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Monday, November 28, 2005

thanksgiving post script: a modest proposal (that does not involve eating babies but rather many winged creatures and some that are not so winged)

peekaboo, little birdie! who's inside of you?

friends. if you are at all like me you are completely obsessed with the idea of the turducken, even though you have never actually been afforded the opportunity of eating one. a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey! whoever first dreamed up this voltron-of-the-birds clearly deserves a nobel peace prize!

ah turducken, High Priest of Poultry, you are truly awesome. nobody doubts that you are the mightiest of all winged feasts. you are fowl at fever pitch, the plucked embodiment of a boneless consumer culture gone mad!


turbulent times call for flying at higher altitudes! surely we can do better! i mean, how long has it been since i first heard of you, turducken? a half dozen years? a dozen? and in that time has there been no improvement on you? for shame! do you think you are above betterment, turducken? did the Magna Canarda not stipulate that no bird is above the law? if we cannot better the turducken then, truly, the terrorists have won.

here's what i am getting at: why stop at turkey, duck and chicken? why not squeeze another bird in there? why not a game hen? why not a quail? WHY NOT BOTH?

ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to suggest stuffing the turducken with a hen and a quail. let me be the one to introduce into our lexicon the ...

but is that the best we can do? surely there is room for improvement. let me take my cue from yet another bird -- the funnel-stuffed-and-liver-fattened goose. like our friend the foie gras factory, i am pretty sure we can get a little more in there. i think we can squeeze in a swan. don't you? i thought so. next year let's roast a nice ...


but this is, after all, AMERICA, is it not? this is where we strive for bigger, grander, greater, stronger and fatter. why not take the whole turswaduckenenail and shove it right inside a big ol' ostrich? that's right. i call dibs on the ...


oh i can go on, but i won't. what's that? you want me to go on? ok, i will. how about we take our creation and squeeze the whole Frankenbird right inside a different sort of animal? i am running out of large birds and the joke is becoming less funny by the second ... but aren't we leaving someone out? think. of course! we forgot the queen of all meats, that beautiful bovine who keeps us in burgers. that's right. i challenge you to find me an oven big enough to cook a ...


we could, if we wanted to, go hunting where the deer and the antelope play. you know what i'm getting at: oh give me a home where the Buffacowostrurswaduckenenail roam.

but then now we're starting to get silly, aren't we? you don't think this is funny anymore, do you?


anyone hungry for a


hah! ok, i'll stop now ...

... i'll stop, that is, right after i finish my slice of

HAHAH! and i've got more! i can keep this up for hours! HEY! where are you going?! come back! ... i'll stop. i ... i promise.
please come back ... i'll be good.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've had turducken (in Bethlehem at christmas no less) and IT WAS GOOODDD. More meat could only make it better.

11/28/2005 10:12 PM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

truly insane, and I am still laughing

11/28/2005 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're gonna do great when it comes time to sing "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly" to baby nice guy. Good practice.

11/28/2005 11:26 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

I am so NEVER eating dinner at your house ;-)

11/29/2005 2:51 AM  
Blogger Emma said...

The idea comes from medieval England, or possibly the Romans, who started with a swan and ended with a wren... I can't imagine the horrors involved with creating it though.

I'm sure if they'd thought of the Elephagirbuffacowostrurswaduckenenail they would have had a go at that too.

11/29/2005 4:34 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

The whole thing just grosses me out to no end, but it is kinda fascinating in a "Oh look! A horrible fifty car pileup that I cannot help but gaze upon" way.

11/29/2005 9:21 AM  
Blogger dewey said...

i blame John Madden.

11/29/2005 1:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, there had been improvement on the turducken.

11/29/2005 4:54 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

You slay me!

11/29/2005 5:13 PM  
Anonymous ames said...

Always catch up on your blog, and find I am compelled to delurk to announce a pre-Thankgiving e-mail link I received. Note lovely additional recipe at the bottom of the page along with the festive Turducken holiday jingle.

11/29/2005 5:17 PM  
Anonymous lil said...

I had Turducken the day before thanksgiving this year. It seems to be the "it" bird for the season. I don't know, I could take it or leave it. I'd much rather have a buffalo stuffed with a cow barbequed under dirt over hot rocks for three days. That's holiday eatin.

11/29/2005 8:51 PM  
Blogger Betina said...

You are so dependable! A good laugh can always be found here. I think for the sake of political correcntess, however, you should find a way to make the whole thing from tofu... haven't you heard of tofurkey? Mmmmm.

11/30/2005 12:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Huh-huh, he said 'turd'...

12/01/2005 2:10 AM  

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