK. poor thing. i tried sticking her with a needle to see if the water would drain out, but she was all "ow" and "stop it" and such. whatever. the midwife sentenced her to bedrest and told her to drink lots of nettle tea for her vexing pregnancy (incidentally, do you know how fucking hard it is to find nettle tea? mr nice guy went to no fewer than FOUR hippy tea-toting granola shacks before lunch on wednesday and utterly failed to locate a single nettle. i did score some wicked patchouli, though, which is nice). so then the midwife swabbed the amniotic sac -- which sounds like the title of an insane miscegenation of a star trek episode and a pirate adventure story. but that's what apparently ultimately triggered her labor. so those of you who are overdue: swab the sac, matey! arrgh!

ahem. where was i? oh yes. mrs nice guy went home and i went to work. where she called me at about 11 am to tell me she was having cramps. our due date still being a week away and all, i thought braxton hicks had returned for another round of fake contractions. so i said: "yer fine. rub some dirt in it and walk it off, champ."


well, no. looking back now, we both agree that she was in active labor by around 6 pm, which is funny because right about that time i was just tucking into my seventh scotch and soda getting off work. earlier in the day she asked if i would bring home some fruit, yogurt and maybe some dinner. so i called her at 6:30 to ask what i should pick up at the store. her reply was thoughtful and concise: "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, ASSHOLE." hmm, i thought. that water retention has made her a mite cranky. and off to the store i went. while i was reading the ingredients of every goddamn box in the tea aisle in my ongoing fruitless hunt for nettle tea (what the hell is a nettle, anyway?), it dawned on me ... you know, this is pure conjecture, but she just might be in labor.

i got home at around 7:30 only to find her curled up on the bed. i asked her how she was doing and she said something along the lines of "sdljcuzz hnoicx!" i asked her if i could fix her something to eat. she said "WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM TIME MY CONTRACTIONS AND CALL THE MIDWIFE." after recovering from a brief blackout and frequently checking in with our midwife, i summoned our crunchy-french-canadian-earth-mother-doula at around 9:30.

crunchy-french-canadian-earth-mother-doula upon entering the boudoir to find mrs nice guy balled up on the bed eating her pillow: oooh, helloooo. thees ees so beeyootiful.
mrs nice guy: mmmpphhrrRRROOOOOOOUUUUUUGHGGGGGHHHHW
WWAAAAOOOOGGHHhHhhhhhmmmmm


and then the doula--she who eats placentas--practiced her doula magic. oils and soothing balms were applied liberally (incidentally, i offered her some chicken and she replied "no thanks, i am vegetarian." ha!). contractions ramped up at a steady pace, so we headed to the hospital and met our midwife there at about 11:30. mrs nice guy, usually the modest one of the family, stripped buck nekkid and jumped in the hot tub where she began lowing like a dying wildebeest. time flew. i got in the tub with her and had a relaxing soak. she was out of the tub by 12:45 am, back in at around 2. puking by 2:30. both midwives were on hand along with our doula. the birthing center was a soothing sauna of cooing words and coursing estrogen. i think i even began lactating a little.

anyway, mrs nice guy was in the tub when she announced between contractions that "this is really boring." then her water broke. she stayed in the tub until she felt the need to push. so she got out and pushed on her side, then we moved to a birthing stool. this all sounds pretty straightforward, but she was making noises i have never heard a carbon-based life-form make before. my emotional state was too complex to describe: fear, joy, concern. i was in a perpetual limbo between laughing and crying. every time i tried to say something encouraging, my voice broke like cheap china. "baby, you're doing so goo-hoo-ood," i would say, stifling a giggle-sob. i could tell we had never been closer as a couple. she looked up at me and hissed, "don't you fucking dare laugh at me." she was in pain and it was intense and it was exciting and hard to watch. she was stronger and braver than anyone i have ever seen in my life: if i had been in her drug-free position, i probably would have just drowned myself in the tub right after begging the midwife to throw eleven toasters in with me.

after about an hour of pushing, freya was born with her mom sitting on a birthing stool. i was sitting right behind mrs nice guy, so she was basically in my lap. she was probably in serious labor for no more than 10 hours. the last time i did anything for 10 straight hours was when i was a 13-year-old chronic masturbator.


the best part of it all: as you may recall, we didn't know the baby's sex. so the chief midwife says to us as the hellchild is crowning, "we're not going to tell you what sex your baby is. we're going to let you see for yourself and then tell us." that was all my tiny, exhausted wife needed. she pushed one last push. the midwife handed us the baby; i soiled my shorts a little. mrs nice guy grabbed the child and heaved it up to get a look at its goods. longing to see it, she pulled the baby toward her with such gusto, such instinctive momverve, that the umbilical cord, which is apparently not 130 feet long, snapped.

that's right. mrs nice guy yanked the baby out of her crotch so damn hard that the umbilical cord ruptured. the cord, as you may know, delivers blood to the baby. but at that instant -- at 3:45 thursday morning -- the cord ceased delivering blood to the baby and began delivering blood to everything else in the room. it was like a garden hose. the midwives instantly looked like they had just returned from filming the bloodiest scenes in "kill bill," "sin city" and "showgirls" simultaneously. there was such violent devastation in the delivery room -- everything was so thoroughly bloodsoaked -- that i had only one thought: I WANT MORE KIDS.

the midwives tied the cord up, fixed our floppy screaming albino salamander baby and returned her to our arms. as i held my daughter for the first time, i had never felt such joy; i was washed over with a tsunami of relief and gratitude. at last, i thought, i will never have to look for nettle tea again.




33 Comments:

Blogger Candace said...

At least it's more entertaining than American Idol.

5/15/2005 10:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you didn't post this earlier today, while I was at work, or people would have started asking questions, I was laughing so hard!!

Congrats, and she is a doll!

5/17/2005 1:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

brilliant

5/17/2005 2:36 AM  
Blogger Shylah said...

That is THE FUNNIEST birth story I have ever read. I hope you don't mind that I shared it with my doula list. I'm still giggling at Seamus McMucus Pluggity O'Snotcork. *snort*

Congratulations on a beautiful baby, and an equally beautiful name!

5/17/2005 3:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Seamus McMucus Pluggity O'Snotcork."
Hey, I'm Irish! But this once I'll forgive you Mr. Cheeky Mc feck!

5/17/2005 5:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great story! The best I have ever read! I'm a doula (not the granola eating, tree hugging kind) and just love it when dads get involved! Its so hard for a man to be a swimmer in the estrogen ocean but sounds like you did great!

5/17/2005 8:12 AM  
Blogger the throbbing brain said...

Nice job.

I've got 4 months to wait for ours to come along. It couldn't come quick enough. Also, read all about nettles here.

5/17/2005 8:21 AM  
Anonymous Mireille said...

Oh GOD! I am a crunchy french canadian earthy mother doula!!! ROTFLMAO. I want to use your story in my birth classes. :)

5/17/2005 11:31 AM  
Blogger Krissy said...

FanTASTIC!

5/17/2005 11:53 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

Hmmm. That's odd. My first comment went to a totally different post, some picture of a graffiti-laden television set.

At any rate, I bow down to your bloody delivery story. You, sir, are now the winner! That's a hell of a mom--BREAKING the umbilical cord with sheer desire to get a look at her kid.

Congrats again!

(and I think sleep deprivation has made you even funnier, if that's possible)

5/17/2005 1:13 PM  
Anonymous gerah said...

"i think i even began lactating a little."

Hahahahahahaha. Good stuff, mr. nice guy.

Congratulations!

5/17/2005 1:59 PM  
Blogger miranda said...

you have a real talent for being hilarious and moving at the same time. This is a great story.

5/17/2005 3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"you have a real talent for being hilarious and moving at the same time. This is a great story."

i second that!

congrats~!

5/17/2005 3:15 PM  
Blogger buqt said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/17/2005 4:32 PM  
Blogger buqt said...

I love your blog! I read it all the time and make sure my husband reads it too - he usually ends up hearing it between serious laughter on my end, then has to go read it himself because I cant stop laughing long enough to breathe let alone read it outloud to someone else!

Your baby is beautiful, and you and mrs. nice guy are going to be great parents!

5/17/2005 4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a fantastic writer. Extremely enjoyable!

5/18/2005 1:43 AM  
Blogger Alexis said...

That is officially the funniest thing I have ever read. You rock big daddy nice guy!!!!
Congrats!
x

5/18/2005 4:40 AM  
Blogger julianblue said...

Welcome to the wonderful world of being a father.....to a daughter.

We are a special breed that are easily recognisable because we carry shotguns and stop and read any phamplet that advertises Schools for Lesbian Nuns.

Within a short few years you will know tha name of all Barbies friends, come to realise that there are about 2 million different shades of pink and will secretly hide your toenails which have been painted with what ever color Mrs Nice Guy has deemed no longer trendy thus suitable for your daughter to practice on you with.


Before you know it you can play your daughter off against your wife to see who can gain favour with you, daddy cuddles will become better than mummy cuddles and you will become the King to her princess.

You will never get sprayed in the eye by ill directed wee at nappy time and it will be okay to give her a hug and kiss for the rest of her life.

Good luck, best wishes and dont let Mrs Good Guy take all the credit. You will win hearts and minds by butting in during birth stories to point out your role in the whole process.

Cheers

5/18/2005 6:23 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Oh wow. I didn't know an umbilical cord could snap. Cool. If I ever boing out any children I may have to try and get that to happen.

Congratulations. What a fine looking pineapple you have!

5/18/2005 8:26 AM  
Blogger BrunhildeCrow said...

If I am ever trapped under something heavy I would hope that Mrs. Nice Guy and her superhuman cord snapping powers are nearby to lift it off me!
Beautiful story, Nice Guy-

5/18/2005 9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't plan on ever having a baby, but if it is that entertaining, i may just have to consider. oh yeah, i'm a guy, doesn't sound to entertaining on the other side of the y chromosome

5/18/2005 12:16 PM  
Blogger zzzzzoe said...

Congratulations!! For your information, you can order nettle tea, both in bulk, and as an ingredient in more appetizing teas, at www.mountainroseherbs.com - one of my favorite stores for hippie tools.

Best wishes from an aspiring earthy-crunchy-vegetarian yoga teacher (but hopefully never placenta-muncher)...

5/18/2005 12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could only aspire to have a wonderful husband such as yourself to recount my own birthing story someday- YOWZA! That was a wild read while eating dinner tonight :-) Congratualtions, man. Peace!

5/18/2005 6:42 PM  
Anonymous Foster said...

Im getting married in three weeks, and sincerely hope that one day my husband says/writes something like this when we finally have children, although Ill settle for him just feeling it :)

Absolutely perfect post. I think I even began lactating a little just reading it.

5/18/2005 9:23 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

She's so cute -- she outshines that ratty old pineapple.

Congrats again, Mr and Mrs Nice Guy.

5/19/2005 4:11 PM  
Blogger wrecking_ball said...

I imagine Mrs. Nice Guy is glad she only had to give birth to a baby and not that pineapple... Congrats again!

5/20/2005 9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

congrats to you both that was the funniest most heartwarming birth story ive ever heard and im from scotland lots of nettles here evil little weeds that im sure lie in wait so they grab your legs and sting you hurts like hell

5/20/2005 3:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a hilarious birth story! Congratulions on your baby! Keep writing.
Signed
A Seattle granola doula!

5/23/2005 4:46 PM  
Anonymous cy and berns said...

hubby says "he needed to be there just to tell the story....i'm sure her version is quite different". aaand...."it's an experience that all men should share with the mother of their child." wife says...."such romantic dribble", knowing full well that he is quite serious! congratulations!

5/25/2005 11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the funniest birth story, I've ever read. My husband and I couldn't stop laughing.. You're an amazing writer and very funny. I'm not gonna sleep tonight, cause I plan on reading all your post.. Great job Mr. Nice Guy and congrats on your baby girl!

5/25/2005 11:11 PM  
Anonymous Francaise de Coeur said...

Jesus, you're hilarious. I'm 6 months pregnant, but thank GOD it's #2. If I had read your post while pregnant with my first, I would have bailed off the Eiffel Tower.

8/30/2005 3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, I am late to the party. That had to be one of the funniest and most touching things I have ever read. Best to you all.

Dale Ann

12/20/2005 3:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and have read some of your archives. God, that was the most fuckingly funny post I've read in ages ... my stomach is KILLING me from laughter! I say, hail to mrs. nice guy for going it drug free. I had my second child w/o pain meds and it was the best experience by far.
Beautiful baby. Congrats!

1/17/2006 6:42 PM  

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