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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

dads-to-be of the world, unite!




so in perusing the parenthood guides for future moms and dads and mostly moms, mr nice guy has found a disturbing trend ... parenting writers tend to take it as an article of faith that men are deadbeats! i am shocked -- shocked! -- by this portrayal of my noble sex. don't believe me? look:

  • "Several moms I spoke to knew from the start that the early months would be flown solo. They harbor no fantasies of Dad racing to the nursery for midnight feeding or leaving his office early to take the baby to the pediatrician." (The 7 Stages of Motherhood, p. 11) (a post script, it irks mr nice guy to no end that they left '7' in the title and didn't take the apparently agonizing pain to write out 'seven.' i guess cover ink was expensive that week.)

ok, look, i have a fancypants job too, but you know what?, you're DAMN RIGHT i'm going to hit the nursery for midnight feeding! how else am i going to sneak a little gin while mommy's asleep? and as for leaving the office early ... why, that's the best time to find hookers! no competition!

and this! from the ZERO TO THREE
website -- a noble bunch of folks if ever there was one. a little advice for pops-to-be:

  • "It's not unusual [is it just me or is tom jones TOTALLY stuck in your head now? -- ed.] for dads-to-be to feel a little left out during the pregnancy ... You can help set up the nursery, baby-proof the house, and get the car seat installed, as well as make decisions together about various plans--from getting to the hospital to career changes and caregiving decisions."

thanks, zero to three! guess who is now in charge of buying a bigger house in which to build a nursery, baby-proofing said house, planning for the future, assembling a crib, getting a better job, and buying a car in which to install said car seat! mrs nice guy and i both thank you for giving me this special role in my child's life. i am so happy now.

look, you know what? it's actually astonishing how poor the father-to-be literature out there is. why don't we all just buy "Attemping to be a Good Father but Failing Anyway Because Your Child Will Hate You Regardless For Dummies" and call it a day? because mr nice guy is astounded at what passes for fatherly wisdom these days. you mean working 32 hours a day is bad now? you mean i should change diapers occasionally? you mean i can't go to strip clubs with my boys any more? you mean i have to learn its name?! but this is hard! i want out.


7 Comments:

Blogger hcrippen said...

No, no, no, you don't learn it's name, then it expects things. You do what I do with my kids, you call it "child", and it is happy that you even know it lives there.

1/27/2005 12:58 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Thanks now I have Tom Jones playing in my head. I hate you!

1/27/2005 2:15 AM  
Blogger Chris Taylor said...

... to be loved by anyone, badabah dabah dah.

Thanks Mr Nice Guy.

I'll let you off as the post was, once again, enough to brighten a gloomy day with mirth.

1/27/2005 4:36 AM  
Blogger MeanMommy said...

oh yeah, parenting materials are so realistic. in parents magazine back in 2002 there was an article about the changes that come with a second baby. The author's solution to having a small apartment? Buy a house in upstate NY with 3 acres for the kids to run around on. Yeah, everyone i know has a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank just waiting to be spent!
/sarcasm

1/27/2005 12:41 PM  
Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

*wiping tears of laughter away and trying to catch breath*
Too funny... just too funny!

1/29/2005 7:12 AM  
Anonymous Pamela said...

Oh man, my husband is going to love this. Maybe even send you flowers and chocolates for so perfectly reflecting his feelings about the Men (and Daddies in Particular) Are Heartless, Clueless Idiots trend.

How do you not have a column somewhere? You're the spiffiest.

4/03/2005 12:28 PM  
Anonymous Kate said...

No joke. My husband is one of those people who feels better if he does a little reading. I went to Barnes and Noble one day to find him a book and flipped through a few. One had a whole section on justifying an affair for the last two trimesters.

If you have a son, you're expected to teach him to throw a ball. If you have a girl, all you need to do to be an "involved" dad is learn to hand over the credit cards, and be sure not to forget the diamond earrings and convertible at her sweet 16, and financing her $100k wedding.

I think the best thing my husband did as a new dad was to make sure I ate. Between nursing and pumping, I didn't sleep longer than an hour at a time for 2 months. I was so tired that I would not get around to eating, so he'd bring me all my meals in bed.

5/13/2005 9:34 PM  

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