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Sunday, June 05, 2005

the things i do while the wife and kid are sleeping and the curtains are drawn

ok so here we go. this morning mrs nice guy hooked herself up to an automated milk-suction device to extract sweet, sweet breastmilk for storage. i came running into the room when i heard, for the first time, the schlip-schlopping of the motorized cups. not knowing what the sound was, i immediately feared the worst: "grab the baby," i yelled, "it's a stampede!" but no. no horses. just my wife and a human-sucking machine (which actually just gave mr nice guy an excellent idea for another live blog experiment the next time she has left him unsupervised).

"oh," i said. "you're pumping."
"i feel like a cow."
"if you were a cow, you'd be the most beautiful cow ever!"

"uh ... thanks?"
"one of these days i'm going to have to taste that milk of yours."
"you keep talking big but i'm not seeing any action."
"i'm just sayin'."

and with that, i walked away with my tail between my legs.

BUT! it's 11 pm. wife has been asleep for nearly an hour, baby has been asleep for about two hours. it's almost feedin' time and I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE TO DO IT. you know what this means, right? time for a little mr nice guy taste test. i have portioned out 4 shimmering milky ounces of life-fluid for my child. it's bottled and ready to be warmed the second she begins screaming (which, if my calculations are correct, is in 37 seconds). the fat has separated from the rest of the milk, so it looks a little like salad dressing that hasn't been shaken.

there remains a single ounce for the tasting.

here i go.

wish me luck.

i am going to taste it now.

i really mean it.


down the hatch.


allllmost to the lips.


why is it chunky?

ah, it doesn't matter. prosit!

here goes nothing.

bunden i vejret eller resten i haret!

(that's apparently what they say in denmark. it means "bottoms up or the rest in your hair." don't you love google?)

did i just hear the baby cry?

hang on, i'll check.

nope. false alarm.



you're stalling.

ah fuck it, here we go, then.

first, the pour:
hmm. formidable legs. no real nose to speak of. a little sediment, as i said, and perhaps a little yeasty. but definitely not corked.

initial taste:
sweet. light body ... obviously some residual sugar. but that's natural, considering the terroir.

let's try another sip:
a mild complexity ... a little buttery, just barely effervescent. the finish is a little tannic, actually. do i detect the onset of a little botrytis?

a little more:
no, really. it's quite tasty. let's let it breathe for a while. i'd quite like this in my morning coffee, i think. or perhaps to make some oatmeal. maybe mix a white russian with it.

and the rest ... down in one!
all in all, i can see why my frogdaughter is so inclined to imbibe -- maybe every two to four hours is a little excessive, but what the hell. bartender! i'll have another!


Blogger Kim said...

I can't really figure out why the fact that you actually tasted breast milk suprises me, but I must say, for the first time in some few odd months of reading this blog I am shocked, shocked down to to the core.

I'm not sure what is in order here. Congratulations? Scorn? Perhaps sympathy since this child-rearing thing has obviously driven you to drastic measures and performing what is clearly a call for help.

6/06/2005 3:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tasted my breast milk, and was surprised how good it was. Then I realized that was pretty stupid - of course it tastes good! It must taste good, since my little Boob Leach screams bloody murder if she's removed from my nipple before she's had her fill. And she wants more, more, MORE every couple of hours.

6/06/2005 8:23 AM  
Blogger DesertJade said...

I have heard that breast milk tastes like the milk left over after eating a bowl of lucky charms. Good thing its not the same color...

6/06/2005 11:07 AM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

ROFLMAO! Sorry, I have to send this to my husband. He accidently got some colostrum once and flipped out spitting and gagging. I never laughed so hard.

I'm shocked, but glad you tried it. It really isn't bad, a little sweet though in my opinion. Would be good for baking...though you might have to adjust any sugar in the recipe...

Just a thought....

6/06/2005 12:04 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

So, is this gonna be part of your regular diet now? If you could get the male lactation thing under way you'd be completely self sufficient. Cheers!

6/06/2005 12:24 PM  
Anonymous egohound said...

You've kept us happy over the months opining on everything from goat porn and blow jobs to edible placentas and male lactation (not to mention the placenta photo), and now people are shocked that you tried breast milk??!!!


(I would have been more surprised if you HADN'T tried it.)

6/06/2005 2:14 PM  
Blogger sozzled said...

bravo. really why NOT taste it? why would anyone think it is more gross than drinking cow or goat milk? personally I chose to only drink alcoholic beverages, but see nothing wrong with your sampling of "the goods"

6/06/2005 4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have been shocked by things you have written, however, I would be more shocked if you didn't sample a little of the milk. Why not, for heaven's sake. Everyone does it, we all have! probably even mrs nice guy. Don't let them, those out there, fool you. Now, if you were interested milking the cat, that would be another story.

6/06/2005 5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next time I suggest you take it directly from the source! It's much more fun that way!

6/06/2005 6:02 PM  
Blogger lauren t.e. zemer said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6/06/2005 6:20 PM  
Blogger Michael G said...

I avoided a baby shower and I avoided tasting breast milk, (from a bottle or the source)

Moms, do not talk about tasting the milk, why do guys feel like they should?

6/07/2005 3:18 PM  
Anonymous sam said...

I'm a mom. I've tasted it. Other new mothers I know have tried it as well.

I mean, it's MILK. Coming out of your own body. How could you not taste it?

(and really, what's the big deal?

6/07/2005 11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am neither shocked or amazed by your sampling of the goods. (But thoroughly entertained...YES INDEED:)

And Mikeg...moms DO talk about taste testing the goods...we just don't usually talk to the menfolk about it:)

6/08/2005 3:02 AM  
Blogger Mike Karr said...

I don't know what the problem is, I like the breast milk. It's pretty good. I try to get a bit about once a week. From the source, preferably.

6/08/2005 2:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hiya. Mikey from the UK again. It's a big two thumbs up from me. I fully intend to do exactly the same when my first is borne. No Ross Gellar moments here thank you

6/08/2005 3:40 PM  
Anonymous Meredith said...

That experiment (other than tasting milk) that you are planning to do with the breast pump? Don't bother. My husband tried it with my rented hospital grade super sucker breast pump after I decided I had pumped my last bottle. He said it was very disappointing.

6/08/2005 7:44 PM  
Blogger jill vatican said...

That was one of the funniest (and grossest) things I've ever read. I never had the guts (or even the desire) to try my breast milk, but hey, more power to ya!

6/10/2005 12:32 PM  
Anonymous Francis said...

I really just don't know why anyone who would be offended by the thought of someone tasting breast milk would still be reading your blog at this point.

6/13/2005 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tasted my wifes, so did she as a matter of fact. It was pretty good, a little creepy, but good. I wonder what the lactose content is? I don't have a problem with lactose but for those who do... maybe this could be a new alternative to cows milk. Just imagine a whole room full of post breast feeding, but still lactating women reading magazines and gossiping like at the hair dressers, pumps going full speed trying to meet the days quota. Some tity farmer walking up and down the isle admiring his herd, making little adjustments to the machines here and there. A giant TV playing some lifetime movie and at each station a pair of headphones with the sound of a crying baby to help reluctant mothers milk to let down. But what to call it? "Mothers Milk"? hmmm "Mommy Juice"? no, You'd have to name it something like "lait de Mère" (Mothers milk in french).

3/16/2006 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have tasted (nursed) breastmilk from a number of female companions over the years.....none of the children were mine. I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, it always turned us on.

This is a common fetish among many males. It does not hurt you, the mother or the baby.

4/01/2006 4:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife & I have 4 children...each time she was nursing I would drink her milk (pumped out, of course! she would never allow me to "compete" with her child), noticing how -on each try- the flavour would change depending on what she had had for breakfast, lunch or dinner. When the babies would not have her milk or cried I could -sometimes- juste tell her: The baby is not enjoying the chili-dog you ate!

7/08/2007 10:41 PM  
Blogger spades said...

Okay I have to relieve my confession. I am a female (not married) and I never heard or thought of tasting breast milk before. I couldn't get the thought of it off my mind after reading everyone's posts. My curiosity got the better of me and I had to call my girl friend up who is breast feeding. I was telling her of the blogs and she didn't seem shocked a bit, her husband enjoys it often she says. Ok, with that I had to ask, "you got a bottle handy?" Then she explained to me what "leaking" is and out came here breast. She must of read all the interest on my face because I surly did not resist when she put her hand around my head and slowly pulled me inward. How sweet, how soft, how yummy!

10/15/2008 12:36 AM  

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