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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

how to choose a doctor in new york city

as i have mentioned here vaguely in the past, i need knee surgery. this is a long, boring story, so i will keep it as brief as possible: it looks like they're going to cut daddy open on february 6.

basically after 15 years of accumulated injuries, operations and wear 'n' tear, i need THREE surgeries on my left knee all AT ONE TIME:

  1. i need a slab of torn meniscus repaired on the lateral (outside) side of the knee.
  2. i need a fresh, new anonymous dead-guy's meniscus implanted on the medial (inside) side, which has been missing its meniscus for 10 years.
  3. before #2 happens, they need to hack away a chunk of bone to make room for the anonymous dead guy's meniscus. you see: since there has been no meniscus there for ten years, the gap between the bones on that side have closed. so the top of my tibia and the bottom of my femur are now grinding up against each other, doing the forbidden dance (a condition known both as "arthritis" and "HOLY FUCK MY COCKSUCKING KNEE HURTS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME").
so, yeah they are going to slice and dice my poor leg. i won't be able to walk for about two months. i don't know how often i'll be able to update this site, but you can rest assured i will have a few things to say about being a stay-at-home dad to a nine-month-old lunatic speed freak -- while on crutches.

it took me many months to find the right doctor. once you're talking to a certain caliber of surgeon, you're almost splitting hairs when it comes to choosing which guy is the best for the job. before long, i had it narrowed down to three. these guys are all top notch. so what's a mr nice guy to do? let's be honest, there was one time-honored criterion i felt most comfortable in using to select the right surgeon for me. i wanted the handsomest son of a bitch i could find.

nurse! let's see the candidates:

this guy has been in the game for years. he's got tons of experience -- been practicing at new york's elite Hospital for Special Surgery since 1982. he's a pioneering knee surgeon. he specializes in and delivers lectures on precisely the kind of surgery i need. but, come on! i mean, look at that beard, the posture, those hunched shoulders! i'm sorry to say, Dr. Trog just wasn't handsome enough.

this guy was by far the nicest doctor of the three. charming, thoughtful, willing to go the extra mile. even his staff was great -- they pulled some strings to get my MRI expedited. more importantly: he's very good looking. the picture really doesn't do him justice. he's boyishly handsome ... perhaps a little too boyish. look at that foppish mop. kind of too pretty, don't you think? definitely not rugged enough, Dr. Fop. next!

HOLY MOTHER OF ZEUS! now we're talkin'. look at those chiseled features! look at a that chin! the cropped hair! the cocksure smile! now this is one handsome son of a bitch. i mean, check out that jawline. i swear to god when he operates on my knee he's not going to need a scalpel; he'll just cut into me with his razor-sharp jaw. you should have seen his hands: large, powerful, tan, sensitive. as you have probably guessed, those looks -- coupled with his mightily impressive CV -- landed this handsome son of a bitch the job. congratulations, Dr. Hot, i'll be seeing you in scrubs!


Anonymous Alison said...

that is the best looking surgeon i've seen in years!! hubba hubba
my husband just had lateral meniscal repair and a shaving of his patella for arthritis last friday. best of luck to you for a speedy recovery mng!

1/25/2006 2:16 PM  
Anonymous ames said...

My dermatologist looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones. It's just ridiculous.

Good luck with the knee, MNG!

1/25/2006 2:34 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

MNG, you are too funny!

1/25/2006 3:13 PM  
Anonymous marian said...

Don't do it! He's too tan and perfect-looking. Blech. No good can come of this. Go with doctor number ONE!

Also, I'm jealous, not because of Dr. Model, but because MY knee hurts all the goddam time too.

1/25/2006 6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'rw having knee surgery performed by Jeff Probst?

1/25/2006 6:52 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

No, no, no.

Don't go to the best looking of the three, because we all know the "beautiful people" get cleared in court of all charges cos they're beautiful.

Go with Grizzly Adams. You totally know that when the hotties were off gettin' tail in med school, he was learning the crap out of the meniscus.

1/25/2006 6:53 PM  
Anonymous kelly said...

OK I am going to give some unsolicited yourself a wheelchair for the recovery. It will make chasing toddler around easier than the crutches which you can still use, but with the chair you can slide from task to the idea past your doctor and see if he has a good reason for you to use crutches over a wheelchair. Explain the toddler part.

1/25/2006 9:28 PM  
Blogger dad on a wire said...

Is there a long waiting list for meniscus transplants?

1/26/2006 12:45 AM  
Blogger chelsyliz said...

being a survivor of multiple knee reconstructions i should've chosen a doc based solely on physical features...seems as valid as any other method! hot doc has my vote too!

1/26/2006 10:12 AM  
Blogger Dutch said...

fuck a wheelchair, get yourself a giant adult-sized jogging stroller for your wife to push you around the slope in.

oh, and when did you turn into the least slutty one of those sluts on that show about sluts in the city, you know, the one starring Matthew Broderick's beard?

I'm sure your mother will be so happy that you finally found a handsome doctor.

1/27/2006 1:56 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

whoa, dutch. what do you have against sluts? mmm, sluts.

1/27/2006 2:58 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

So why does it matter to a straight guy (I'm assuming, married and procreating as you are that you *are* straight) that your doc is hot?

1/29/2006 8:04 PM  

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