dads-to-be of the world, unite!

so in perusing the parenthood guides for future moms and dads and mostly moms, mr nice guy has found a disturbing trend ... parenting writers tend to take it as an article of faith that men are deadbeats! i am shocked -- shocked! -- by this portrayal of my noble sex. don't believe me? look:

• "Several moms I spoke to knew from the start that the early months would be flown solo. They harbor no fantasies of Dad racing to the nursery for midnight feeding or leaving his office early to take the baby to the pediatrician." (The 7 Stages of Motherhood, p. 11) (a post script, it irks mr nice guy to no end that they left '7' in the title and didn't take the apparently agonizing pain to write out 'seven.' i guess cover ink was expensive that week.)

ok, look, i have a fancypants job too, but you know what?, you're DAMN RIGHT i'm going to hit the nursery for midnight feeding! how else am i going to sneak a little gin while mommy's asleep? and as for leaving the office early ... why, that's the best time to find hookers! no competition!

and this! from the ZERO TO THREE website -- a noble bunch of folks if ever there was one. a little advice for pops-to-be:

• "It's not unusual [is it just me or is tom jones TOTALLY stuck in your head now? -- ed.] for dads-to-be to feel a little left out during the pregnancy ... You can help set up the nursery, baby-proof the house, and get the car seat installed, as well as make decisions together about various plans--from getting to the hospital to career changes and caregiving decisions."

thanks, zero to three! guess who is now in charge of buying a bigger house in which to build a nursery, baby-proofing said house, planning for the future, assembling a crib, getting a better job, and buying a car in which to install said car seat! mrs nice guy and i both thank you for giving me this special role in my child's life. i am so happy now.

look, you know what? it's actually astonishing how poor the father-to-be literature out there is. why don't we all just buy "Attemping to be a Good Father but Failing Anyway Because Your Child Will Hate You Regardless For Dummies" and call it a day? because mr nice guy is astounded at what passes for fatherly wisdom these days. you mean working 32 hours a day is bad now? you mean i should change diapers occasionally? you mean i can't go to strip clubs with my boys any more? you mean i have to learn its name?! but this is hard! i want out.