NEW! from the country that brought you Oliver Cromwell, the Young Ones, the Sex Pistols, Monty Python, football hooligans, modern Iraq, Richard Branson, AbFab, Scary Spice, jingoism and Ali G ... the next logical offering: a "respect agenda!"
the cornerstone of this respect agenda? why, of course, it's tony blair's proposal to help parents keep the young'uns in line: a NATIONAL PARENTING ACADEMY!
why do the brits get all the awesomest stuff? can't we have one of these? sure it smells a little Big Brotherlicious, but just think of the possibilities. here are some classes i'd like to take if the US of A ever got its own National Parenting Academy (a girl can dream, right?):
- Biology: "Don't Touch That, You'll Go Blind"
- Logic: Remedial "Because I Said So"
- Psych: Having a Healthy Fear of Your Own Children
- Music: Advanced Atonal Shrieking
- Phys Ed: Non-stop Cardio For 13 Solid Hours Starting at 5:30 am
- Home Ec: "If You Want to Put Ketchup on Your Cereal, Put Ketchup on Your Cereal. See if I Care."
- Sex Ed: Do You Really Think You're Ever Having Sex Again? (Pass/Fail)
- Economics: Your Retirement or Your Child's Education: You Can Afford One But Not Both
- Chemistry: "Please Don't Drink the Drano, Please"
- Art History: Your Six-Month Old Might Have Been Able to Paint That, But Jackson Pollock Thought of it First so That's Why He Got Rich and Famous and You Won't
- Religion: "Jesus Christ! What the Hell Were You Thinking?!"
- Sociology: The Childless Hate You
on second thought, i was always a lousy student. with my grades, i'd probably never get into the National Parenting Academy. i'd have to go to City College Parenting Annex, take extension courses or something. i'd fail the finals and never get my master's of parenting. they'd probably take my daughter away from me! oh no! this whole thing is a terrible idea!
damn you, tony blair!