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Thursday, December 08, 2005

to know me is to know my musk!

i apologize for the lack of activity around here. our home computer has died. sadly. i miss it. all my music, gone. all the pictures of my baby, no more. but most of all, all my music. gone! mrs nice guy's office IT team has had our computer for the past week and they apparently have no alternative but to erase the whole thing and rebuild it from zero. i hate my life.

so you'll excuse me for not updating every 2 minutes. i am currently writing this on my darling bride's work laptop, which, i have been warned, will give my fingers a little 293 volt shock every time i type the word "cunt." ow! fuck! OUCH!

no news to report here. i will say this: mr nice guy has a new deodorant! before i tell you what it is, here's a little background: in high school i went through a Mr Natural phase wherein i used only deodorant that contained no aluminum, because i read somewhere that aluminum causes alzheimer's. seeing as how 31 flavors of dementia course through my DNA, i wanted be as proactive as possible in staving off senility. but the very fact that i could never remember where i read that fact about aluminum causing alzheimer's should have been clue number one that it was ALREADY TOO LATE.

anyway, look at the ingredients of your favorite deodorant: i will bet you my first born's left hand that it includes aluminum. apparently aluminum is the active ingredient in deodorant. don't believe me? try buying a brand that doesn't include aluminum. you'll smell like Hobo Jones McCrackhead in about three hours. how do i know this? because i wore deodorant without aluminum in it for YEARS! if my 30 year old self could talk to my 19 year old self, he would have a few things to say. for instance: lighten up, have a drink, easy with the blow dryer and BUY SOME REAL DEODORANT.

of course, it probably didn't help that i didn't shower all that often.

so fast forward to today, my inchoate 30s. now look here, mr nice guy has some ridiculously high levels of testosterone coursing through his system. he cannot help but emit a powerfully sensual musk. all the ladies want a slice of my pie. since those long-past dark and smelly days, i have been using aluminum-based deodorants. i may not shower every day, but you can be damn sure that my pits are perpetually plastered with a thick, crumbling chalky white residue. heavy on the aluminum. i have learned my lesson.

but to this day i have not found my brand. how do you men choose a deodorant? i feel like everyone i know was just born using whatever deodorant they use today. not me though. i need to find a brand: old spice is too old and spicy; right guard is too ninth grade locker roomy. one day i thought i had stumbled on one: SURE, outdoor fresh! and the tag line just oozed that sense of confidence i wanted: raise your hand if you're SURE! i wanted to be sure! bonus: it smelled good and it made me smell good! so i made a commitment. before long, i found that i no longer sweat great circular stains into my shirts' underarms. people would have conversations with me that lasted longer than 8 words. it was a perfect match!

and then. on the day before thanksgiving, i bought SURE, outdoor fresh scent, without realizing that i had purchased the "soft solid" version. just as we were preparing to leave for the airport, i grabbed the new deodorant and began applying it liberally to my stinkdips. before long i realized something was dreadfully wrong. this was not the SURE i knew and loved. the deodorant went on slimy and wet. it was slithery to the touch. not chalky at all! surely it was still the same SURE, right? pressed for time, i shrugged the new "soft solid" gimmick off to modernity and went on my trip.

somewhere around the third hour of our flight, i reached over my wife to grab something from my bag, just on the other side of her lap. an apple or something. i settled back into my seat, about to bite into the delicious honeycrisp when she looked at me. she leaned into me. since her headphones were on she did not realize i was perfectly able to hear her. so she scrunched up her nose and said at about 5007 decibels: DID YOU PUT ON ANY DEODORANT THIS MORNING?

suddenly the whole plane seemed interested to know the answer to this question. because, you see, the whole plane was, unlike my wife, not wearing headphones and had therefore HEARD this question. what could i say? YES, i had put on deodorant. but at the precise moment she asked the question, i realized that this newfangled slimy "soft solid" deodorant had utterly failed me. a peaty steam reminiscent of moss, mushrooms and meatloaf billowed forth from my torso. it smelled like a small rodent had died in my shirt. not so SURE after all, eh mr nice guy? more soft than solid, it would seem.

so the next morning i did what any sensible redblooded american male would do: i put on my wife's deodorant.

dudes. guys, MEN. let me tell you something: the women are hiding a wonderful thing from us! "ph balanced for a man but made for a woman," they say? PHOOEY! that's just code for "na na na-na na, you caaan't have this!" they're taunting us! look, women's underarms always smell good enough to eat. why can't we have it that way as well? men! listen to me, for i am the jackie robinson of armpits. why must we always give off the scent of boars in heat? i have been wearing my wife's deodorant every day since thanksgiving and you know what? the world has begun to look, well, different to me somehow. the sky is bluer, the birdsong is truer. i get whistled at by men on the street. there is magic everywhere! and i smell lovely! all the time! this is wonderful!

and, yeah, maybe it has a little aluminum in it. but you know what? dementia never smelled sweeter.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahh, you are on to the "secret", and non too soon, so it would seem.

12/09/2005 12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

try Mitchum
it's "so effective you could skip a day".... :)


12/09/2005 4:02 AM  
Blogger Mary P. said...

My 12-year-old daughter is reading over my shoulder.

"Why is someone writing about their deodoarant?" she asks, and a reasonable enough question it is, too.

"Because he has [snicker] nothing else to [snort] write about, but that's okay, because it's [gasp] funny!"


12/09/2005 8:18 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

I was gonna suggest the women's stink-no-more solution, but I'm so glad you came to it on your own.

*Embrace* your feminine side!

12/09/2005 11:25 AM  
Blogger Betina said...

sorry about losing the pictures. That totally sucks.

12/09/2005 12:42 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

You should try out some Summer's Eve freshening spray too...

12/09/2005 1:42 PM  
Anonymous said...

I got my dad hooked on Secr*t unscented roll-on while I was in HS on a bet. He still uses it 18 years later. It wears like iron. Wish they had something like it for his breath...roll-on altoids are still in beta testing.

12/09/2005 2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell us, what scent have you taken from the wife ?

12/09/2005 3:20 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

you can even make deodorant funny. you rock.

12/09/2005 4:40 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

fuckin' A, my 120GB hard drive full of music just sits there clicking. I went to retrieve some from it the other day and the computer won't recognize it. I spent DAYS back in 2001 downloading some of that stuff. and now it's all just click click click.

12/09/2005 6:16 PM  
Blogger birthfree said...

I'm so sorry you lost the pictures, I'd cry. Do get a hard drive with next computer - I think it will save your sanity... oh wait, never mind, you're into the aluminum.

You are so blessed hilarious to make deodorant beyond amusing... I was snorting reading - my honey uses my deodorant at times too. I went through a 'deodorant rock' time too - and alas, I am allergic to the aluminum so I am just a deodorant gal now (vs. antipersperant) - but regardless, it's all better than the rock.

12/10/2005 2:26 AM  
Anonymous robin said...

thats funny, i use dude's deodorant so i only have to use it like every third day. but deodorant is kind of like conditioner, or alcohol. you build a tolerance up for it and then you have to take up a new brand or flavor.

i'm sorry you didn't put the word out on your 'puter earlier. next time you were up in vermont you could have had my very own hard-drive-retriever-master take a crack at it. he has succeeded where others have failed, not that mrs niceguy's it department isn't up to snuff. alas, has it been erased now?

12/10/2005 12:56 PM  
Anonymous CroutonBoy said...

What man actually uses that slimey deoderant. It's horrifying, and I don't understand who generates the demand.

BTW, it's all about the external drive...time to invest. Let me know if I can help...I'm in Brooklyn and have a ton of music that would love another home....

12/10/2005 11:10 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

You crack me up!

I must admit, however, that being a woman, and not being one with that inate musky skank, (thank goodness), I, um, have been quite happy with Tom's of Maine unscented for about 20+ years.....


12/13/2005 10:41 PM  
Anonymous elisabeth said...


12/14/2005 12:58 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

I'm paranoid about my pictures and music, so I back it all up regularly... I have my 60GB of music backed up three times, on an external hard drive, on 20 DVDs, and on my iPod, because if I lost my tunes I'd have to drive into the lake or something.

I'm putting all the good kid photos onto storage sites like Flickr and Snapfish for extra back-up!

12/14/2005 4:13 AM  
Anonymous Wood said...

I have nothing to contribute here except that this was a very, very funny post.

12/15/2005 1:35 PM  
Anonymous Ed Bacchus said...

I suffer from the same problem. I also can only use deodorant that has no aluminum. Old Spice just came out with some new formulas and scents. I use the active sport right now, but you will find that when they change the formula on you, it causes you to change scents and products often. I will try the secret you mentioned.

12/22/2005 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I'm cackling as I hold my 1-month old. Hey, if you like ladies' underarm deodorant, I've got three letters for you: FDS.

2/10/2006 5:11 PM  
Anonymous Deodorant without Aluminum said...

use natural deodorant than chemical deodorant. :)

9/23/2012 9:51 AM  

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