profiles in parenting: a blind item
seriously, man. only when she is airborne, do you bother to glance toward the ceiling and -- holy fuck! -- she is about to be impaled on her fontanel! you are too horrified to fully register that EVERYONE IN THE COFFEE SHOP is looking at you and have just collectively sucked all the air out of the entire borough of brooklyn in one huge gasp. the sudden vacuum created is surely what saves your baby. either that or THANK GOD you have not exercised in 10 months and therefore couldn't throw her high enough to seal her fate. but just one more inch and she would have been a goner. singalong would never forget the day you dashed your baby's head into the low-hanging lamp of jagged doom. you are humbled, but at least your child is none the wiser.
rookie parenting maneuver number 2: when your wife comes home from work, tell her all about it.