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Monday, January 24, 2005

and they saw that it was good


file under: new era, dawn of a


behold! the nice guys have entered the 21st century. ok. about five years after you. (this, coincidentally, was exactly how long it took us to finish the marathon: five years). we have a digital camera! it works! instant gratification is ours! never again shall i be ungratified instantly. wait.

so that's the brooklyn bridge up there. also known as The Most Photogenic Thing In The Universe. click on it for an enlargement. do it! it's the lone thin string that connects us to manhattan (excluding, of course, the manhattan and williamsburg bridges, and the subway and various ferries, but no one's splitting hairs around here so why should you start?). mr nice guy took that picture last weekend, before The Snow. i think i shall post a new picture with every blog entry. and the picture will have nothing whatsoever to do with what i write about. and it will be good. and the children will sing and the men will weep and the women will expose unto me their supple breasts.

anyway. so we are almost six months pregnant. <-- can you tell what is wrong with that sentence? no? here, take mr nice guy's hand and he'll show you. not that hand, the other hand. good. still no clue? here's the answer: WE are not pregnant, SHE is. subtle distinction, i know. but every time you meet a man who says, with a twattish grin, "we are pregnant" slap him AS SOON AND AS HARD AS YOU CAN. because, of course, he (implicit in the "we") is categorically not pregnant. right? right. he is not pregnant; he is a twat.

sorry you had to hear that.

so. by my calculation, we are 5.783982716653 months pregnant. you know what that means, don't you? we are LONG overdue for a What to Expect When You're Expecting consultation. my bad and mea culpa. let's begin.

at this point in the baby baking bonanza, "avoid eating fried dishes (agemono, katsu, agedashi, tempura) as well as those that contain raw fish or seafood" (p. 229). ahem. well let me be the first to say WHAT? NO AGEDASHI?! HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE? sorry, but i can live without tempura and, yes, even katsu (crazy, i know), but the nice guys will not relinquish their agedashi EVER. you hear me?

and this! "intercourse will probably be restricted under the following circumstances: Anytime unexplained bleeding occurs" (p. 237). now, mr nice guy doesn't know about you, but he does know this: where there's unexplained blood, there's going to be sex. and how.

"Asking for or accepting medication is not a sign of failure or weakness" (p.251). excuse me, teacher? i have a question. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE ARE PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT TAKING DRUGS DURING CHILDBIRTH? ladeez, repeat after mr nice guy: "drugs are good. drugs make the world pretty and my husband funny. i like drugs." still not getting it? mr nice guy has reduced it to a simple algebraic formula for you:
  • pain = bad + easily avoidable.
  • drugs = your friend.
let's see, what else. "'I'm concerned about the rectal bleeding I've been having'" (p. 244). wait. did you not hear mr nice guy's stance on unexplained blood, so eloquently articulated in this very entry? looks like you'll have to stay after class and redo the reading.

5 Comments:

Blogger Kristin said...

You make me laugh. Laugh hard and out loud. Thank you.

1/25/2005 12:50 AM  
Blogger Alyssa De Jour said...

indeed, doesn't he? A very very funny guy! Love the photo by he way!

1/25/2005 4:36 AM  
Blogger Michael G said...

I need a slap, I feel like I have to say "we" are pregnant" and I do it often.

I want to say I pregnated my wife, but then she slaps me.

Whch one should I say?
We are Pregnant with our second child. (13 weeks)
I impregnated my wife 13 weeks ago.
My Wife is Pregnant. I am trying to remember if I was in town 13 weeks ago.

1/25/2005 6:21 PM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

you should tell everyone that you (as far as you know) knocked her up. that's my favorite.

1/25/2005 10:13 PM  
Blogger atmo said...

it gets worse AFTER the birth, when people start being all 'WE had a baby!' and i mean, no, WE didnt. theres a lot of differnce between pooping a watermellon out yourself, and watching someone else do it. it doesnt matter how supportive you were, or witty, or... whatever. THATS A DAMN BIG WATERMELLON, AND IT CAME OUT OF ME. NOT YOU.

errrr, not that im bitter towards my partner for taking half the credit of having our child. well... not any MORE, anyway :P

1/27/2005 12:08 PM  

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