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Monday, January 30, 2006

profiles in parenting!

people often ask me for input, advice, opinions, bold stances on controversial topics, and it is with great care that i choose my answers. one question i often get is this: in your daily parenting, what father do you most attempt to emulate? who is your role model? what guru would a man like you -- a guru unto himself -- turn to in his own hour of darkness?

my friends, i will answer that question as i launch a new, possibly sporadically-recurring-unless-i-am-too-lazy-to-keep-it-up feature that i shall call PROFILES IN PARENTING!

i will die a happy man if i have been half the father to my daughter that
Damir Dokic has been to his.

the serbian father of young Jelena Dokic, middling women's tennis pro, "is seeking to kidnap his estranged daughter ... [and] says he wants to drop a nuclear bomb on Australia."

they have a word for this kind of behavior where i come from and that word is awesome.

but wait, there's more! according to another article, the screwy serb has threatened to take "retribution against Croatia and the Pope." he has also declined to attend the last US Open because he was disgusted by how little salmon they put on his plate in the players' cafeteria. oh ... and the reason he will likely decide against kidnapping his daughter (who decamped from her fatherland to play for the aussies)? he couldn't round up enough henchmen, because one of his buddies is waiting to be tried at the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague.

i repeat: in a word ... awesome.

i mean now we're talking: dropping nuclear bombs, threatening the pope, hiring your war criminal friends to kidnap your own daughter, crazy fish peeves. seriously y'all, THIS is precisely the kind of activity fatherhood should entail. changing diapers? psh! waking up at 5:30 every morning? tff! i want retribution against croatia, dammit! and a little more salmon.

Dokic (pictured above in full-throttle bonkers mode being "escorted" from wimbeldon in 2000, draped in the cross of st. george) is my idol in fatherhood because he takes very seriously his prerogative -- nay his obligation -- to embarrass his child. he takes the tired zealous tennis-dad cliche to staggering new heights. archetypal stage moms of the world, take note: this man has got you beat. he is a half-baked crazy cake with a loon cherry on top.

let me conclude with this key quote, a riddle for parents the world over to untangle:

"I'm not crazy ... they are the crazy ones who give you hot sausages before the match when it's 40 degrees Celsius outside."

they are the crazy ones indeed, Damir Dokic. struggle on, my brave slavic soldier!


Blogger chelsyliz said...

i am glad someones dedication to insuring their child's future in therapy has struck a cord deep in you to emulate MNG. best of luck sir.

1/31/2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger Candace said...

Oh my god, the indignity of HOT SAUSAGES in 40 degree Celsius weather.

WHAT is this world coming to?

1/31/2006 12:33 PM  
Anonymous Sorte Slyngel said...

Just to pick a nit, he's actually draped in the cross of St George, the flag of England.

The Serbian flag is three horizontal bands of blue, white and red. Click my name to see an image from the CIA fact book.

1/31/2006 2:09 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

thanks SS -- it's fixed now. no nit is too small to pick around here.

1/31/2006 3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Living in Melbourne, I have a friend who works in security for the Australian Open each year. Of all the crazy terrorists in the world, it's Mr Dokic who every security person must know by sight.

Re: the hot sausage thing, in an Aussie paper the other day it was suggested that we never let him into the country again since he obviously doesn't appreciate the great Australian tradition of the bbq. The next day they published about 10 letters supporting the idea. :)

2/01/2006 12:18 AM  
Blogger Wood said...

where does he get the money to do all this, I wonder.

2/01/2006 2:56 AM  

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