thanksgiving post script: a modest proposal (that does not involve eating babies but rather many winged creatures and some that are not so winged)

peekaboo, little birdie! who's inside of you?

friends. if you are at all like me you are completely obsessed with the idea of the turducken, even though you have never actually been afforded the opportunity of eating one. a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey! whoever first dreamed up this voltron-of-the-birds clearly deserves a nobel peace prize!

ah turducken, High Priest of Poultry, you are truly awesome. nobody doubts that you are the mightiest of all winged feasts. you are fowl at fever pitch, the plucked embodiment of a boneless consumer culture gone mad!

AND YET.

turbulent times call for flying at higher altitudes! surely we can do better! i mean, how long has it been since i first heard of you, turducken? a half dozen years? a dozen? and in that time has there been no improvement on you? for shame! do you think you are above betterment, turducken? did the Magna Canarda not stipulate that no bird is above the law? if we cannot better the turducken then, truly, the terrorists have won.

here's what i am getting at: why stop at turkey, duck and chicken? why not squeeze another bird in there? why not a game hen? why not a quail? WHY NOT BOTH?

ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to suggest stuffing the turducken with a hen and a quail. let me be the one to introduce into our lexicon the ...

Turduckenenail

but is that the best we can do? surely there is room for improvement. let me take my cue from yet another bird -- the funnel-stuffed-and-liver-fattened goose. like our friend the foie gras factory, i am pretty sure we can get a little more in there. i think we can squeeze in a swan. don't you? i thought so. next year let's roast a nice ...

Turswaduckenenail

but this is, after all, AMERICA, is it not? this is where we strive for bigger, grander, greater, stronger and fatter. why not take the whole turswaduckenenail and shove it right inside a big ol' ostrich? that's right. i call dibs on the ...

Ostrurswaduckenenail

oh i can go on, but i won't. what's that? you want me to go on? ok, i will. how about we take our creation and squeeze the whole Frankenbird right inside a different sort of animal? i am running out of large birds and the joke is becoming less funny by the second ... but aren't we leaving someone out? think. of course! we forgot the queen of all meats, that beautiful bovine who keeps us in burgers. that's right. i challenge you to find me an oven big enough to cook a ...

Cowostrurswaduckenenail

we could, if we wanted to, go hunting where the deer and the antelope play. you know what i'm getting at: oh give me a home where the Buffacowostrurswaduckenenail roam.

but then now we're starting to get silly, aren't we? you don't think this is funny anymore, do you?




TOO BAD!

anyone hungry for a

Girbuffacowostrurswaduckenenail?

hah! ok, i'll stop now ...






... i'll stop, that is, right after i finish my slice of

Elephagirbuffacowostrurswaduckenenail!

HAHAH! and i've got more! i can keep this up for hours! HEY! where are you going?! come back! ... i'll stop. i ... i promise.

please come back ... i'll be good.