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Sunday, January 22, 2006

mr nice guy is sad


hot on the heels of my last endorsement -- which also happened to be my very first endorsement -- i am here with a fresh, silky smoove ALL NEW mr nice guy endorsement. here goes: global warming is awesome.

yes, that's right. it's january and the mercury hit the 60-degree mark this weekend. if memory serves, at this time last year it was hovering around ZERO here in new york. now? it's board shorts, ray-bans, flip-flops (for which my feet are more evolutionarily suited than yours) and patio lounging! in winter! thank you global warming! who cares if my grand-kids will cower from ultra-deadly UV-infused sunlight, have to live in caves and have a life-expectancy of 38 years (provided the polar ice melt-off doesn't drown them first)? it's springtime in january as far as i'm concerned.

so with that in mind, i have been bringing my child to the tot lot! now, for those of you who don't have kids: eight-month-olds are not tots. but my infant, who does not walk under her own power or even crawl, does not know this. as far as she's concerned, she was made for the tot lot. i brought here there for the first time on friday and, when i put her down on the ground -- smack in the middle of the neon yellow bars, reflective metal and hyperactive kids twice her age and size -- she looked up at me and said: "thank you, father, for bringing me to this little people valhalla. i am home now. and you, my friend, are dismissed."


i propped her up so she could stand by herself, hanging onto the bars, with a clear vantage point of the romping bigger kids. she squealed like a weasel in heat. these were her people!

anyway. she had great fun, thanks to the very greenhouse gases that are slow-roasting us all. she clapped her hands, she exuberantly stomped her stumpy legs. she doesn't really show much interest in kids her own age. but it's truly amazing: whenever big kids are within range, she gets totally wound up. she stares at them as if they were so many jodie fosters to her lone, crazed john hinckley jr. these other kids, she says, they can run! they can jump! i love them. it's a little heartbreaking: she wants their attention. she wants them to notice her too. she wants to play. and they ... well, they totally ignore her.

it's all very cute but it makes me a little sad.

it makes me sad that she is learning that there's a bigger world out there. and it makes me a little sad that she must soon learn one of the hard facts of life. she has realized there are other, bigger kids out there -- and although they are very appealing to her, she will learn that the feeling is not necessarily mutual. it makes me sad that she will someday know the meaning of rejection. it makes me sad that she will have her heart broken.

but it's not what you think. it makes me sad for selfish reasons: mostly it makes me sad because i will have to hunt down the scumbag who hurts her heart. and i will commit odious acts of unspeakable violence upon him (or her). it makes me sad because then i will have to go to jail. this is what makes me sad. i don't want to go to jail. i have a pretty mouth.

i hate fatherhood!

11 Comments:

Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

Hilarious! Thank you for the laughs!
p.s. I LOVE her outfit. CUTE CUTE CUTE.

1/22/2006 10:59 PM  
Blogger Design Translator said...

Its beautiful. That were some of my thoughts when i picked up my son for the first time...

1/23/2006 3:05 AM  
Blogger hobbes said...

It's strange, isn't it, how sunny days inevitably turn to thoughts of incarceration. Parenthood is a complicated thing indeed.

1/23/2006 5:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flippin' hilarious...! you crack me up every time!

1/23/2006 10:35 AM  
Anonymous CroutonBoy said...

That was the best closing line I've read in a long time.

Perhaps your brother, who designed the prison, can get sent there with you and help break you out...

1/23/2006 11:54 AM  
Blogger Mater Nice Guy said...

Yes, she is so very cute, even from the back. You want to pick her up right off the computer screen and take her back to even sunnier Los Angeles.

1/23/2006 2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously if you don't write a book I will go on a hunger strike!!!!!!!!!

1/23/2006 8:45 PM  
Anonymous Chrissy said...

what a cute kid!

1/23/2006 10:29 PM  
Blogger Momma Bean said...

You're my new favorite place to visit. And this particular one made me laugh and cry. BEE-YOOT-EE-FULL!!

1/26/2006 10:03 AM  
Anonymous cbgrfx said...

Can we see your pretty mouth?... I mean you already showed us your um... eveloutionary enhanced toes!!

Soak up every minute with the little miss. Mine are 9 and 3 now and 'mama ain't birthin' no mo babies' so it's bittersweet that some of the milestones we have experienced are the last ones for us.

1/28/2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger krewprincess said...

(coming out of lurkspace) MNG, you never cease to amaze me. I went from sobbing (I'm a mother of a 5 month old and 7 year old) to laughing hysterically. However, it is all so true. Thank you for all the stories I can relate to and for all the humor. I can't help but share your blog with my hubby every time I read it. Thanks again for all the tears and laughs.

1/30/2006 2:47 PM  

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