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Friday, May 27, 2005

milestones in baby biology

lots of people keep telling me: "you think having a baby is fun now, just wait until it starts actually doing stuff. like smiling." there are a couple of reasons why these negative nellies are wrong, why this statement is blatantly fraudulent, chiefly:
  1. since when does "smiling" constitute "doing something"
  2. who says newborns don't do anything?

look, baby nice guy is a miracle of biological functions. she is a gurgling vesuvius of burbling fluids. she could blow at any minute. and she frequently does. she has this one patented move, an excellent maneuver that will rival michael jordan's tonguey dunks in the history books. just yesterday, while on the changing table, she clearly bumped her game up to a new level. a clue: beware the sneeze. while on the table, nekkid as the day is long, baby nice guy will stretch languidly, throwing her parent off guard, and then she will attack. with a sneeze. the sneeze will instantly claim control of her sphincter, loosening it in a microsecond, which will in turn send liquid mustard turd spraying across the changing table. it is a terrifying and miraculous thing to behold. (i call this move the grey poop-on). i have alluded to this fact already in previous posts. the news here, ladies and gentlemen, is that yesterday my darling daughter actually cleared the changing table! yesterday, her little turdlets nailed the wall! i am so proud. hell, even grandma was gloating.

also, like a boy she pees EVERY TIME she is changed. she waits until the dry diaper is off to let loose. i like her style.

more biological baby-steps: the umbilical stump fell off today! i was at work, so this is the first of many, many a-milestone i will surely miss in her life (first smile, first steps, first night in jail, her wedding). mrs nice guy called me just to spread the word: "your daughter's stump has fallen off."

mr nice guy: is it an outie?
mrs nice guy: hard to tell. it just looks like hamburger meat.

even more biological excitement, in the form a riddle: how is my 15-day-old daughter very much like a 15-year-old girl?

  1. she whines like cheap merlot whenever she hears my voice
  2. baby acne!

the child is more broken out than clint eastwood in "escape from alcatraz." that's right, baby has a wicked set of whiteheads on her nose. i fear she will grow up looking as pocked as manuel noriega. mrs nice guy informs me that it's all she can do to keep from popping her child's mini-zits.

anyway. the point to all this is that newborns do too do stuff. you just have to know how to appreciate it.


Blogger Candace said...

Let me defend myself for just one moment because 1. I'm a tad paranoid and since I made a comment about the smiling, I *must* (I have no control over the assuming) assume you are speaking directly to me, even though you most assuredly are not--I think, and 2. because I really didn't mean that newborns are boring.

I was just saying that you are clearly in love with your child now...but just wait till she smiles at you ON PURPOSE. You might think you need to call an ambulance because you suspect you're having a heart attack. Don't call. It's just your heart being ripped from your chest by your offspring. In a good way.

Congrats on the turdlets. VERY exciting.

5/27/2005 6:49 PM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

Ah HA!

Everyone thought I was lying when I claimed my child would spray the wall with mustard poop when she was a newborn! Now, I'll just refer them to this post next time I have an unbeliever...

I was vacumming around the changing table just the other day and found some poops spots that have been there for, um, almost two years this August.

Okay, so I'm not the best housekeeper. (I've got other things to do with my free time, like READ THIS BLOG.)

5/27/2005 9:15 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

a turdlets... I think that's what I'll name the baby

5/27/2005 11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't stress about the baby acne. One of my daughters had horrible, frightening acne all over her face. I was certain she would be disfigured for life. And some spots were so icky that yes, I popped a few because it was clear they'd never "fade away" on their own. But do you know what? This same daughter (now 2.5 years old) has the most perfect, beautiful, peaches & creme skin you could ever want to see on a little girl. Beautiful smooth skin, even skin tone, a healthy glow, and no sign at all that it was ever anything but radiant & glowing.


5/29/2005 1:53 AM  

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