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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

move over DC comics, here comes something meatier

so recently, over drinks, friends of mine and i got to talkin'. as is our wont. and here's what we concluded: the world doesn't have enough bona fide superheroes. but then we realized, collectively, simultaneously, that unbeknownst to me, i have been living with a superhero nigh on five-and-a-half months now!

look, this one's so obvious it's a wonder it hasn't been done before. she's got special powers, she's got a secret identity, she's got a sexy origin myth ... so let us introduce to you, the amazing, superfantastic, uber-hero: EL PREGGO.

skeptical? allow mr nice guy to run through the checklist comprising every superhero's key characteristics and then match that list up with mrs nice guy's own manifold traits. see if you can still avoid the unavoidable conclusion.
  • extraordinary powers? check: El Preggo's sense of smell rivals the olfaction of wild canines, which can detect odors at concentrations nearly 100 million times lower than us mere mortals.
  • an achilles' heel? check: with great power comes great vulnerability. or something. although El Preggo can outsniff the australian dingo, that same sense of smell has been known to act as her kryptonite, if you will. the strongest of scents (garlic, mr nice guy's laundry) have been known to paralyze her, render her unstable and even invoke nausea.
  • mystical abilities? check: fortunately for El Preggo, she has been able to turn her nausea into an asset! almost impossible to defeat, El Preggo will strike just when you think she is at her weakest. her mystical ability? why, it's targeted projectile vomition. or, as her nemesis has dubbed it, "the bazooka barf."
  • a nemesis with whom she must regularly do battle? check: you're looking at him.
  • a flamboyant, distinctive look? check: have you see that bulging belly? like Superman's cape and Wonderwoman's golden lariat (mmmm, tie me up and make me tell you the truth, Wonderwo -- uh, sorry, that was a typo), the Preggo Paunch is this superhero's dead giveaway.
  • advanced technology? check: sonograms, vitamin cream, breast pumps (well not yet anyway, but a dude can still dream)
  • secret identity? check: sewn by a tribe of unpaid tibetan teenagers that form a secret cabal known as GAP Maternity, El Preggo's belly bulge is concealed in civilian life, where she whiles away her time as a mild-mannered management consultant -- the perfect foil because no one has any idea what that is!

the best part? her origin story! many is the moment when mr nice guy looks back fondly upon the very moment mrs nice guy mystically transmogrified into El Preggo. people should really do that more often.

UPDATE: how silly of me! i forgot the best part: the sidekick. who, you might ask, is El Preggo's sidekick? why, of course, it's SquidKid, and it lives inside her! SquidKid's special power? it kicks! no kidney, bladder or abdominal lining is safe from the powerful kicks administered by El Preggo's fearsome and nimble-footed friend.


Blogger Kristin said...

Bazooka Barf.........the next new favorite gum of young and old! Oh, wait, ick. Never mind.

1/04/2005 10:05 PM  
Blogger Cattiva said...

Amazing it took you this long to figure it out.

Brilliant as always!

1/05/2005 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just finished reading your archives, as a survivor of Hyperemesis myself, I have to say it sucks man. Between you, me and the internet, the only thing that worked was a combo of Zofran and Cannabis.

1/09/2005 8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had someone been watching Mystery Men again???

Dale Ann

12/20/2005 1:15 AM  

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