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Friday, February 17, 2006

an Rx for frustration

the pediatrician's visit was a resounding success. no shots. baby's healthy. rah rah, sis boom bah.

she asked what the baby was up to, so we told her: cruising like a maniac. we routinely prop her up against something, then turn around to do some chore or other, and, presto!, when we turn around again 30 seconds later she is in a different part of the room. it's terrifying, this mobility. her new goal is apparently to pull the television down off its stand and crush her skull. i'll let you know how that works out for her.

the pediatrician said "great, so she's pulling herself up and cruising around." we said, "no. she's cruising around. not pulling herself up." the baby understands the concept of pulling herself up, but she doesn't do it -- there's nothing in the apartment that isn't either (a) likely to fall over on her if she pulls herself up on it, or (b) impossible for her tiny hands to get a grip on. this was greatly disconcerting to our doc, who said she had never heard of a baby cruising before she was able to pull herself up. i said, "hey, she's thinking outside the box. a creative genius!" the doctor said "let her get more frustrated, she'll start pulling herself up."

more frustrated? if this child gets any more frustrated over the course of a day, her head will implode and leak from her navel. she sees all kinds of wonderful things that she would love to be able to do, but can't quite figure out how: she can't walk on her own; she can't crawl; she can't get out of bed when she wants to; she is forced to have her teeth brushed; she can't decide for herself when to eat; she can't talk although she is beginning to understand words; she can't sit still although she can't really move too far on her own. and so on.

i am no mathematician, but i have calculated the ratio of my child's frustration level per square inch of her tiny body. let us assume that a healthy ratio is something like .05 ampules of frustration to 1 sq.inch. well, my daughter is somewhere in the neighborhood of 230^5:.03 -- any more frustration would be suicide, man! captain, she's giving it all she's got!

anyway. more stats for you. for a nine month old she is in:

  • the 28th percentile for height (she has two tall-ass parents, so i don't know where she went wrong here)
  • the 49th percentile for head circumference (nice to see she is no longer a tiny-skulled freak. let's just hope the head-growth plateaus here and she doesn't turn into some balloon headed elephant girl)
  • the 57th percentile for weight (with thunder thighs like those?! i'd hate to see 98th percentile)
  • the 108th percentile for toxic emissions (poppy's so proud)
  • the 257th percentile for cuteness (what? i am totally not making this up)
  • the 334th percentile for having the biggest possible douchebag of a dad

you get the picture. she's normal. beautifully normal ... unlike one particular child i had the misfortune of crossing paths with yesterday, who was neither beautiful nor normal. i wrote a wee impromptu rant over at the blogfathers, which seems to have struck a nerve.


Anonymous Mandy said...

My son wouldn't even pull up until about a year old, the lazy slug, much less cruise around. He was a champion crawler, however, because he could chase our dogs that way. Poor long-suffering puppies. My friend's son was pulling up and cruising at 6 months, which for some reason kind of gave me the creeps.

2/17/2006 12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on a successful trip to the peditrician. BNG sounds like she is perfect. My daughter is in the 90th percentile for weight, when she bathes, her belly button turns into Lake Michigan. Her thighs and butt have more dimples than you've got bottles of booze. But imagine this, she can still do the splits.

2/17/2006 1:42 PM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

Ha! I just read that other article and - damn - that mommy needs to back off a little on the small white pills in the morning, methinks.

Sounds like your daughters doing FINE. She scored a TAD lower than mine on the cuteness percentile, but then they can't ALL be as cute as mine, right? ;)

2/17/2006 1:59 PM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

you said:

I cannot stop laughing, I know it's cruel's sooo very true. You crack me up on so many different levels!

2/17/2006 3:39 PM  
Blogger chelsyliz said...

nice to know bng is doing great! when my son did those blasted tests he had a weight at head at 98%. he was the fat baby balloon headed freak you are refering too. a damn good lookin balloon headed freak tho!

2/17/2006 4:23 PM  
Anonymous marian said...

wow. yeah, don't worry about the competitive cruising thing. in a year you won't even remember that she used to not run everywhere.

about the toddlers. i had a world class screamer. whenever we went somewhere we'd stop outside the store/restaurant wherever, and I'd say "the minute you start screaming, we're outta here, no matter what we're doing." and i'd stick to that. left carts full of groceries, tables full of food. no scene, no anger, just quietly pack up and leave. took a few times, but it worked.

however, there are kids with adhd and all of those dreaded syndromes of the new millenium that simply can't be controlled and i can understand how the mothers might just give up out of exhaustion. i guess. trying to be fair here.

2/17/2006 7:51 PM  
Blogger hissychick said...

BNG sounds like a paid up member of the 'Pull ups are pants, not a means of movement' club, of which my (ahem) one year old daughter is president.

You can rest assured that no member will ever be guilty of screaming their ugly toddler face off. Their beauty and genius- which negates any obnoxious behaviour- is inherited from their parents of course.

2/18/2006 7:33 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Marian: Nope. Even kids with ADHD can be 'controlled'. It just takes longer. Where it might have taken you a few times, it took us at least 20 or 30. But we got there, and consistency is the key.

MNG: Excellent baby stats! I think she's ready to go pro.

2/18/2006 10:45 PM  
Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

When my pumpkin headed kid measured at 60th percentile head circumference I wondered " How do the parents of the 90th precentile kids get shirts over their huge noggins?" I felt certain he was freakish and he was barely above normal. Go Figure.

2/21/2006 1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey what happend your last post. I didn't even get to read it :(

2/22/2006 7:18 AM  

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