oh! you pretty things

hello dearies. i hope you all had a lovely weekend. i know i did: you see, mr nice guy has made a discovery that will echo through the halls of science for generations to come. move over charles darwin and tell stephen jay gould the news: there's a new top evolutionary dog on the block.

i have here before me irrefutable proof that i -- and more importantly my daughter -- have taken one giant step forward in evolution. we are the first of a new, superior breed of humans.

don't believe me? OBSERVE MY FOOT!



look at the grace, the quiet power, the obvious intellectual gravitas of that foot! note how there is a space between the powerful hallux and the demure second toe -- none of that fithly long second toe claustrophobically pressed up against its stubby big toe neighbor business (warning: DO NOT do a google image search of the word "hallux." and if you do, don't blame me when your retinas start bleeding). no! my hairless foot is aerodynamic, svelte, efficient. it is the apotheosis of human evolution. it is, if you will pardon the pun, a step ahead.

but don't take my word for it! here is what no lesser authority than the Encyclopaedia Brittanica has to say about my flippers:

Essential to the locomotor adaptation of the Hominidae is the plantigrade foot--one in which both sole and heel touch the ground--that was produced by structural modifications of the ancestral prehensile primate foot. The foot of erect bipedal man must completely support the body and be strong enough to lift the load by its lever action.

allow me to translate: my foot is more plantigrade than yours. it is longer, leaner, flatter and meaner. not only is the space between my big toe and second toe aesthetically appealing, it is functionally devastating. my hoof is capable of even greater lever action, it is exponentially more adept at being a foot in the new millennium. you should see me dance! yes, this is Foot 2.0.

now, behold the foot of my spawn. see how she, uh, kicks it up a notch. witness how the genes of the father have been improved upon in the daughter. behold the next generation of superhuman. yea, verily i say, behold your new MASTER:

tell me that's not a gorgeous foot! tell me the intelligent design theory has not just been utterly demolished in one fell kick by a certain 8-month-old hominidae. she has her daddy's toe-gap! oh, i am so proud. together, in giant strides, we shall rule the world! benevolently, of course. we are a benevolent master race. all we ask is that you admire our evolutionarily advanced feet, concede their superiority and maybe send us boatloads of cash.


oh, and they're surprisingly odorless. so there's that too.