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Monday, January 09, 2006

some awesome baby stuff i have seen

hello gang. now that i am a veteran father with nearly eight whole months under my dadbelt, i feel i can speak with some authority on certain topics. sure, i can wax poetic on sleep, poo, cuteness, and so on. but i have bigger fish to fry. like, for example: man, there is some weird-ass baby paraphernalia out there.

here are four of the awesomer items of baby swag i have noticed in the past month alone. i have immortalized them in digital images for all time ... or until i erase my photo card, whichever comes first. let's get started:

wtf?! "colonia infantil?" baby cologne?? allow me to break down the insidious state of mind that is parenthood: i saw this on the shelf at my local pharmacy. first i laughed, of course. then something began gnawing at me. maybe my baby needs cologne. is she the stinky kid at the mom's group? would she be getting more baby action if she splashed a drop or two of "para mi bebe" behind her wee little ears? but then i worried. perhaps this is a gateway scent. first this, then spanish fly! oh no! are male babies wearing this? should i be concerned that some odoriferous junior Lothario is going to seduce my unscented and unsuspecting infant?

let's ignore, for now, the "Gigglastic" waistband. i think if you looked deep down inside yourself, you would admit that your own life would be less of a hopeless morass of nauseating despair and unceasing ennui if only you had a Gigglastic waistband. i know i sure could use one. so, that's not what grabbed my eye. no. it was the "baby-shaped fit." explain something to me, Huggies executives of the world: why? why is this printed on your product? was there some concern that parents would see the Huggies box in the store and not buy it because they suspected your diapers might be "donkey-shaped fit?"

first of all, harnesses are funny. they just are. second, i think that we can all agree that elmo is the incarnation of evil. he is a satan-red pied piper, luring our children away from us with his mangled syntax. his voice is set at a frequency that simultaneously brainwashes babies and renders parents paralyzed and insane. but the kids, they love him! so imagine your child's raw horror when you strap on a short-leash harness "for peace of mind in busy places" (oh, if only it were that easy). she looks up at you with big wet bambi eyes. why, she implores, are you putting a leash on me like a scurrilous dog?! and then the coup de grace ... she sees the demonic grin of her beloved muppet etched into the very instrument of her torture. right before she blacks out, she mutters just under her breath: et tu, elmo?


now what kind of message is this supposed to send anyway? i mean, honestly.


Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

Ok, I laughed all the way through this one. Great observations, MNG!

1/09/2006 1:20 PM  
Anonymous ames said...

I used to work at the Met and would see those leash babies on occasion which bizarre, but never with Elmo. Lovely to see he has cornered the baby leash market. Then again, he operates when someone shoves their hand up his nether regions, so it seems he's seeking revenge.

1/09/2006 1:31 PM  
Blogger Alexis said...

Oh. My. God.

You are STILL the funniest man alive.


1/09/2006 3:36 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

I hate leashes on kids, so very much. For crying out loud, people, just *watch* the kid.

(That said by a woman who briefly lost her child in a beer garden in Germany. What?)

1/09/2006 6:03 PM  
Anonymous Jujubee said...

"et tu, elmo?"

I love it.

1/09/2006 6:41 PM  
Blogger Neal said...

OK, we've thought about using the Elmo part because Sophie has this tendency to dash out the door when the subway stops, and besides..she loves wearing the Elmo.

The downside is the inevitable therapy bills we'll have to pay.

So, we haven't done it, and instead settled on tattooing her name and address on her. OK, not really.

1/09/2006 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to hate those leashes until I spent an afternoon helping my aunty with her grocery shopping accompanied by her 2 year old triplets. Then they became priceless.

Awesome post Mr. Nice Guy.

1/09/2006 11:50 PM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

I'm STILL laughing! You are absolutely hilarious!

1/10/2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger nancytoby said...

Oooh, I *need* that leash! Well, actually, I need two.

The Mommy is a pig thing, well, probably that's justification enough for never letting my kids learn to read.

1/11/2006 11:28 AM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

I came back for another laugh. You are absolutely hilarious!

1/12/2006 1:28 AM  
Blogger Grace said...

et elmo?!!!!!!!!!!!! actually laughing out loud- ahhhhh

1/14/2006 11:51 AM  
Anonymous pink said...

no way dude. i cannot look at that "my mommy is a pig" picture without bustin out loud laughing. that is the funniest thing i've seen in awhile. i posted it on my site with a link back-atcha. too too funny.

oh yeah, 1st time commentor (delurking)on your site. fabulous!

1/15/2006 9:21 PM  

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