some awesome baby stuff i have seen

hello gang. now that i am a veteran father with nearly eight whole months under my dadbelt, i feel i can speak with some authority on certain topics. sure, i can wax poetic on sleep, poo, cuteness, and so on. but i have bigger fish to fry. like, for example: man, there is some weird-ass baby paraphernalia out there.

here are four of the awesomer items of baby swag i have noticed in the past month alone. i have immortalized them in digital images for all time ... or until i erase my photo card, whichever comes first. let's get started:

wtf?! "colonia infantil?" baby cologne?? allow me to break down the insidious state of mind that is parenthood: i saw this on the shelf at my local pharmacy. first i laughed, of course. then something began gnawing at me. maybe my baby needs cologne. is she the stinky kid at the mom's group? would she be getting more baby action if she splashed a drop or two of "para mi bebe" behind her wee little ears? but then i worried. perhaps this is a gateway scent. first this, then spanish fly! oh no! are male babies wearing this? should i be concerned that some odoriferous junior Lothario is going to seduce my unscented and unsuspecting infant?


let's ignore, for now, the "Gigglastic" waistband. i think if you looked deep down inside yourself, you would admit that your own life would be less of a hopeless morass of nauseating despair and unceasing ennui if only you had a Gigglastic waistband. i know i sure could use one. so, that's not what grabbed my eye. no. it was the "baby-shaped fit." explain something to me, Huggies executives of the world: why? why is this printed on your product? was there some concern that parents would see the Huggies box in the store and not buy it because they suspected your diapers might be "donkey-shaped fit?"


first of all, harnesses are funny. they just are. second, i think that we can all agree that elmo is the incarnation of evil. he is a satan-red pied piper, luring our children away from us with his mangled syntax. his voice is set at a frequency that simultaneously brainwashes babies and renders parents paralyzed and insane. but the kids, they love him! so imagine your child's raw horror when you strap on a short-leash harness "for peace of mind in busy places" (oh, if only it were that easy). she looks up at you with big wet bambi eyes. why, she implores, are you putting a leash on me like a scurrilous dog?! and then the coup de grace ... she sees the demonic grin of her beloved muppet etched into the very instrument of her torture. right before she blacks out, she mutters just under her breath: et tu, elmo?

finally:

now what kind of message is this supposed to send anyway? i mean, honestly.