baby cries a lot, daddy dies a little
but, as the old saying goes, if it's not one thing it's sure as shit bound to be another. if your wife's milk supply is not drying up like death valley, then, well, here's the latest kick in the pants: then your child suddenly decides it no longer wants to sleep at night. ever.
our little angel has been sleeping through the night for a long time now. she has reliably slept from about 7 pm to 6 am for a few months, at least. naps have been a little less consistent, but not much to complain about. so imagine our dismay when, two nights ago, she started screaming at 10 pm. and nothing -- nothing -- we did could get her to stop. she howled till midnight. then she was up again for an hour at 2:30. then she was up for good at 5. we tried rubbing her back, nursing her, bribing her, sweet talking her, threatening her with unconscionable violence. all tactics failed.
we even asked her why she had decided to swap sleeptime for screamtime and this was her answer: WAAAUUUUfuckyouGGGGHHHHHH. for an hour. have you ever tried to scream for an hour? how the fuck does she do it? i can't even scream for five solid minutes without losing my voice and collapsing from exhaustion. she does her routine all night long! if i weren't so desperate, i'd be really freakin' impressed.
last night same deal. screaming. all night. when we weren't snapping at each other like turtles on pcp, mrs nice guy and i took cowardly refuge in each others' arms on the floor in the farthest corner from the baby's room. we wept too. today i am too tired to be despondent, terrified, angry, filled with murderous ire or even able to breathe properly. ok, i take that back: i'm actually not too tired to feel murderous. (aha, an idea! i am going to take Vinnie Three Fingers' job into my own trembling hands if this goes on one more night).
is she teething? maybe. she has seven teeth already though and none of them have done this to her. sick? don't think so. she had the sniffles for a week, which i actually gave to her. she's been over that for a few days and they only resulted in one truly evil night of aspirating and wailing anyway. growing pains? separation anxiety? ready to harvest the demon pod gestating within her unholy breast? all possible.
all i know is that i just got done having my own nagging whore of a cold for two long weeks -- coughing, sore throating, sniffling -- and have been feeling better. until this morning. after two nights spent listening to my daughter channel janet leigh in the shower, i woke up with a new sore throat.
and tonight of all nights we have special dinner plans. we are taking a friend to peter luger for his birthday to eat enough red meat to kill a small village. we have been looking forward to this evening for months. we have even hired another babysitter. but now? we don't want to go. too tired. also, it has been leaked to us that the baby has plans to scream from the time we leave for dinner until we return, rendering the sitter insane. we don't want the sitter to go insane. then we will be responsible for paying for the sitter's care in an asylum. we don't have that much money. i mean, we're going to need that cash for when it's time to check ourselves in.