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Monday, April 24, 2006

nanny nanny billygoat

so i have not really had an occasion to call New Mom on her day off, so i don't know what song she has on her voice mail. but i did happen to be in the room the other day when her phone rang. "rang" is perhaps the wrong word. it seems she is a fan of ringtones. specifically, it seems she is a fan of Destiny's Child ringtones. or maybe it's En Vogue? Eve 6? i am afraid my girl group knowledge starts at around the Boswell Sisters and stops short at the Sweet Inspirations. but i do know that when Mom 2.0's phone rings, it sings like some fine lookin' lady who has finally given up on waiting to exhale. still, at least New Mom is listening to soul stirring girlfriend-he-ain't-no-good divalicious grrrl power slow jams and not let-me-pour-burning-hot-oils-on-your-fine-shapely-booty slow jams. so there's that.

there's also this: New Mom is from St. Lucia, an island about which i know nothing. so we got to talking. "ahh, the caribbean," i said. "now be honest, don't you just love listening to reggae while smoking spliffs bigger than your own femur?" New Mom replied, without missing a beat, "reggae's ok, but i prefer soca." curse you, New Mom! you are too wily for mr. nice guy.

anyway, the baby hasn't exactly warmed up to Mom 2.0 as quickly as she was letting on at first -- i suspect she was engaging in cunning reverse psychology: "look dad! i love the nanny! i don't need you anymore." this would make me jealous and then make me fire New Mom. well, it did indeed make me jealous but Mom 1.0 will not let me fire the nanny. the baby has figured this out. so she has adopted a new tactic: getting her first molars.

holy crap molars are a bitch, people. let me tell you something: i started getting happy when the nanny showed up to work -- here, lady, she's all yours. she may be feverish, screaming and squirmy, but at least she's refusing to eat or be bathed. and christ, the drooling! i lifted her over my head the other day and it was like someone opened the floodgates on the Three Fucking Gorges Dam. i had expectoration all over my shirt, smeared across my cheek, dangling from my chin. clearly she is trying to render the nanny unable to work by driving her insane.

but the nanny, she is tenacious. she repeatedly tells me "it will take a month, you'll see. she'll get used to me. one of my former babies is all grown up now and he still calls me all the time." the scary thing: i believe her. why is that scary? because it means i really do have to go back to work next Tuesday. that's in just eight days. i haven't sat in my office since August! can you imagine? but now i must return, the time has come ... unless some kind soul out there sends me a million dollars.

anyone?

no?

ingrates.

7 Comments:

Anonymous JustLinda said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I tried to use my blog to get a million dollars the other day too. Fell FLAT ON MY FACE. I can't believe how stingy people are...

Maybe you'll do better.

4/24/2006 2:44 PM  
Anonymous dear wife said...

Oh I feel you on those molars. I babysat my friends twins yesterday and the girl was teething a set of molars. The usual chipper easy going girl was nowhere in site.

4/24/2006 3:21 PM  
Anonymous marian said...

Well, here's my teething recipe: 12 drops of single malt scotch in 8 ounces of cold water, in a bottle.

If that doesn't work, dip your pinky in the scotch and rub it on her gums. Then take a big swig. That should do it.

4/24/2006 6:40 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

Sure, NG... the check's in the mail. Could you wait until the 1st to cash it though? Thanks.

Marian has the right idea -- good old-fashioned Southern remedy. (Except Mom's version called for TWO big swigs for you, but you'll have to see what dosage is appropriate for you.)

Good luck. This too shall pass.

~C~

4/24/2006 9:10 PM  
Blogger chelsyliz said...

the check is in the mail MNG. hope it gets there in time to thwart off the inevidable employment.

4/25/2006 12:11 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

You really need to write a how-to guide regarding the leave policy you got from work, because even though it sucks that you have to go back now, 8 months for a testicled parent is freakin' unheard of.

4/26/2006 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Western Dave said...

MNG,
You don't know drool until you meet Cleft Palate Baby. We his kind, loving parents actually call him Drooly. I tell ya, he's gonna have a complex. And it will all be my fault. Hey, look, I turned into my mother!

4/27/2006 3:33 PM  

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