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Monday, July 18, 2005

a mistress most welcome

so my darling bride up and took our tiny baby away. they are gone. the two of them joined mrs nice guy's dutch mother in cape cod, where they will be for over a week, doing lord knows what. eating lobster rolls and having clam bakes and saying "wicked" a lot, probably. i, sadly, could not join them. i was invited, mind you. the entire dutch side of the family is coming over from dutchland: mother-in-law will be joined by her mother, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. they all get together every summer, usually in europe, and have elaborate vacations that involve lots of wine and arguments. this year, however, everyone has come to the States to meet the baby, the latest in nice guy technology. i am unable to join them because i will be taking four months leave beginning august and my boss probably wouldn't have looked too, too kindly on me taking a week off before that happened.

so, basically, i am home alone for 11 days, bereft of wife and child. i can't believe how much i miss them. i can't go a whole hour without wondering what they're doing. ah, hell. readers, i can't keep lying to you ...




ladies and gentlemen, do you know what a glorious thing it is to sleep for more than three consecutive hours? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THE CHILDLESS AMONG YOU HAVE IT? you have it pretty good, i will say that. mrs nice guy calls me once or twice a day and, absolutely, it's genuinely lovely to hear her mellifluous voice. but, oh, man, the sleep. The Sleep! she is the most irresistible seductress. i love her. more than anything. ANYTHING. where has she been?

so, yeah. i am sleeping. also. just for the record, my alcohol consumption seems to have spiked by four thousand percent. my liver sent me an email today that said: "hey, maybe you should consider joining your wife on the cape." i marked it as spam. stupid liver.

i will not bore you with details, but saturday night--which was, as it happens, the night they left town--i managed to stay out until four a.m. (i seem to recall my friends throwing donuts at my house before i went to glorious sleep.) sunday night i had dinner and drinks with a colleague of my wife's who i suspect is a spy, but i tolerate her anyway because she is worse at billiards than i. this morning i caught the 11 a.m. showing of wedding crashers. that's right: a movie! i haven't seen a movie in an actual theater in like six months! then i spent the day doing NOTHING. i didn't change a single diaper. i didn't beg a single infant to stop screaming long enough to let me go to the bathroom. not once! now i am going to go to bed EARLY and i am going to sleep for TWELVE HOURS. AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

wife, when you read this, i apologize. i miss you. i know you think i am entertaining ten hookers a minute. but, honestly, i am too tired for that. truly. it will be wonderful to see you again. you should know that, even if i haven't vacuumed or fed the cats in nearly two weeks, i look at pictures of our baby every night before i turn in. i do miss you, i swear. i love feeling your presence, that heft of home, beside me in our bed. but sleep, she has not visited the bed for longer. and she is a mistress most welcome.


Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

We are yet to breed. I have a mantra I recite every Saturday and Sunday morning: “Ahhh, it’s the weekend and I can sleep in. Thank God I have no children”. No shit, I do. I have learned from all the poor suckers I work with that this mistress is most missed when them puppies get squeezed, so I am ravishing her while I can!!!

7/18/2005 10:12 PM  
Blogger Elisabeth said...

Adorable! Absolutely adorable blog. Keep it coming.

About the sleep.. been there. it will EVENTUALLY get better. Although not much.


7/18/2005 11:11 PM  
Anonymous Beth said...

Eventually they grow up and leave home. You may then catch up on at least 18 years worth of sleep. But do it fast, for they sometimes return to eat all your food and keep you up at night.

The first child was gone, came back and is gone again. The second child is in the midst of his second term at home and the third child is off to college soon. Hopefully I'll find sleep again in the next couple of years.

(Of course, by then I fully expect to have grandchildren keeping me up.)

In the meantime I've moved the phone out of the bedroom so they won't call me when they get arrested in the middle of the night.

7/19/2005 12:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no blog for three whole days, and wife and child have been gone - oh, blame it on the sleep mistress! you are indeed cruel to the addicted fans - or have you been secretly cleaning the house?

7/19/2005 1:18 AM  
Anonymous Denotsko said...

Oh, you'll sleep. Sleep a lot.....for now. In a week, you will be all caught up on slumber and lie in your bed alone; missing them. You will ache for the return of your family so much that you will even drink a little less in their absence. A little.

Then they will be back. The first day will be bliss. Then reality will once again hit you like a shoe thrown by an angry mother.


7/19/2005 1:30 AM  
Anonymous denotsko's wife... said...

Lining up the shoes to throw at you when you get home from work...

And I don't recall you losing too many hours of sleep in the 9.5 years that we have "squeezed out" 4 puppies;) I think that it was *I* who got up...truged out of our room to change and nurse every last one of them back to slumberland several times a night. You on the other hand, could sleep through a nuclear blast...BUSTED, my friend...YOU ARE BUSTED.

7/19/2005 4:21 AM  
Blogger momma of 2 said...

Ahhh...Behold the power of actual sleep. Enjoy it while you can. Great blog -

7/19/2005 8:15 AM  
Anonymous merf said...

so if you have four months 'off' starting in august does this mean you'll be posting every day? hmmm?

7/19/2005 8:49 AM  
Anonymous Patti said...

So, when are you taking the wee one away so the wife can get some peace?

7/19/2005 10:15 AM  
Anonymous Melissa L said...

Oh, I give it another day and then you'll be begging your wife to hold up the phone while the baby cries because you miss her so much. So WICKED much!

7/19/2005 12:41 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

hahaha! melissa (and merf and patti): no.

7/19/2005 12:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is it worse than graduate school (medical school in my case) ... i swore that i would never put myself through such sleepless torment ever again in my life !

7/19/2005 4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know, this is easily the funniest blog out there, so i don't understand why you don't have more readers. maybe if you deleted some of the cheesy sites on your links list? or pretended to be a woman?

7/19/2005 7:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why bill cosby?

7/19/2005 7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i mean, knee surgery i can understand...

7/19/2005 7:21 PM  
Blogger Dad said...

Not sure you should be vacuuming the cat. What if its tail gets stuck in the pipe?

7/20/2005 9:33 AM  
Anonymous Melissa L said...

Have you started sniffing the baby blankets and weeping yet? You will- I give it another day.

7/20/2005 10:36 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

why bill cosby? this is why:

7/20/2005 11:23 AM  
Blogger no milk said...

the picture on your post reminded me of this


7/20/2005 5:26 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

Sleep is so addictive like meth (i am told), what are you going to do when THEY return? and you have to boot sleep out the door?

7/20/2005 5:37 PM  
Anonymous vindictaphone said...

Four months paternity leave??? Why, that's almost....Unamerican, is it not?

7/21/2005 1:28 AM  
Anonymous Western Dave said...

Why Bill Cosby? Have you never heard of the chicken heart that ate New Jersey? Tip to Mr. Nice Guy: When they turn five, don't buy Jell-O.

7/21/2005 10:40 AM  
Blogger KDunk said...

lucky you to take some time off. think of all the blogging you can do!

7/24/2005 7:23 PM  

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