weak in the knees
so i get a call on friday from my hot doctor's office gnomes, who tell me that they have to indefinitely postpone my surgery. i was scheduled to have what amounts to a triple bypass on my left knee, the main event of which entails sticking a dead guy's meniscus in there.
apparently they haven't found the right dead guy yet.
i have to admit i was a little suspicious of this whole thing. about a month ago, i told them "hey let's try to get this surgery scheduled as soon as possible." they said "ok, how does february 6 work?" i said "great. how do you know you'll have a meniscus, though?" they said, ominously, "oh, we'll have one."
i went waay uptown to the Hospital for Slicing People Up in Very Complicated Ways to get a scan of my knee, so they would know the exact size of my meniscus. my hot doctor assured me that they would have a match (same size, same age) within a month.
i wondered: how on earth did he plan on getting a fresh 31-year-old meniscus that belonged to an otherwise healthy recently deceased 6'3" male in such a timely fashion. so i asked him. he said "don't you worry. Vinnie Three Fingers will take care of everything."
it seems this is a well-connected hospital, because i got a call from the doctor's office yesterday and they said "we have a meniscus here, but it's two millimeters too narrow and one millimeter too short. we can't put this in your knee in good faith." they also mentioned that they had another meniscus on the west coast that some hospital was going to FedEx (or however you send fresh dead-guy bits) to them, but they suspected that was also too small.
so they're not going to cut me open tomorrow. i have to sit and wait for the right guy to die. somewhere in this country there is an otherwise healthy 6'3" 31-year-old male -- maybe he's reading this right now; maybe he's you -- who is going to die very soon. i wonder how. anyway, i am going to get a little piece of his knee when he goes.
sorry, man, i don't want you to die. to be honest, i don't really want this surgery. but they say i need it. so i am just sitting here waiting for you to check out.
i wish vinnie three fingers would hurry up.
apparently they haven't found the right dead guy yet.
i have to admit i was a little suspicious of this whole thing. about a month ago, i told them "hey let's try to get this surgery scheduled as soon as possible." they said "ok, how does february 6 work?" i said "great. how do you know you'll have a meniscus, though?" they said, ominously, "oh, we'll have one."
i went waay uptown to the Hospital for Slicing People Up in Very Complicated Ways to get a scan of my knee, so they would know the exact size of my meniscus. my hot doctor assured me that they would have a match (same size, same age) within a month.
i wondered: how on earth did he plan on getting a fresh 31-year-old meniscus that belonged to an otherwise healthy recently deceased 6'3" male in such a timely fashion. so i asked him. he said "don't you worry. Vinnie Three Fingers will take care of everything."
it seems this is a well-connected hospital, because i got a call from the doctor's office yesterday and they said "we have a meniscus here, but it's two millimeters too narrow and one millimeter too short. we can't put this in your knee in good faith." they also mentioned that they had another meniscus on the west coast that some hospital was going to FedEx (or however you send fresh dead-guy bits) to them, but they suspected that was also too small.
so they're not going to cut me open tomorrow. i have to sit and wait for the right guy to die. somewhere in this country there is an otherwise healthy 6'3" 31-year-old male -- maybe he's reading this right now; maybe he's you -- who is going to die very soon. i wonder how. anyway, i am going to get a little piece of his knee when he goes.
sorry, man, i don't want you to die. to be honest, i don't really want this surgery. but they say i need it. so i am just sitting here waiting for you to check out.
i wish vinnie three fingers would hurry up.
posted by mr. nice guy at 10:55 AM
14 Comments:
'Vinnie' would probably break the kneecaps first, making them unusable.
There is a sort of gallows humor in waiting for an organ transplant. People in my life have been on both sides of the issue: signing away my uncle's organs for transplant, and waiting for my dad to get a heart. Some kid in a burn unit got my uncle's skin, and my dad got his one-in-a-million chance at a heart (he was waaay down the list). So, although it seems slightly insensitive...good luck.
Wow. Talk about odd.
You need that meniscus thingie but to get it, some other guy has to bite it.
Sucks.
Man...reading this latest entry started to make me a bit nervious. I'm 6'3.5" and 33. So, I'm hoping that this somehow takes me out of the running as a possible supplier of your much needed meniscus. However, I'll still be keeping my eyes peeled for Vinnie...
you are a sick person. and very good at writing about it...
interesting, matt. very interesting. i wouldn't go outside too much this week if i were you. just a little friendly advice.
you should go scouting guys in your sized clothing section at random stores...scoping the possibilites as it were...then call in their location to the hospital to hurry Vinnie's interview prosess a touch.
just a thought...
I work in a hospital that does some transplanting and heard that recently across the country there have been some sketchy wheelings-and-dealings about donated meniscusss... menisci... whatever... you know what I mean. Watch out... you may get a zombie joint or something.
my husbands 6'2", healthy and is 34...maybe we can work something out...
Better watch it. Vinnie might try to knock you off for the next guy's defective knee.
You never know - Vinnie might be already looking for a guy with crappy knees and everything else working for the guy with great knees who needs everything else. Those fancy toes are in high demand.
A bit far fetched, but stranger things have happened.
Here's hoping someone with just the most fabu miniscus ever kicks it soon! I have-a the surgery on Monday. I tell anyone who will listen about it to garner sympathy. If an incisional hernia from my c-section won't buy me that it's really not good for a darn thing.
What happened to the good old days when they just replaced everything with Gore-Tex?
As the proud survivor of two knee surgeries, I want to wish you the best of luck on yours. Although maybe waiting until the ground is clear and dry wouldn't be such a bad thing, hm?
I'd say, "good luck!" but that would be wishing death upon some poor totally healthy 31 year old guy and that seems like bad karma.
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