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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

why holidays are so often high

it's cold here. dropped below freezing. what am i supposed to do all day long? what is one supposed to do when it's too cold to take your 7-month-old outdoors and you don't have cable and your external hard drive is dead so you have no more music and your computer is riddled with viruses so it accesses the interweb only at a geologic pace leaving you stranded and alone in your own home with a cranky baby in a not-very-heated apartment because the developer cut little corners like, oh, INSULATION and you have no friends and are therefore slowly going totally insane? WHAT DOES ONE DO?

the peak of the week so far was therefore dragging the baby from brooklyn to ass-nowhere upper east side. we went to see the hemangioma surgeon on monday. he is so fancy that he takes no insurance and therefore we paid him $300 to tell us what we already know: he could operate to remove the growth. or not. up to us. we could wait to see if it resolves on its own since it's responding well to laser treatment. or he could go in there and cut it out at 12 or 18 months. yes, well, thanks. we knew that. so i guess we'll revisit the issue at her first birthday party. if i live that long.

the baby turned seven months old officially on monday. lucky seven. she's sleeping through the night again; we've reached a detente in the Nap Wars. she's eating solids like a champ. she sits up. she has teeth on top and on bottom and, to her mother's delight, routinely mistakes nipples for bubble gum. she shows no interest in crawling, she wants to WALK.

we went to a little holiday party over the weekend hosted by some mom in mrs nice guy's neighborhood mom's group. to my unceasing astonishment, i find i truly relish going to kids' parties. they're more fun than parties attended solely by adults -- mostly because i hate my peers, enjoy children and love alcohol. so any occasion for sanctioned drinking with kiddies is high on my to-do list. happy holidays! my life is so tiny and pathetic now that when one of the moms remarked that our baby is hitting all her milestones earlier than the other babies i thought to myself DAMN STRAIGHT. SHE CAN KICK YOUR BABY'S ASS.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is an indoor activity for you and baby nice guy to partake in....chemistry!!! You can set up your own moonshine brewing facility in the comfort of your own home. Not only will it instill a love for science in baby nice guy, but you get to reap in the rewards. Problem solved.

12/14/2005 10:22 AM  
Anonymous chelsea said...

"mostly because i hate my peers, enjoy children and love alcohol." thats a Worthy Quotable that really speaks to me...might become one of my favorite quotes for the week...sad but true.

good luck in the frozen tundra MNG.

12/14/2005 11:32 AM  
Blogger Alexis said...

I have to tell you - the enjoying children and alcohol thing is riging some Jesus Juice bells. . . .

As I think I have said to 100 people already this week - it really IS going to get better - just hit a discount liquor store, grease up the baby's gums with Jaeger, and you'll both be warm and calm.

Oh, Holy Night.

12/14/2005 12:30 PM  
Blogger just_impaired said...

i too hate my peers, love my kid-- we have yet to encounter any others-- and wish i could cultivate a better appreciation for alcohol, but my tolerance level leaves much to be desired. every drop of fluid flees my body like a stadium at a Scottish soccer game. my mouth goes all Sahara and I can literally feel my eyeballs clang together as my brain cells dehydrate. you're lucky. at least you have a hobby

12/14/2005 2:24 PM  
Anonymous heather said...

you do know that you have made the cardinal mistake of parenthood; naming your child's positive accomplishments. as soon as you speak them aloud, the child makes a lying sucker out of you. good news is that it seems to work for the negative ones too. so here's hoping baby nice guy continues to sleep peacefully.

12/14/2005 4:55 PM  
Anonymous kate of salt lake said...

what do you do? you get on an airplane and come to salt lake! We're brewing another batch of beer and it should be ready by the time you get here. Plus our wireless is up and running and it's always beer-thirty.

Hang in there!

12/14/2005 8:07 PM  
Anonymous robin said...

right heather, your "method" sure worked well for the red sox this year. speaking of which i'd like to semi-publicly announce that this heather-commenter on this here mr nice guy's site single handedly started the 2nd curse when promising to name her baby boy after the 2004 mlb mvp. ian? wasn't that the mvp's name? i didn't think so...

12/14/2005 10:06 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

egads, alexis, you're right! reading this post a day later, i definitely get an Uncle Pervy vibe.

12/15/2005 8:45 PM  

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