an Rx for the good life

even though my knee surgery appears destined to never actually happen (damn you, vinnie three fingers and your incompetent hit man ways), this is a week rich in doctors. tomorrow: pediatrician visit. joy.

i also got a call from the internal medicine guy who gave me my physical last week. i needed to get a full check up to assure my knee surgeon that i wouldn't burst into flames mid-surgery or suddenly start levitating or whatever they're afraid of. i got the works: EKG, blood and urine samples, cholesterol and blood pressure checks. he asked me questions about my health history. all the good stuff.

and when i say "all the good stuff" you know what i'm getting at: the testicular exam. the good doctor pulled on some latex gloves and asked me to drop my boxers (my undershorts were patterned with mixed berries, how's that for fitting?). shrinkage, sadly, was in full effect. we studiously avoided eye contact as he spent some time kneading my nads

when i told mrs nice guy about this tender moment, she said: "you should have moaned softly and pressed into him." now you know why i married this woman.

anyway, he wanted to share with me the results of my bloodwork. it seems i am in EXCEPTIONAL good health. fit, good heart, nice low blood pressure, very low cholesterol. he did mention that my "good" cholesterol, my HDL level, was a little lower than he'd like it. so i said "so, what does that mean? eat more fish?"

he was all "well, there are three things you could do. you could take estrogen. i think we can rule that one out."

i was all "aw, come on doc. i'd love to experience the joys of breastfeeding my child before she's weaned."

he wisely ignored me and pressed on. "the other ways to raise your HDL levels are through exercise. and, oddly enough, alcohol."

"you mean i should drink more?"

"well, yes, in moderation."

i considered this a moment and said "i see."

"what do you see?"

"i see that you are the greatest doctor in the history of the world."