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Thursday, July 07, 2005

why i hate myself today

first of all, the baby is officially 8 weeks old today. she should thank us for letting her live this long. man, this kid can cry. she cries all damn day. ALL. DAMN. DAY. mrs nice guy calls me at work at least twice a day to say: "she's still crying. she hasn't slept for more than 15 minutes. i hate her." i make sympathetic noises over the phone. then i hang up and praise allah that i am miles away.

we are all tired and a little cranky. which means it might--JUST MIGHT--not have been a total mistake when i injured my daughter this morning. i swear i didn't do it intentionally, but subconsciously? who knows.

as i was getting ready for work, the baby was doing her thing, perfecting her already impressive crying skills (see paragraph one). i cuddled her, i cooed to her, i put her in her little bouncy chair. she wasn't wholly satisfied with the way things were going, which she indicated by ratcheting up her cries by eighteen decibels. so i decided to put her in her swing. her swing always calms her down. the thing is baby crack. it's great: chills baby out so you can actually do something that doesn't involve selling your soul to make her stop screaming. we love the neglect-o-matic.

so i plopped her in the swing. she looked up at me and grinned. my heart melted a little. i tickled her and i forgave her for all the evil she has brought into the world. and then i buckled her in. snap! i buckled the left buckle. snap! i buckled the right buckle. hmm, there was a little resistance there.

i didn't just ... is it possible that i ... did her thigh get pinched in the buckle? oh sweet tiny infant jesus, weeping on the cross.

her grin instantly disappeared from her face. about ten million synapses fired in half a second as her face went from blank confusion to searing pain and indignant rage, indicating that i had indeed pinched her chubby thigh with the buckle. she actually spoke these words: SO HELP ME GOD I AM GOING TO FUCKING SUE YOUR SCRWANY WHITE ASS SO THOROUGHLY THAT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE FOREVER IMPOVERISHED! (she's still so little that she didn't realize that she was talking about her own children. how cute.)

then she cried her real tears again. christ i fucking loathe myself. mrs nice guy scooped her up and cuddled her, pet her, kissed her. she inspected the thigh -- lo and behold there was a little purple bruise already. i cannot begin to explain the hot heat of fiery rage the flared in my wife's eyes when she looked at me again. she said no words, but the meaning of her glare said "you are already dead, you just don't know it."


Blogger zzzzzoe said...

Awww... everything must be so crazy right now. It's gonna get better. And unfortunately, sometimes parents hurt their kids, accidentally or not. That's the way it works. If that's the most damage you ever do to your daughter you can count yourself lucky. On the other hand, you did give her the gift of life :)

7/07/2005 6:29 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Aw...I rember those evil buckles. Watch that stroller buckle - that'll getcha too.
By this time a year from now you'll have a whole list of stuff you did to her... Mine includes- bonking my son's head on the archway while taking him out of his sling, dropping the remote control on my daughter's melon while trying to change the channel without waking her up and that teensy little incident involving the baby-nail-clippers and a darkened room.... Oh the horror!

7/07/2005 6:34 PM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

ouch! I'm done those things Tina mentioned, but the worst was when I blinked while my son was on the changing table. He kick/pushed and slide out from under the buckle and off the end of the table. To land head first in the diaper genie then flipped into the trash and then to fall forward onto the hardwood floor. Oh yes, I am a bad mother...

7/07/2005 7:36 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

When I called my pediatrician, nearly sobbing, to tell him my son had just rolled off the couch (who knew he could roll?), he calmed me down by saying he was the one on duty when his son rolled off the changing table.

I felt so much better.

7/07/2005 8:09 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Wrap her real snug and tight in a baby blanket, hold her in your arms so her head is slight tilted downward, put your mouth next her ear and make loud "shhhshhhing" noises. This usually works miracles, reminds them of the womb. Don't worry about injuring her, we've all done it at some point, lucky for you she won't remember.

7/07/2005 9:59 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

"hot heat of fiery rage the flared in my wife's eyes when she looked at me again. she said no words, but the meaning of her glare said "you are already dead, you just don't know it."

I love that line, I love you Nice Guys!

7/08/2005 1:14 AM  
Anonymous Anna said...

You know how swings have that tray across the front? A week ago I got my daughter's leg caught between the tray and the seat. Didn't bother her at all until I tried to remove her, and then I realized she was stuck, she realized she was stuck, and the crying commenced. By the time I got her out of there, we were both in tears and she had a lovely bruise on her thigh.

Just in time for her 2-month checkup. So she also got jabbed with needles that day. She's going to grow up to be a serial killer, I just know it.

7/08/2005 1:17 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...


And when baby nice guy starts to ride a bicycle you will probably catch the tender skin under her chin in the helmet strap buckle.

I did that to my niece once and from then on had to put a half dozen band aids on the bottom portion of her face for protection before she'd let me put her helmet on.

Kids. Unforgiving little trolls.

7/08/2005 8:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

some kids are just screamers. mine was--a world class nonstop, no-sleep screamer. you think there's something wrong with them, or with you, but there isn't. they are just not thrilled with being babies. and don't worry about the mother rage when you hurt the baby--it's instinctive and unavoidable and she can't help it but basically she doesn't mean it. eventually she'll hurt the baby in a similar way but you won't be as angry because you don't have the 'morph into a she-wolf' hormone.

7/08/2005 9:02 AM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Oh yeah, this sounds familiar. Don't feel bad. My Long Tall Boy is 5 weeks old and Evil Genius Husband has already cracked his (the baby's, otherwise this'd sound kinda pornographic)wee head on a bookshelf. He was taking him out of the - you guessed it - swing at the time.

First time reader, BTW. Love the blog!


7/08/2005 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Melissa said...

Oh crap, I've done the same thing myself and didn't I feel like shit! Just wait until you clip her nails and clip one too short and it bleeds! Anyway, this screaming stuff goes on until the baby is about 3 1/2 months old and then it stops. Trust me. I've been there and I survived.

7/08/2005 3:24 PM  
Blogger World Of Wyld said...

ah the things i have to look forward too hay a screaming baby my partner has 12 weeks to go and then the quiet will be shattered

check out my blog


7/08/2005 4:47 PM  
Blogger maiji said...

her face went from blank confusion to searing pain and indignant rage

that's exactly what happened when i did had a little accident with my daughter in her bouncy seat. and she has a scar on her wrist to prove it.

tina is right... buckles are evil.

watch out for the metal ones in the car seat that's been in the sun of a while.... almost seared my daughter's leg with those.

7/08/2005 6:01 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

the day our baby cut her first tooth tooth at age 5 months:
me: yacking away on the phone, putting away laundry.
baby: learning to roll off our very high bed onto the hardwood floor. BANG!
me: aaaargh!blood! crying baby! sorry, gotta hang up now. oh look...a tooth!

The day she cut her first top tooth.
me: pediatrician says we have to give her "tummy time". okay baby, here you go...
baby: grunt, grunt
me: don't be sad. here, i'll play the little crocodile zylophone to make you happy. there, now. isn't this fun?
baby: waaaaahhhh (face plants on xylophone) blood! crying baby! new tooth! this time the xylophone wedges her gum straight up. she has a wavy, nasty black top gum for weeks.

lesson: parents bloody their children all the time. maybe it was the first time- certainly won't be the last. it's okay.

7/08/2005 7:53 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Don't worry, my mom thought she broke my wrist (accidentally!!) when I was a baby lol

And I'm living proof that baby swings aren't 100% effective...My mom said I hated mine! hehe

7/08/2005 10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me add to the list...

catching my daughter's lower lip in the chest clip of her car seat

accidentally smacking her in the head with a guitar on her 2nd birthday...she still talks about it 4 months later!! "got boo-boo on head at gammy's house! here, look"


7/12/2005 2:13 PM  
Blogger Indri said...

I love Angela's story--head first into the Diaper genie--oh god, poor baby. Poor Angela. And now the world knows.

7/14/2005 3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my GOD I just laughed for 5 full minutes outloud at your post... thank you.

7/20/2005 8:55 AM  

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