the other night mrs nice guy went out on a mom's night on the town (with moms who actually stay home momming all day, so, technically, i should have been the one to get the mom's night out, but why split hairs, HUH, WHY?) . anyway, she gets home after i am all tucked in. i am in a blissful place: lights out, ipod humming, baby asleep. mrs nice guy returns from her evening out. she slips silently into bed beside me. she slides her arm across my rippling pectoral muscles. she gives me a warm kiss. too warm, in fact. a little chunky even. and, if my taste buds do not deceive me, chocolatey.
and then the full horror of the situation dawned on me: would you like to know what my wife did to me the other night? she came home late from brooklyn's seediest dens of gomorrah, still wobbly from her orgy of booze and whoredom, grabbed a few chocolate chips from the kitchen, chewed them up and, instead of swallowing them, pulled me back from the brink of blissful sleep to kiss REGURGITATED CHUNKY CHOCOLATE SALIVA BITS INTO MY MINTY FRESH MOUTH. why you might ask, like a rational human being. why would she do something so cruel to the man who tenderly cares for her first born? why, of course, because she thought it would be funny.
i have to hand it to her: impenetrable logic. still, if i had done this to her -- if i had woken her up in the dead of deadest night to french kiss half-chewed food into her mouth -- i would be sleeping on the balcony under flood lights and on fire for the rest of my life.
(true story, when i was 15 i had an eight-day-long summer camp fling with a cutie pants named holly. once, when she was just finishing a delicious belgian waffle, i asked if i could see what she tasted like -- cut me some slack, i was 15. she said "sure" and then french kissed chewed-up waffle bits into my mouth. i sulked for the rest of the summer.)
so that happened. and then this happened: yesterday at the tot lot my daughter bit me. hard. i was sitting on a bench. she was standing, facing away from me, propped up between my legs. she took in the playground scene. she turned to look up at her old man. she smiled sweetly. then, with her rabbit-sharp incisors, she took about 2 inches of flesh out of my inner thigh. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. so i did both. it was a funny sound.
it wasn't a one-time fluke either -- she bit me again today! i was crouched over her and an eight month old boy she was flirting with at the tot lot. she suddenly got very coy, very shy. she buried her face into my shoulder. then she champed at the bit of my collar bone. yowee.
so, yeah. the women in my life are turning on me. i am a cornered man. help a brother out, won't you? you'll recognize my by the haunted look in my eye. i'll be muttering, just barely under my breath: what did i do that was so bad? take me in. hold me. i might startle easily. a glass of wine will help soothe the nerves.
just don't offer me any chocolate chips.