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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

strawberry hunting season

and now an update on the Nose. i'm a little reluctant to post photos of my child in so exploitative a manner, but i do so in the name of science. and exploitation. here is what our daughter looked like a day or two after we brought her home from the hospital -- you can just barely make out a pink little splotch above her left nostril. as you can imagine, we thought nothing of it:

ridiculously freakin' adorable, right? RIGHT? right. until, that is, it began to grow. here is the hemangioma as of sunday:

(jesus lord almighty tell me that's not the most perfect child you have ever seen ever. I DARE YOU!) you can see that not only has the purple splotch spread, but the child has the added bonus of its becoming all lumpy too. she looks like she's been nursing on whiskey for 60 years. you can see that the nose is no longer symmetrical and she looks like a clown. sometimes instead of rudolph, we call her bozo. i honestly don't even see it when i look at her. occasionally i'll take a picture and then be surprised by her super-schnoz, but mostly i don't even see it. strangers still stop us on the street to gawk at the baby because she is so obviously gorgeous, but increasingly they ask "what happened to her nose?" i usually reply "oh, she was crying so i beat her." mrs nice guy does not think this is funny.

so, our upstairs neighbors happen to both be pediatricians. not only do they happen to both be pediatricians, but they happen to both consistently appear on "best of" lists for new york pediatricians. not only do they happen to consistently appear on "best of" lists for new york pediatricians, they happen to be exceedingly nice people. they came by for a neighborly visit the other week to meet the newest nice guy. while they were in our place, we took the opportunity to cop a free consultation: they said that the strawberry is going to keep growing for up to eighteen months. there's not telling how huge it'll get. they also said that it will indeed go away on its own, but because there is some deep tissue growth, it could permanently damage some of the tissue in her nose, leaving it slightly malformed. they referred us to three doctors -- two vascular specialists and a laser guy -- and suggested we have it looked at just to get a specialist's opinion.

my resolve to let this hemangioma go away on its own has taken a beating lately. and mrs nice guy has desperately wanted to get it looked at for weeks now. i saw no harm in it, and besides if i don't do everything mrs nice guy wants, she goes to the bad place. (i should note here that she totally wears the penis around our house. she owns me and she is very violent. mostly in a good way.) so it was off to the doctor's office we went. this was yesterday.

the consultation was quick. (and we felt like total chumps for being in her waiting room with our little bozo daughter, sitting next to children who have real problems. like cancer.) the doctor said, basically, the baby is a good candidate for laser treatment. it's not purely a cosmetic problem: the hemangioma could potentially damage some of the cartilage in her honker, it will spread probably rapidly over the coming months, and it will probably still be on her face when she is ready to start school and be laughed at by her peers.

so she booked us an appointment with the laser guy. right there in the same building! five minutes later we were upstairs in mr laser man's office (he happens to be the exact same laser dude our upstairs neighbors recommended.). he told us that she would require five treatments over 15 weeks or so. the laser will not necessarily stop the tissue growth, so her nose may still be a little lumpy for a couple years, but the purple color will go away. we said fine, let's do it. he said "GERONIMO!!!!"

and just like that we were all wearing goggles, the wife and i literally pinning the baby to a table, holding down her tiny arms and legs like she was the world's littlest mental ward patient in need of restraining. a nurse put gauze on her eyes and the doctor zapped around her nose with a little pulsing laser light -- it looked like he was soldering her face. she did not enjoy the experience. apparently the laser stings a little; it feels like someone snapping your skin with a rubber band. when that skin is on your face and that face is six weeks old, i would imagine it hurts plenty. the baby, who was smiling when we first put her on the table, wailed. she actually said her first words: "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?!?!" and she cried.

the worst part of it? she has tears now. she didn't have tears until this week. her little face was streaked with tiny tears and i officially hated myself. anyway, we have to go back four more times, but there are apparently no downsides to this treatment (even if its success rate is a paltry 60 percent). other therapies involve steroid treatment, which made me relish the thought of my baby girl testifying before congress about her experiences on the juice. alas, we bypassed the steroids because she is "too young."

anyway. the hemangioma will gradually, hopefully, cease to be purple. the thing is, for the time being, the treatment has turned her nose black:

ah, yes. progress.


Blogger Moo Moo said...

awww... poor lil baby nice guy. She will be fine...

I think she is such a cutie though. Beautiful lil girl!

6/29/2005 12:28 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

she really is beautiful. Thanks for putting her picture up! Would still like to see a pic of you or the Mrs. I thought you were the man milk guy until I read the post that went along with it. phew. If you hadn't "lasered" her, all she would have had to bring to therapy are the printouts of this blog. She might as well get her money's worth.

6/29/2005 1:18 PM  
Anonymous Kym said...

Holy god I could hardly get through that post without tearing up. Speaking as the mother of a 5 month old you have my HEART FELT SYMPATHY in reguards to the laser ordeal. GOOD. GOD. how did you and Mrs. nice guy live through that? Shit, I'm such a wimp I dont even go to the shots appointments, seriously. I CANT deal with the idea they're about to hurt him, even when its for their own good. And they ALWAYS have to be so fucking happy and smiling jusssst before the the stabbing of the needle and what not, ughhhhh!And there's more appointments to come? :::breathing into brown paper bag::: I dont know who I feel worse for..your daughter or you guys. Nah, you guys, she'll never remember this and you guys will be jaded for life. I'm a beam of delightfulness eh? Well moving along to the bright side, your daughter is beautiful. In two words: THOSE EYES..... just precious!!

6/29/2005 1:18 PM  
Anonymous Noelle said...

I give you credit for maintaining your sense of humor through all of that. I kept laughing, then immediately feeling bad for laughing... because that poor, darling little baby girl! Lasers can't be fun for an infant! But then I'd be laughing again because you're so damn funny. Reading your blog is a like a trip down manic-depressive lane.

P.S. She's gorgeous!

6/29/2005 1:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate to the crying and tears, from my daughter's first round of shots at 2 months. Oh yeah, she cried too...

6/29/2005 2:21 PM  
Anonymous jmj said...

After close scientitic review of the nose picture, the answer is yes, I will take said infant. Very very cute. Kudos for attempting to anti-WC Fields her, just stop short of Michael Jacksoning her.

6/29/2005 2:35 PM  
Blogger Nickle Annie said...

Awww poor baby girl!

She is beautiful!

6/29/2005 3:13 PM  
Blogger DesertJade said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6/29/2005 4:37 PM  
Blogger DesertJade said...

Oh yes, I can see that look in her eye... The "WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE???" Look

Just kidding, she is so freaking adorable!

6/29/2005 4:37 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

So sweet -- and, by the expression, perplexed. So few new Earthling lives involve lasers.

And hey ... if you think the laser was bad, try spinal tapping your one-week-old sometime. Did you ever read "The Small Assassin," about the baby who WON'T TAKE IT ANYMORE? (On second thought, you probably shouldn't. Never mind.)

6/29/2005 5:03 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Aw, she really is quite incredibly beautiful! Such amazing eyes!

There are few things worse than intentionally causing pain to your child. The Boy had to go to the hospital overnight when he was nine weeks old because he had a non-febrile seizure. The docs had to stick him all over to get blood, and he had to have a spinal tap.

The only good thing that came out of that visit (other than the fact that he was OK) was that we learned what a "real" cry was.

6/29/2005 5:04 PM  
Anonymous Jujubee said...

Awww, she's so cute! Truly adorable, even with that bruise on her nose right now.

6/29/2005 5:05 PM  
Anonymous sam said...

My god, the cuteness!

6/29/2005 6:13 PM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

She's truly adorable. And the blackness will go away. I've had the laser treatment, way easier than steroids in my opinion.

6/29/2005 8:58 PM  
Anonymous robin said...

aw! she is sweet. good luck with the lasers.

6/29/2005 10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

those eyes are gorgeous.

6/29/2005 10:23 PM  
Anonymous BecjaJ said...

What is it now with the round-headed, big-eyed babies? The internet is giving birth to podlings, I swear.

Sure, I'll take her off your hands! If she doesn't mind sharing my apartment. I think she'll have to sleep in my closet.

6/29/2005 11:06 PM  
Anonymous Cousin_Ryumi said...

But she is so CUTE.......
Hang in there, everything will be fine.

6/30/2005 2:25 AM  
Anonymous JustDawn said...

Baby Nice Guy is the epitome of adorable-ness. I hope that the laser treatments are successful and that the Nice Guy Family can commence doting over their Perfect, Precious Daughter:)

6/30/2005 4:57 AM  
Anonymous Mater-in-law Nice Guy said...

I know that this most beautiful baby is doted on with a passion, not only is she beautiful, cute, alert and sweet, it looks like she's going to be as smart and with it as the parental nice guys, look at that Fuck-the-World expression. I just hope she's not going to be too perfect, it wouldn't be fair to the parents of the nice guys.

6/30/2005 11:07 AM  
Anonymous Gerah said...

I'd probably do the same thing you're doing and feel the same way about it too.

I'm sorry your little baby has to have a blemish. She still looks pretty darn perfect otherwise to me.

6/30/2005 2:59 PM  
Blogger Lesley said...

Look at the Google ad next to this post: it's for "clown noses". How cruel is that? It should be for "angelic smiles", "enormous eyes" or "cheeky expressions" or maybe "Self-help guides to beating your gene pool".

6/30/2005 4:46 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

lesley: AHAhhaAHAHA HAHAHA haHa AHa HAHa whahAaHaahaHa Ha Ah!!!

clown nose google ad? goddamn that is funny.

6/30/2005 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Louise said...

Poor lil babes, it can't be fun having to be held down and lasered. She's really freaking cute, bozo-nose or not. I can clear our a drawer if you want to lend her out.

6/30/2005 6:20 PM  
Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

What a beautiful little Baby!

I must admit they terrify me, babies, but this one is soooo cute!

Oh no, is this maternal feelings I am having???

*runs away screaming*

6/30/2005 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What beautiful, liquid pools she has for eyes! Although it's painful for all of you, I think you've chosen the right route, for what it's worth.

7/01/2005 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What beautiful, liquid pools she has for eyes! Although it's painful for all of you, I think you've chosen the right route, for what it's worth.

7/01/2005 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What beautiful, liquid pools she has for eyes! Although it's painful for all of you, I think you've chosen the right route, for what it's worth.

7/01/2005 10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before you know it, you'll be defending the Nice Guy family's honor with a baseball bat and this will all seem a long time ago!

You have a very beautiful baby...

7/01/2005 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am most likely going to have my daughter's hemangioma lasered but we are waiting to let it invloute as much as it can on it's own. I can not believe a dr would laser a baby without anesthetic. That is crazy. I will go the anesthetic route with our baby when her time comes. Anyway, I am positive in a few days or so your daughter's hemangioma will have improved tremendously. I have seen some awesome results from laser surgery. :)

7/01/2005 1:19 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Baby Nice Guy is adorable!

Dr. Waner is a renowned hemangioma/vascular anomalies specialist who happens to work at Beth Israel Hospital in NYC. He's been featured on several medical specials with children who have large hemangiomas and the before and after pictures are amazing!

7/02/2005 11:59 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

funny you mentioned waner, lisa, because he's the only one of the three people who our neighbors recommended that we HAVEN'T seen. we did schedule an appointment (after attempting to get through for nearly a week) -- he was booked for over a month. then he wanted to charge $350 for a CONSULTATION. we said "thanks but no thanks; we don't love our baby *that* much."

7/05/2005 2:49 PM  
Blogger cmhl said...

isn't that the worst thing when you know your child is going to have to have something painful.

My son had something similar on his chest, and it grew fairly large (about the size of a quarter), then gradually went down and now there is just a little red dot.

she looks like a sweetie!!!

7/09/2005 11:38 PM  
Blogger Catrina said...

Do you have any more postings relating to this?? My daughter has the same hemangioma in the exact same spot. We're setting up an appointment with a ped. derm. Any advice? Questions we should ask?

8/14/2007 3:00 PM  
Anonymous Susie said...

Thank you so much for posting those pictures. A friend of mine reads your blogs all the time and saw the pics. My daughter is 10 weeks and has the same thing. If we hadn't of seen your daughters picture we probably wouldn't have known to keep an eye on it. Hopefully it will not get big enough to effect her airway and will go away on it's own. Thanks a lot!!!

10/30/2008 10:35 AM  

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