the formula for disgruntlement
i don't know why, but something about this illustration gives me some serious jeeblies. the baby is all fine and healthy when attached to the breast (a). but then! he takes a drag off the teat (b) and he turns into some kind of monsterbaby! i can't tell if it's the tit that's turning him into some hideous freak or if some alien pod within the baby is attacking the breast. see how the nipple is getting distorted and growing roots? is it attacking the poor child? or is an otherworldly emissary from deep within the demonchild assaulting mom? need better illustrations.
when the baby stops for a breather (c) everything returns to normal. the worst is behind. or so you think! check out (d)! the nipple web has spread! and look how calm the baby is. seems pleased with himself, don't you think? that's the giveaway right there. the podbaby has latched onto the mothership and is launching a full scale coup! bad baby!
i bring all this up because that illustration -- taken far enough out of context to give a leche leaguer a grand mal seizure -- is a fair metaphorical rendering of what has been happening inside of mrs nice guy's boobage. she's drying up. every feeding is a struggle -- baby wants more milk. mama wants to give it to her. baby doesn't get enough milk. mama feels guilty. baby bites mama's sensitive mamaparts with her razor-sharp rabbity teeth. mama throws baby against the wall. baby claws her way up mama's trembling body and begins gnawing at her jugular! ok, those last two aren't true.
and so we admit defeat. we are phasing in formula. mrs nice guy wanted to make it through a whole year without formula and then start with the cow's milk. but as you can see from the drawing above, the boobs lose.
i bought similac the other day. even in this neighborhood, i couldn't find organic hippy formula for infants (only toddlers). been mixing the formula with what little milk mrs nice guy is able to pump. here's how the first feeding went:
whispering announcer's voice: we have secretly replaced the baby's usual fine breast milk with
simulacrumsimilac crystals. will she notice the difference? let's watch with the aid of our hidden camera.
baby takes bottle. baby drinks about 2 ounces of her evil milk-similac-similkac hybrid. eyes widen. pushes bottle out of mouth. refuses to take any more.
so yeah. the baby, i think, is on to us. of course, things are complicated by the fact that the baby is sick. her little nose is plugged up like the northbound 405 in rush hour. she can't breathe while nursing. she can't breathe while sleeping. and yet, oddly, she can breathe while screaming. go figure.