the vanity, it touches us all

so the other day i was talking to the parental unit. (you know, you get a whole new taste of your parents once you become one yourself. you start to see things through their eyes. terrifying.) after chatting a bit about my daughter's new nosegrowth, we changed the subject -- because, you know, i have so much else going on to talk about these days. here's what pater nice guy wanted to know: "so what's mrs nice guy doing to get back into shape?"

you read that right. my wife just shot a living person out of her crotch FIVE WEEKS ago -- a tiny person whose longest stretch of sleep so far has been three hours -- and my dad wants to know how often his daughter-in-law is hitting the pilates machine. wtf? actually, pilates is probably for pansies. she should be benching 250 by now, banging out 600 crunches in a sitting. doing push ups with the kid on her back, yoda style.

so i said, "actually, dad, she hasn't lost a single ounce of the 378 pounds she put on during her pregnancy and she can't wait to give you a big sloppy fatgirl hug when you come to town. you know what i always say: more cushion for the pushin'!"

UPDATE: oh dear, it seems that somebody has been reading this website and somebody might have been a tad hurt by this entry. i am truly sorry, dad, but you're going to have to TOUGHEN UP! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME! ahem. i am kidding, of course, as i usually am here. i'll go easier on you in the future, but you should know that most things on this website, while true, are occasionally exaggerated to A) seem funny, B) make me look good or C) both. when you asked me if your daughter-in-law had, within the month since giving birth, done anything to stay fit, i knew i had the makings for at least a category B entry, if not a C. and as you know, in high school i was always striving for those C's. anyway, i will go easier.