subway etiquette 101
i wasn't with mrs nice guy, so i have a few questions about this supposed event: firstly, what parallel universe new york are you living in, woman? do people actually do this? voluntarily relinquish their hard-earned subway seat? man! i see a pregnant lady get on the train, my eyes IMMEDIATELY dart down to the newspaper/ipod/hustler i am carrying and i feign some DEEP interest. ain't no lady with no baby getting my seat, dig?
ok, all joking aside? what the fuck is wrong with people? the rules are simple: if you see a pregnant lady on the train, people, give up your goddamn seat. honestly. just by STANDING while you and your vuitton knockoff snuggle on a seat, these preggos are expending as much energy as if they were running a marathon and climbing kilimanjaro and surfing laird hamilton-sized waves all at once. (fuck, sounds like more fun than riding the mta, if you ask me, but apparently it's pretty punishing.) anyway, give it up. that oh-i-didn't-see-you-i-was-really-engrossed-in-this-article-on-tax-policy routine ain't working.
but i digress. do you realize what this means? mrs nice guy has for the first time been officially recognized as a pregnant person by a stranger! yay! good for her. her little belly is bulging. this was, of course, a highly risky move by the benevolent stranger. mr nice guy can easily imagine his own dashing bit of chivalry blowing right up in his ugly face.
mr nice guy: oh, you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a seat!
pregnant lady: uh. thanks for the seat, but i wasn't about to ask.
mr nice guy: tut, tut! i won't hear of a lady in the family way standing while a virile young buck such as myself has parked his posterior on prime subway property!
that's basically how it would go. so to play it safe i just always stand. even if every seat on the fucking train is free, i would rather avoid the trauma.
but mrs nice guy thanks you kind stranger! you have reaffirmed our faith in the subterranean commuting community of the greater new york area! and i guess this means not only is she really pregnant, but increasingly people can actually tell. and the excellent thing about being visibly pregnant is that the WHOLE WORLD knows you've done the nasty. aww yeah.
also, an etiquette side note: if someone has gray hair--or, for that matter, no legs--and they're standing on the subway, GIVE UP YOUR SEAT fuckface. it's really not that hard, for chrissakes. and it spreads a little happykarma. (and hell, if they have no legs and they're standing, you should give them some money too, cause i would pay to see that shit.)