mr nice guy gets real ... can you HANDLE THIS?

excuse mr nice guy while he gets real for a minute. pasted below you will see THE ACTUAL BABY as it is currently squirming inside mrs nice guy. all of the photos thus far posted have been done through creative google searches and copyright violations. but that stops here! THIS is the real deal. this is the actual baby. this is the thing that has ruined my wife's life for the past 4.3 months:


but how will it walk?!

totally inscrutable, right? i know! just like its grandfather! actually if you squint, you can just barely make it out: the bulbous head, freakishly resembling john merrick's, floats stage center. basically, it's sucking its thumb (or making an obscene gesture). seriously, that bent arm-like thing actually is an arm! and it goes into its mouth! and look! ribs! it has ribs! mmm, delicious ribs.

i know you didn't want to be the one to bring it up, so i will spare you. you're wondering: where the hell are its legs? i have no idea. i swear when we were at the OB's office, we counted two legs and two arms. so we were happy. but close scrutiny of this printout reveals a robust torso and ... NO LEGS. egads. i know it takes 10 months (pregnancy myth numero uno: it's nine months long. WRONG! do the math 40 weeks = 10 months from where i sit, dude) to slow-roast a whole baby. but i thought the baby was made as a homogeneous unit. i didn't know it starts with the head and works its way down. because, i mean, look, no legs! those must be next on the list of things to develop. or else, how will it stand on the subway as people deny it a seat? it won't!

actually, i kid. there are legs in there somewhere. clearly the wee one has taken on its father's prankish sense of humor. it dodged the camera just as the flash went off -- oldest trick in the book. it has also obviously inherited its father's looks. that's right: the next time you see a legless, bulbous-headed john merrick thumb-sucker oozing down the street, you've got yourself a rare mr nice guy sighting. just be sure to take note of how dashingly handsome, virile and suave that legless, bulbous-headed john merrick oozing thumb-sucker is. because god DAMN that ultrasound is a picture of one GORGEOUS legless, bulbous-headed john merrick oozing thumb-sucker baby.

it also is clearly a genius. seriously. do the math. just a casual eyeball of that picture suggests to mr nice guy that his baby's brain makes up, what?, 30 percent of said baby's body mass. that is one SMART MOTHERFUCKER. for that, i credit its mother.