the nanny diaries

and so it seems the good times will be coming to an end after all. i am scheduled to go back to work at the beginning of May. my wife brings home the bacon, which is all well and good, but somebody has to bring home the bacon bits. that somebody is me. since my office hours are Tues-Sat and my wife now has Thursdays off, we need someone to raise our kid three days a week. day care centers around here require that you pick your child up at 6, or else they will eat her. this is not an option.

we have begun looking for a nanny.

those of you with children know the dread invoked by the thought of leaving your child with a stranger. viscous, chewy terror. awful. we don't want to do this. but, alack, it must be done. so i have been prowling playgrounds, trying to spot good nannies. you know what? there are a lot of really good nannies out there. there are nannies who play with the kids, sing to them, teach them things, make them behave. this is reassuring.

there are also a lot of horrifying nannies out there. there are nannies who sit there and gab, gab, gab with their girlfriends while baby cries uncontrollably in the stroller. and there are nannies who are gruff, mean and nasty to their charges. i do not want this type of nanny.

so when i spot a good nanny, i ask them if they have any friends. then the nanny usually thinks i am proposing a three-way and hits me with an umbrella.

still, i am working the network: we have neighbors recommending people to us. we are calling long-lost friends with children. we are pumping information out of casual acquaintances who have cousins that recently had coffee with someone who sat on a plane next to a person who had a really good nanny that had a friend who was looking for work.

just today someone put a posting on the Park Slope Parents e-mail group (an awesome untapped comedy resource in itself) announcing that they had an excellent nanny who needed work three days a week. perfect! i called the nanny. the nanny did not pick up her cell phone. it went straight to voice mail. this is when things got questionable.

the nanny's outgoing voice mail message began with a familiar beat. i started tapping my toes, thinking "damn straight." then a familiar crooning falsetto chimed in: "and when i get that feeling, i want sexual healing." then i fully realized what was going on: people i shit you not, this nanny (who i remind you is actively looking for work) has a clip of marvin gaye all oiled up and singing "sexual healing" on her voice mail. for about 2 minutes. and that's it. no name, no "leave your message at the beep." nothing. just stone smooth marvin.

i am a little conflicted about this. part of me says: it would probably not be appropriate for my child's caregiver to have "sexual healing" as her outgoing message.

the other part of me says: awesome.

anyway. i called mrs nice guy to tell her this bit of news. her answer: "oh. she's totally hired."