hey lady, you got the love i need

here is a fact i picked up recently: creative genius expresses itself early in men but is turned off--almost like a tap--when a man gets married and has children. the dwindling energy of youth and the dampening effect of marriage essentially put the kibosh on brilliant work in not only science, but also music, painting, writing and, alas (no, make that double super secret alas), criminal activity. mr nice guy finds this all simultaneously depressing and yet also reassuring. let's start with the former.

this is depressing because:

1. my greatest work is apparently behind me. i don't even know what my greatest work was! growing my hair down to my ass in college? learning how to play the bitchin' intro to "over the hills and far away" on guitar? my third grade science fair entry, "making dirt from scratch," which was done entirely by my dad? no clue! i'll let you know what it was when i think of it, but since my IQ is apparently evaporating as i type, i'll consider myself lucky if i remember which subway i need to take to get home.
2. i am pretty sure that raising a child will be the single greatest riddle i have ever been confronted with and yet now--now! of all times!--is when my brain decides to call it quits. fucking brain!
3. this means my lovely bride is correct all those times she tells me i am acting "stupider than slingblade." alas again!

and yet still, i do manage to find solace in this news of my cognitive deterioration. to wit:

1. it's not my fault! whatever stupid thing i do, from now UNTIL THE END TIMES, i have been exonerated beforehand by this brilliant study. however badly i fare as a father, i can always cite this report. i can always take comfort in the fact that i was smarter before the child was born. it's like i was preordained to degenerate ... so why sweat it? wife! fetchez-moi another beer!
2. as such, the pressure's off! now i can concentrate, guilt-free, on parenting without wringing my hands over the fact that i still haven't written the great american power ballad novel. it's never going to happen now! how could it? i am stupider than i was as a bachelor. [2.5: in perhaps the first sign of mental atrophy, i see no contradiction in assuming that since i have given up on writing the great american power ballad novel--since the pressure has so gloriously been removed--the great american power ballad novel will practically write itself the next time i sit down to type a blog entry! bring on the groupies copy editors!]
3. ok, the truth? i secretly believe that this "marriage destroys creative genius" theory doesn't apply to me personally. indeed, my acuity will be as sharp as ever! fear my acuity! fear the sharp blade of its sharpness! but, here's the kicker: people who know i have recently become a father will foolishly assume i have gotten dumber, because that's what new parents do. they get dumb. so in fact i will be gaining a competitive edge! ha! mr nice guy wins again!