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Friday, May 27, 2005

got milk? man milk?


sir, step away from the baby. sir! DO NOT BREASTFEED THE BABY, SIR.

so i recently made a comment about how i whip out my man juggs and let my baby latch on. i was -- how do you say? -- joking. most of you managed to figure that out. others got a case of the creepy-jeeblies (i have this effect on many women; just take a quick shower and you'll feel better). but! i was not prepared for this! thank you, kind anonymous reader, for the link for that truly keeps on giving.

first, let's start with the title:

Milkmen: Fathers Who Breastfeed

christ, i weep with delight every time i behold those words. comedy gold. thank you, brave laura shanley, for writing that headline. but it just gets better:

While my husband David had no interest in nursing our son, we both were intrigued with the idea ... He began telling himself that he would lactate, and within a week, one of his breasts swelled up and milk began dripping out. When we excitedly showed my father (a physician)David's breast he said, "Obviously there's something physiologically wrong with David." The fact that David had willed himself to do this, did not impress him.

if my breast began swelling and leaking, i too would immediately and "excitedly" show a physician. although my excitement would be more of the "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO MY TITS?" variety than the "oh goodie, i am lactating through sheer will power" stripe. the physician's response was only halfway suitable to my tastes. physically, yes, obviously something was wrong with Lactating David. but this poor physician completely failed to mention that something else was going on, that his daughter and son-in-law had gone completely batshit insane. i would say that their mental problems are at least greater than or equal to those of the physical kind. but wait, there's more:

Still, we were not ready for David to actually breastfeed our baby. First of all, there was no need for it. I was doing just fine on my own. But more importantly, he simply had no desire to do it. After he discovered that his body had indeed been responsive to his thoughts, he suggested to himself that the lactation would stop, and within a week his breast returned to normal.

hmm, maybe Lactating David is on to something here. let us try a little nice guy experiment: i am now suggesting that my abs to turn into a rock-hard six-pack of steel. i am currently willing my rapidly thinning hair to return to my head. i strongly advise the stink to leave my feet. and ... it is not working. fuck. help me Lactating David, you're my only hope. a little clue? laura shanley continues:

We didn't give it much thought after that until years later ...
WHAT? i'd be giving serious wattage of thoughtpower on a daily basis to the fact that i WILLED MYSELF TO FUCKING LACTATE, like, forever. i would be going on tour! "behold the Amazing Lactating Nice Guy and his Generative Man-Bosom." i would be earning squillions of dollars! i would become world famous. i would become surrogate milk nurse to the languid malnourished stars. especially the naked ones.

On the other hand, I think it is safe to say that women are better suited to breastfeeding than men are.
oh, no! don't stop believin', sweetie. how fickle of you laura shanley.

anyway, she continues much in this manner. i had to stop reading though, because the baby cried and i willed my milk to drop. gotta go feed the little one!


6 Comments:

Blogger Moo Moo said...

if my DH did this with his man boobs, I think I would vomit

5/27/2005 11:37 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

I told the husband I would procreate only if he promises to do this.

He may never give me sex again.

5/29/2005 1:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My domesticated male goat has taken this one step further: his man boobs are producing Absinthé!

5/29/2005 8:30 AM  
Blogger Krissy said...

I have now willed my eyes to bleed from the gross.

5/31/2005 11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a male and started using a breast pump 6 days ago. my breasts are now producing milk. i started taking the herb fenugreek which helped me in my production. i know have a full B cup - my nipples are much larger and the feeling is incredible.

jim

8/15/2005 8:05 AM  
Blogger Max said...

There are so many part of our anatomy that just now we are learning what the use are for. Tradition at most kill the real intent why God creates us the way we are. Personally I would like to try lactate, the only problem that I stop myself because I pass my time to do it...I am too old and it's not use to try. Young men...try!, and you can change the wrong perception of the world! go forth!

6/05/2011 9:56 AM  

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