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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

my daughter, my torturer

January 1 may have been the first day of 2006 but the new year officially begins around here today: mrs nice guy has returned to work after two glorious weeks at home.

for two glorious weeks, i have had the company of my bride. we have been a complete family. we bonded for two glorious weeks.

for two glorious weeks i was not left alone with the baby once.

for two glorious weeks -- thanks to my wife, our friends and extended family -- i have only had to be an alert father for a sum total of 8 minutes. it takes a village indeed!

for two glorious weeks i watched in horror as my child became increasingly more alert. she gets EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED extremely quickly because she wants to MOVE. she wants to walk and she is NOT HAPPY sitting still, which means the only way to keep her satisfied is to hold her little hands and hunch over her as she drunk-stumbles around the room. when you decide you need a break because it feels as though someone has slid eleven molten daggers into your spine, she will immediately and painfully let you know that she has not condoned this break. thankfully, for two glorious weeks i had that aforementioned village to help out.

no more.

mrs nice guy has returned to work. i am home alone with my nemesis -- She Who Refuses to Sit Still Even Though She Cannot Move Unassisted. crawling does not interest her. she wants you to be her giant walking hunchback escort gimp. i know i may live to regret saying this, but: i cannot wait until she is independently mobile. i am cool with vigilance as long as i don't have to help this tiny lunatic walk any more. i mean, i have lost all feeling in my left leg. lucky for her she's so damn cute.

it's cold and rainy outside, so we are trapped in our tiny apartment. as i type this, the baby naps. but i live in dread should she awake. because the exersaucer has lost its charm ... the bouncy chair is not an option. she will look at me and say "MUSH, DOGMAN!"

she will want to walk around. and around. and around. and i have no one left here to help me.

i am so very afraid.


Blogger chelsyliz said...

MNG it sounds like you need to assemble a pulley system that runs along ceiling of said apartment to help little nice guy in her attempts to be upwardly mobile.

get a couple little straps under her arms and hoist her little ars off the ground enough for her to stumble around...i dont think it crosses any child protection rules...and it might help your gimped out back! :) best of luck sir.

1/03/2006 10:04 AM  
Anonymous lil said...

Walk-er. WALKER! They don't mess up babies legs. My two children were much happier pushing themselves around, backward though they be.

1/03/2006 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Ines said...

Mr. Nice Guy
Recently found your blog and I love it... I have a soon to be seven month old little boy and I can sympathize... Good luck. I'll keep reading to see what other readers suggest... A walker sounds good, but like you, we also live in a tiny apartment in Queens! We have run out of baby real estate.

1/03/2006 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe I'm delurking to leave this assvice, but... my friend with a baby of similar temperament had great success with a hula hoop-- baby holds the bottom, you hold the top. You still need to follow her around, but at least you're upright. cheers!

1/03/2006 10:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha! That's one funny post! And you love your baby so much, don't you?
I stumbled upon your blog by accident...well,maybe. I always read Waiterrant actually. And I tried to read other blogs in his lists, and I just don't know where I get to find your blog from. Anyway, since I like this post, I'd like to try to read other previous posts as well ^_^
Have a Happy New Year!

1/03/2006 10:52 AM  
Anonymous laurie said...

i am pleased to offer you my friend eric's invention to ease the pain of Toddler Parent Hunchback Syndrome (TPHS): two 1/2" dowels, the right length to allow you to stand upright, smoothly sanded to prevent splinters in baby nice guy's hands.

with one of my twins this stage lasted 3 months before she granted me permission to stand upright again. good luck to you and all the other nice guys.

1/03/2006 11:27 AM  
Blogger just_impaired said...

Another option: the walk o-long.
My kid's been demanding this treatment since she was 4 months old.

1/03/2006 12:45 PM  
Blogger Hostile in Ohio said...

Well, for a few hours a day, I gave my poor aching back a break and let little man use the walker. It was the best investment ever made in our home. I wouldn't leave a child in it ALL DAY, but I wouldn't leave a child in any one item all day either. Best of luck.

1/03/2006 1:44 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

For a wonderful, fleeting moment, I thought you had linked to a picture of BNG. Alas, it was a just a link to the Times. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to keep imagining how cute she really is.

1/03/2006 7:44 PM  
Blogger JustLinda said...

hahah Great post, just found your blog.

The funny thing is that all of her livelong life she will have various and assorted ways of saying "Mush, old man!" and you, of course, will snap to and mush. Whether by chauffering her or doling out the coin or who knows. They keep us on pretty short leashes all their lives. hahah But at least your back won't hurt anymore, right? ;)

1/05/2006 10:59 AM  
Blogger KDunk said...

mush dogman - ha

1/05/2006 1:24 PM  

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