how to choose a doctor in new york city
basically after 15 years of accumulated injuries, operations and wear 'n' tear, i need THREE surgeries on my left knee all AT ONE TIME:
- i need a slab of torn meniscus repaired on the lateral (outside) side of the knee.
- i need a fresh, new anonymous dead-guy's meniscus implanted on the medial (inside) side, which has been missing its meniscus for 10 years.
- before #2 happens, they need to hack away a chunk of bone to make room for the anonymous dead guy's meniscus. you see: since there has been no meniscus there for ten years, the gap between the bones on that side have closed. so the top of my tibia and the bottom of my femur are now grinding up against each other, doing the forbidden dance (a condition known both as "arthritis" and "HOLY FUCK MY COCKSUCKING KNEE HURTS ALL THE GODDAMN TIME").
it took me many months to find the right doctor. once you're talking to a certain caliber of surgeon, you're almost splitting hairs when it comes to choosing which guy is the best for the job. before long, i had it narrowed down to three. these guys are all top notch. so what's a mr nice guy to do? let's be honest, there was one time-honored criterion i felt most comfortable in using to select the right surgeon for me. i wanted the handsomest son of a bitch i could find.
nurse! let's see the candidates:
this guy has been in the game for years. he's got tons of experience -- been practicing at new york's elite Hospital for Special Surgery since 1982. he's a pioneering knee surgeon. he specializes in and delivers lectures on precisely the kind of surgery i need. but, come on! i mean, look at that beard, the posture, those hunched shoulders! i'm sorry to say, Dr. Trog just wasn't handsome enough.
this guy was by far the nicest doctor of the three. charming, thoughtful, willing to go the extra mile. even his staff was great -- they pulled some strings to get my MRI expedited. more importantly: he's very good looking. the picture really doesn't do him justice. he's boyishly handsome ... perhaps a little too boyish. look at that foppish mop. kind of too pretty, don't you think? definitely not rugged enough, Dr. Fop. next!
HOLY MOTHER OF ZEUS! now we're talkin'. look at those chiseled features! look at a that chin! the cropped hair! the cocksure smile! now this is one handsome son of a bitch. i mean, check out that jawline. i swear to god when he operates on my knee he's not going to need a scalpel; he'll just cut into me with his razor-sharp jaw. you should have seen his hands: large, powerful, tan, sensitive. as you have probably guessed, those looks -- coupled with his mightily impressive CV -- landed this handsome son of a bitch the job. congratulations, Dr. Hot, i'll be seeing you in scrubs!