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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

profiles in parenting: a blind item

rookie parenting maneuver number 1: take the kid to your favorite bobo parent coffee bar hangout for singalong. stand aside as your 10-month-old cruises up and down the length of the room. exude cheap faux-humility as your precious baby charms the ovaries out of every female within a 6-block radius -- she makes big googly eyes! she laughs! she claps! she waves! -- by shrugging and saying "i'm sorry; i sure hope we're not disturbing your laptop time!" just as she adorably dips her hand into a purse someone had thoughtlessly left next to their chair, ostentatiously scoop her up (look at me, everyone! i'm daddy to this cute, cute, cute little monkey!). then toss her into the air without looking up first to see the dangling star of death:

seriously, man. only when she is airborne, do you bother to glance toward the ceiling and -- holy fuck! -- she is about to be impaled on her fontanel! you are too horrified to fully register that EVERYONE IN THE COFFEE SHOP is looking at you and have just collectively sucked all the air out of the entire borough of brooklyn in one huge gasp. the sudden vacuum created is surely what saves your baby. either that or THANK GOD you have not exercised in 10 months and therefore couldn't throw her high enough to seal her fate. but just one more inch and she would have been a goner. singalong would never forget the day you dashed your baby's head into the low-hanging lamp of jagged doom. you are humbled, but at least your child is none the wiser.

rookie parenting maneuver number 2: when your wife comes home from work, tell her all about it.


Blogger KristieD said...

oh goodness. what a great post. Great job avoiding complete disaster with the lack of exercise. See- it was all for a reason!!

3/21/2006 11:33 PM  
Anonymous Jujubee said...

I wish my husband would learn #2. It would make life so much more relaxed for both of us.

3/22/2006 12:36 AM  
Blogger justdawn said...

I think that ALL dads do that sort of thing;)

3/22/2006 1:58 AM  
Blogger Mama Grouch said...

Not just dads. I stuck the creep's head in a ceiling fan the other day. Nothing like the THWAP THWAP THWAP of the blades on your baby's head to convince you that you are a very very very bad parent.

3/22/2006 8:41 AM  
Anonymous Dreadmouse said...

At least you didn't dangle him off a balcony?

3/22/2006 10:52 AM  
Blogger justdawn said...

Not that she's admitted to...yet;)

3/22/2006 11:19 AM  
Blogger Mary P. said...

One of my 6-foot tall clients tossed his little one up the other day, and had I not grabbed the tot by her ankle, she'd have surely been brained by the doorframe he was standing in. I didn't tell mom - AND I suggested the same tactic for him...

Now I have to go read mama grouch's post. thwapthwapthwap... LOL

3/22/2006 1:08 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

i think flinging babies around is a guy thing. although i've read that it's actually good for babies (barring sharp objects, foor frames, and ceiling fans) it's supposed to help them develop balance and proprioception.

3/22/2006 2:23 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

that's "door frames" not foor frames. sorry.

3/22/2006 2:25 PM  
Blogger Janie said...

Oh, good lord! Your post gave ME palpitations and I'm way over here.

Curious - as a new mom, I am overwhelmingly (and sometimes alarmingly) "aware" of possible dangers around the baby. I can't look at a kitchen knife within 10 feet of him, or see him venture too near the stairs without imagining him tumbling down.

I've not consulted a therapist, and maybe this hyperalertness is indicative of some mental illness, but I chalk it up to being a new mom and needing to be ever-vigilant. Nature's way to protect the baby. I am the primary caregiver. My husband does not have such an eye for danger.

So, since you are the primary caregiver in your home, do you have this spider sense? (with the exception of the star of death, of course.)

Just curious.

3/22/2006 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Lice Guy said...

That's like the time I put my son down on the roof of my car to unlock the door.

3/23/2006 8:52 AM  
Anonymous JustLinda said...

I don't mind when he takes the babies out in order to attract the attention of hot chicks, but yeah, I prefer when he doesn't tell me about the near-death incidents. But that's just me. LOL

3/23/2006 11:31 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

you gotta comment about the britney (spears) sculpture at that gallery in brooklyn... she has a c-section... some artists are totally nuts...

**not work safe**

3/23/2006 11:40 PM  
Blogger jess said...

see, the biggest danger to the sweetest boy is not my husband, but the pointy hook in his car.

3/25/2006 7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


1/03/2012 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehe BOoBIES

( . Y . )

1/03/2012 1:11 PM  

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