behold the wild spotty striped baby nice guy
so apparently it's time for the nice guys to start playing the numbers. you should be using our birth dates as your lotto picks. take us to the races with you. bring us to bingo. seriously. we have had an incredible run of statistics-defying luck with this baby and i'd like to share it with you.
did i mention it was bad luck? no? mea culpa.
so i may have pointed out at some point that my perfect daughter was born with a mongolian spot on her arm. it looks like a bruise. it looks like she was maybe up all night crying and maybe her father possibly grabbed her arm in a flash of despair and perhaps might have squeezed just a tad too tightly. maybe. BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS, OFFICER I SWEAR! ahem. yes. you see, a mongolian spot is just a "dense collection of melanocytes" and appears in babies of native american, african, asian, or hispanic descent. i am none of these. my wife, being the beautiful brown-skinned berry of the house is therefore solely to blame for the appearance of the mongolian spot (which i am told will disappear by the time my child is 2). brown lady ... mongolian spot on semi-brown baby ... you do the math. NOT MY FAULT.
but wait! there's more! she was also born with a tiny cute little purple kiss on the tip of her nose. a-freakin-dorable. now that she has somehow managed to survive life in our home for nearly 5 weeks, the purple spot, we are noticing, is not going away. in fact it's getting bigger. in fact, the color is not only spreading, it's slowly bulging. you know how old men who have spent a lifetime of drinking have fucked up bulbous purple noses packed with hideously malformed capillaries? well, she is starting to look like w.c. fields after some legendary bender in atlantic city.
mrs nice guy did a little sleuthing on the internets and she came to the astute conclusion that our poor baby, in all likelihood, has a strawberry mark. sounds cute and cuddly, right? a widdle biddy stwabewwy mawk ... how scrumptious. WELL IT'S NOT. turns out ten percent of white babies get these capillary overgrowths. the good news? the purple splotch is not permanent. the bad news: it can grow for up to 18 months before it starts regressing. the worse news? it can take up to TEN YEARS for it to go away. want to see what really terrifying strawberry marks look like when they are at their worst? no? you don't? then don't click here. i suppose it serves me right for calling my unborn daughter john merrick on this very web site after seeing her sonogram.
so aside from a racing stripe mongolian spot on her arm that ONLY BROWN BABIES GET, she also will be spotted with a growing blob-like purple face-splotch which ONLY WHITE BABIES GET. great. what are the odds? does this mean she has drawn only the worst traits from each of our gene pools? sure, she may be a lazy klutz with rotten knees who can't drive stick and smells a little funny -- just like her father -- but at least she's blind as a bat, stubborn and misanthropic, with curvature of the spine, like her ma. she's cursed, i tell you. cursed.
anyway. we're going to see the doctor tomorrow to find out if there's any space-laser strobe-light treatment we can get for our red-nosed baby rudolf. if not, we're going to have a spotted, striped baby for the next three years at least. mrs nice guy is meanwhile spending HOURS on the interweb reading parent porn -- she keeps turning to me and gasping as she recounts horrible case study after horrible case study of hideous mutant babies of whom our child is apparently destined to become the leader.
this is distressing and sad. i hate hate hate that she may not be totally healthy. not to be overly vain, but i don't really want to be the dad who walks down the street with his speckled daughter only to be pitied by passersby. "oh look at that dear man and his elephant girl. let us give them a few shillings." screw that. the kid will be just fine. besides, i have no use for shillings. and anyway if the the spots and stripes fade away by the time they're supposed to fade away, then our daughter's skin will be all cleared up before she even becomes self-aware.
just in time for her to get hit with acne in junior high.