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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

subway etiquette 101

ok so i guess she's officially preggers. someone on the subway OFFERED HER SEAT TO MY WIFE today. (note: it wasn't a man who did this.)

i wasn't with mrs nice guy, so i have a few questions about this supposed event: firstly, what parallel universe new york are you living in, woman? do people actually do this? voluntarily relinquish their hard-earned subway seat? man! i see a pregnant lady get on the train, my eyes IMMEDIATELY dart down to the newspaper/ipod/hustler i am carrying and i feign some DEEP interest. ain't no lady with no baby getting my seat, dig?

ok, all joking aside? what the fuck is wrong with people? the rules are simple: if you see a pregnant lady on the train, people, give up your goddamn seat. honestly. just by STANDING while you and your vuitton knockoff snuggle on a seat, these preggos are expending as much energy as if they were running a marathon and climbing kilimanjaro and surfing
laird hamilton-sized waves all at once. (fuck, sounds like more fun than riding the mta, if you ask me, but apparently it's pretty punishing.) anyway, give it up. that oh-i-didn't-see-you-i-was-really-engrossed-in-this-article-on-tax-policy routine ain't working.

but i digress. do you realize what this means? mrs nice guy has for the first time been officially recognized as a pregnant person by a stranger! yay! good for her. her little belly is bulging. this was, of course, a highly risky move by the benevolent stranger. mr nice guy can easily imagine his own dashing bit of chivalry blowing right up in his ugly face.

mr nice guy: oh, you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a seat!
pregnant lady: uh. thanks for the seat, but i wasn't about to ask.
mr nice guy: tut, tut! i won't hear of a lady in the family way standing while a virile young buck such as myself has parked his posterior on prime subway property!
pregnant lady: um. i'm not pregnant, asshead. go fuck yourself. and give me that seat.

that's basically how it would go. so to play it safe i just always stand. even if every seat on the fucking train is free, i would rather avoid the trauma.

but mrs nice guy thanks you kind stranger! you have reaffirmed our faith in the subterranean commuting community of the greater new york area! and i guess this means not only is she really pregnant, but increasingly people can actually tell. and the excellent thing about being visibly pregnant is that the WHOLE WORLD knows you've done the nasty. aww yeah.

also, an etiquette side note: if someone has gray hair--or, for that matter, no legs--and they're standing on the subway, GIVE UP YOUR SEAT fuckface. it's really not that hard, for chrissakes. and it spreads a little happykarma. (and hell, if they have no legs and they're standing, you should give them some money too, cause i would pay to see that shit.)


Blogger Jaime said...

On a side note: I've got to say that I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. I always get a chuckle.

Now to the main point: What's with the words-with-all-the-dashes-in-between-them. The dashes don't let the lines break (at least in Firefox) and then your beautiful layout gets broken and some of the text is hidden under the right column. Just wanted to make sure you knew that (and I don't want to miss any hidden jewels under the right-side column.

Keep up the good work.


12/15/2004 9:25 AM  
Blogger mr. nice guy said...

hmmm, don't know about this dash-between-words glitch. it looks fine on my computer though and i would have no idea how to fix it on yours. so i am afraid you might have to grin and bear it. or stop reading. which is clearly the wrong thing to do.

12/15/2004 10:06 AM  
Blogger jjudge said...

i've actually confused a non-prego for a prego. foot, me the mouth....there's no getting out of that one. i might as as well have mistook that woman for a man, she wouldn't have given me the same reaction.

great guide to subway etiquette. i suppose you could add people wearing a cast (or casts) or using crutches.

12/21/2004 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just found your blog and am doing some catching up reading (loving it), so forgive my late comment on this one. The rule I have always lived by is such: Never, under any circumstances say anything that implies you think a woman might be pregnant, unless you can see that there is a baby exiting her body AT THAT MOMENT. Otherwise you are just asking for trouble.

Dale Ann

12/20/2005 1:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bunch of seat nazis eh? Pregnant women/bleeding individuals aside, no one has any "right" to any seat...first come, first serve people and even if you are pregnant, you should ask for a one's obliged to just get up regardless of what you deem to be bad etiquette...

"grey haired" people are entitled to shit...take a cab if you're so old and tired...

12/18/2007 9:08 AM  

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