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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

what i did on my memorial day weekend

did you have a nice memorial day weekend? did you think of our fallen soldiers even once? no? well then, you had a nice memorial day weekend. and so did i. one more burger please, medium rare.

we did many things this weekend, my wife and child and i. we had many brunches, saw many babies, went to many parks. it was a nice long weekend. a rare weekend wherein mrs nice guy and i had not two but THREE consecutive days together. what a novelty!

anyway, as you can imagine we spent a whole bunch of time taking the kid to playgrounds. there is one lavish tot lot in particular -- the tot lot at 3rd street in prospect park -- where we frequently found ourselves. you brooklynites know what i'm talking about: toddler nirvana. nirtoddla. toddvana. or something.

the one problem i had with this weekend? it was too goddamn hot. TOO. HOT. i am a scrawny white translucent honky cracker ronald mcdonald carrot-top golem albino crybaby. the sun and i? we are not on speaking terms. when i take the baby to the tot lot in the middle of the day, the baby gets a wee dollop of spf 45. strong stuff, right? well, i get super-secret NASA-brand experimental beta-sun-colonist spf 739. i require about 4 applications of sunscreen per hour.

so on sunday afternoon, mrs nice guy and the baby and a couple of friends visiting from out of town and i were playing in the tot lot. it was 9,266,349,726 degrees outside. after about 3 seconds in the sun (with whom i may have mentioned i am not on speaking terms) i announced that i needed to go into the shade because i had suddenly discovered that i had stage 8 ovarian cancer. everyone said "ok. buh-bye." and let me wander off to find some shade alone. they were having too much "fun" in the "life-giving sun" to hang out with me, "mr. darkness," in the "soul-destroying" shade. such is my life.

i went off in search of some shade. would you like to know how much shade there is in the tot lot at 3rd street in prospect park? you would? let me tell you: VERY FUCKING PRECIOUS LITTLE.

i trundled off to a very very (very) far corner of the playground by myself. i trundled alone by myself. i found a bench in the shade. i sat on the bench. i looked across the vaaaast expanse of playground and i saw the antlike figures of my wife and child playing gleefully with love for each other. i felt very alone. i began applying, again, some sunscreen.

and then it dawned on me: to everyone in the immediate vicinity i appeared to be nothing more than a 31-year-old male with massive sideburns, sitting alone on a bench in a crowded playground, rubbing himself. with lotion.

would you like to know what i did? i didn't stop. i kept rubbing. a little girl, about 6 years old, ran up to her father, about 3 feet away from me, and said "daddy, i'm tired!" he pointed at my bench without looking and said "why don't you go sit over ..." and then he looked directly at me. and then the finger with which he was pointing redirected itself to an entirely different corner of the tot lot and he said "over there." the little girl looked at me (the nice, shady place he was pointing at in the first instance) and then at the distant corner of tot lot (the sun-baked lifeless hell-place he was pointing at in the second instance) and the wheels turned in her head. then she adjourned to the latter locale. gold star for her.

me? i picked up my creepy-man lotion and silently creeped back over to my family where their presence would make me appear less creepy.

ok, fine. you know what? i may have been Creepy Lotion-Rubbing Lonely Bench Guy at the tot lot. but! at least i wasn't Hot Pants Man. who, you might ask, is Hot Pants Man? why, he is a certain gentleman whose wife let him out of the house wearing shorts like THIS:

and also like THIS!!!!:

oh, Hot Pants Man. what happened to you? what made you like this? not only are you wearing a pair of shorts that are far shorter than anything in my wife's wardrobe, but you also are apparently partial to glittery man-sandals. "we wear short shorts" indeed! i mean, come on Hot Pants Man, this is brooklyn. who wakes up in the morning, gets dressed, looks in the mirror and says LOOKIN' SHARP!, especially when what he is seeing looks like THIS:

i was fascinated by this question. so fascinated that, as you can see, i was compelled -- much to the horror of mrs nice guy -- to take as many surreptitious pictures as possible while i was sitting on the bench, rubbing lotion into my porcelain-white skin.

you have to hand it to Hot Pants Man: he's got nice legs. tan. firm. not too furry. every time he came near, i tried to catch a little snippet of his conversation. here's what i learned: he's got a thick british accent. he's not american! fuck! this officially exculpates Hot Pants Man from his fashion transgressions. i mean, he is not of this place. he is not a native. cultural differences explain the shorts. he dresses not as he would at Grimaldi's or Peter Luger. no. he dresses as he would upon the Thames, or at the Old Vic, or whatever.

i, on the other hand, have no excuse. i am from here. i should know better. there is no good reason for me whatsoever to be sitting alone on a bench in a far flung corner of a playground, rubbing lotion into my tender lily-white thighs as i take pictures like this:

none! just arrest me now, ok?


Anonymous still_lurking said...

with this post, you might have just redeemed yourself from your smoker tirade. welcome back, nice guy.

5/30/2006 10:35 PM  
Blogger stay-at-home mommy said...

This one made me laugh out loud! British or not, there is no excuse for hot pants on anyone, especially a man!

5/31/2006 12:11 AM  
Anonymous samantha said...

Oh. My. God. I threw my head back with a mighty roar and scared the hubby. DAMN that was funny. Whew. What if Hot Pants Man's wife was sitting somewhere taking pictures of YOU and YOU'RE on a blog somewhere lotion-ing yourself? Ever think of that?

Off to Google now. . . .

5/31/2006 12:33 AM  
Anonymous justdawn said...

Is anyone else picturing the scene from Silence of the Lambs: "it rubs the lotion on it's skin"???


And creepier, still, that you were gleefully snapping shots of the scantily-clad Hot Pants Man whilst slathering yourself with lotion...

I love this place;)

5/31/2006 12:54 AM  
Blogger bernalgirl said...

I'm with you on the Hot Pants, but don't diss the Keens, okay? Glittery sandals? Those are reflector bars. So urban...

5/31/2006 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you apparently had a much more fun memorial day than we did!

5/31/2006 12:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Tender white thighs"? Mmm, now I'm hungry.

5/31/2006 11:01 AM  
Blogger Sheri said...

Laughed out loud until I cried a little. Thank God I'm alone!

5/31/2006 2:23 PM  
Blogger S.I.R said...

I think i should just mention that barely anyone (well, no-one) over here (UK) actually dresses like that, you must've changed him somehow...any inclination in his accent as to where in Uk he was from? (so i can avoid it)

5/31/2006 4:50 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Wow. Those shorts are an abomination. He's probably here in the states because he was kicked out of Great Britain for wearing shorts like that.

5/31/2006 6:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i wonder if the man would have been okay with sending his daughter in the direction of hot pants man.

5/31/2006 9:06 PM  
Blogger Shna said...

Sweet Corn, that was hilarious! I laughed so hard I thin I hurt myself. Thank you, thank you so much. :)

5/31/2006 9:27 PM  
Anonymous andrea said...

i was guessing that mr. h.p. was euro but british makes it even more funny.

5/31/2006 10:58 PM  
Blogger jess said...

oh hot pants mocker- thanks for the chuckle

6/01/2006 1:09 AM  
Anonymous sheameister said...

Gotta agree with bernalgirl--don't knock the Keens until you've tried 'em. However, those shorts really are something else. He DOES have excellent legs... but dude, seriously.

6/01/2006 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Kristin said...

I just wanted you to know that this was the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

Check Blogging Baby tonight if you have the chance.

6/01/2006 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Toronto Mommy said...

Hilarious! I agree with still_lurking - I was scared to come back after the smoking entry (no one swears in Canada :P) but now we're back to the awesome hilarious posts. Love the pictures! Also really liked the ones of BNG from her birthday screaming for MORE cake ... she'd get along with my 2 year old boy swimmingly:)

6/01/2006 1:13 PM  
Blogger Tessa said...

"i am a scrawny white translucent honky cracker ronald mcdonald carrot-top golem albino crybaby."

Awesome sentence, sir. Very good.

6/01/2006 1:16 PM  
Blogger the Fool said...

Why must you all ridicule my shorts? I'll have you know they were my favorite pair of Girbaud jeans when I was in 7th grade. This was the only way I could prolong the life span on these chick magnets. Thanks for noticing! I'm honored

Fancy Pants

6/01/2006 9:20 PM  
Blogger honey said...

well, I think HPMan just needed to show off his legs... and maybe he's one of those divorced dads trying to pick up a single mom at the playground?

See, I was trying to look around his legs to see what kind of strollers y'all roll around in over in Prospect Park (I haven't been there in 16 years). You're somewhat disturbed/-ing but I like me some Mr. Nice Guy to brighten up my day.

6/02/2006 1:42 AM  
Blogger just me for now said...

hello? europeans, and thus the british, wear speedos. 'nuf said.

6/02/2006 5:12 PM  
Anonymous Noelle said...

I may never stop laughing.

6/02/2006 6:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe hp man is just gay, isn't that his partner over there by the slide? Now really, who else would wear shorts so beautifully defining his quads, and his amazingly high, round, and firm buttox?

6/02/2006 10:31 PM  
Blogger Teeny said...

Ok, I'm British (Scottish actually but whatever) and shorts like that are DEFINITELY NOT ACCEPTABLE HERE. Hot Pants Man, what are you doing to us?!!!

6/03/2006 6:28 AM  
Anonymous marian said...

well, I think it might have been hot pants man's husband, not his wife, who let him out of the house looking like that. it's not that he's from a different country, it's that he's playing on a different team.

6/03/2006 11:04 AM  
Blogger The other me said...

Ok, british lady here, actually in England as we speak, the reason hot pants man is so attired is because he was born abd bred here. Over here, if the sun shines you get out in it QUICK! You expose as much fkesh as you can, preferably slathered in vegetable oil to encourage cooking, fast cooking, deep fried tan as fast as possible on as much skin as possible.YOu have to try and get brown in the 17 minutes the sun is out. God love him, old habits die hard, he probably will take about 38 years to work out that he isn't in England any more. that he could quite safely wear longer shorts and sit on a bench and even borrow some of your sun lotion and STILL get a tan.
The glittery man sandals? Can't help you there, although I am suprised he didn't have socks, english men almost always wear socks with sandals, that's if they are fool enough to fork out for sandals when the chances are it'll rain as soon as you put them on.

6/04/2006 3:36 AM  
Anonymous cori said...

I am afraid that I wept with laughter, while reading aloud to my husband about HPM and have come out of the lurker closet as a big fan and frequent reader, who wishes to stalk you en famille from the Tea Lounge to the Tot Lot, but will refrain (since my kidlets would be really pissy about walking all over Brooklyn) so as not to collect any visits from CPS myself. You, sir, rock.

6/04/2006 9:26 PM  
Anonymous mothergoosemouse said...

Ditto Tessa - loved that sentence in particular.

And since I finally got a camera phone, I am all about the surreptitious photography of ridiculousness. Thank you for sharing HPM.

6/05/2006 11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What else is going on in your hood?
Does HPman have another outfit? Has the smoker lady been brought to her knees? Is bng talking? Sorry about Billy Preston, that's sad.

6/10/2006 2:46 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

Holy Hot Pants Man!

You know he was probably second-guessing his fashion choice until he noticed some stranger taking photos of his short-shorts *ahem* and now he's convinced that they must look great.

7/27/2006 6:22 AM  
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Anonymous credit score repair said...

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Anonymous Baranito said...

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