just when you'd totally given up on my ass

hello there. how are you? you look familiar. have i seen you around here before?

i know, i know. i haven't been by much lately. it's got nothing to do with you, though, i swear. it's me. things have been incredibly hectic at work. you know, work, right? that place i go now that my extended leave has ended. back to the world of grown-ups and all that jazz.

anyway, i have been a very bad blogger. i know. i had committed to write a mother's day thingie as part of kara's project-in-blog. i had created a playlist and i was going to put streaming audio on the site and hook you all up with the illest mother's day mix of all time (it would have included such gems as suicidal tendencies' "i saw your mommy..." and "oh mother, the handsome man tortures me" by some unidentified iraqi pop singer). other blogs have generously (and/or misguidedly) invited me to participate and write for them and stuff, and although i am a slut who usually can't say "no" (blogfathers, what?), i am going to have to start saying no so i can, oh, i don't know, concentrate on getting my real-life work done and maybe occasionally update my own damn blog for starters. you know, for all 5 of my loyal readers.

so i am going to try to make it up to you all with this first-birthday-and-mother's-day combo update post. here we go:

ever wonder what mr nice guy sees through his own eyes? let's start with work. i was at the office until 8 on thursday, then i came home to mother-in-law goodness -- she and step-father-in-law drove down from vermont, promising to bring our much-maligned exersaucer with them when they left. mrs nice guy had cooked a delicious feast, which i ate while checking e-mail and doing more work. then i went back to the office on friday while mrs nice guy stayed home to party prep with her folks. i was at the office until 9 on friday before coming home to my own mater nice guy goodness -- she flew in from LA and her flight was only three hours late! yay, moms in the house. anyway, this is what i was staring at from my office throne, waiting to be able to go home to see all the ladies in my life:

i normally work on saturdays, but since the grandmas had descended for a weekend of baby, i took the last one off to be with the kid and her extended maternal network. you know what time it was, right? it was burfday bbq time! (mmm, baby's back ribs, hot off the grill.)

first up: what to wear? i donned my traditional tuxedo t-shirt party attire. next up, dress the bambina. a few months ago a friend gave the baby an awesome toile sundress. saturday, being sunnier than it had been forecast, was the perfect day for the dress to make its debut:

see? she's wearing your grandma's bathroom wallpaper.

next up: purchase balloons. a quick tip for balloon shoppers: buy the latex balloons. sure they only stay inflated for about 16 minutes, if you're lucky. but their more durable mylar cousins cost THREE FUCKING DOLLARS per balloon. we opted for latex at $8 a dozen. we don't love our baby enough for mylar. also, when latex balloons deflate, they make festive condoms. perfect for all your birthday orgy needs.

mrs nice guy channeled her inner-martha while i worked on friday. she baked the birthday cake. two birthday cakes, actually -- buttermilk cake with homemade chocolate frosting deliciousness slathered along all four walls. note: it's about 1 pm on the day of the bbq when this picture was taken, a good hour before guests began arriving, and mater-in-law nice guy is already hitting her daughter's sangria. this is how we roll, thank you vsop much:

the cake was a hit with the guest of honor:


"you mean i get to eat all of this? you mean you're not going to stop me? this is the greatest day of my life."

well. what began as stunned gratitude devolved slightly as the confectioner's sugar began to trickle into the baby's blood stream. she ate a piece easily twice as big as my head. far from feeling sated, she demanded MORE:

i am pretty sure she got what she wanted. i say "pretty sure" because by the time i went to bed at midnight on saturday, i had been drinking for 10 solid hours. still, the cake was for her after all. and it was a beautiful day and a beautiful occasion with good vibes a-flowin', so why not let the wee sugar junky have her way for an afternoon? lord knows when she hits three she'll be cleaning up after herself and mixing us drinks all day. besides, she's been getting a lot of exercise lately. did i not mention that? oh, well, yeah: she walks now. she walks. total mobility achieved.

i'm sorry, but did you read that last bit and fully comprehend it and sloosh it around in your mouth for a minute before swallowing it? she walks, i said. SHE. WALKS. my life is over. thank god i have my office sanctuary five days a week.

adorably, she spent all day mother's day exploring this new skill of hers. she had been walking for about a week, but this was the first day she finally connected all the dots in her tiny brain. "you mean i can go here if i want to? and here? hey, move out of my way old man. how about if i walk over to the litter box ... GODDAMN IT IF YOU PICK ME UP ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO GO MIKE TYSON ALL OVER YOUR LEFT EAR."

all in all, a total success. she had her party, but more importantly, we had ours. she was in a great, albeit overstimulated, mood all weekend. she was like speedy gonzalez on crank for about two days there. so many adoring guests! both grandmothers got some serious bonding time. on saturday i got to stand at the grill all day and not once have to divert the child away from all the exposed wires and flaming knives in the apartment. it was, to paraphrase Ice Cube, a good weekend.

it's trite, it's hackneyed, it's a cliche, but i can't believe a year has gone by -- the days dragged but the weeks flew by. where did they go? my baby is a baby no longer. she's a toddler now. she walks! she has a personality, a will. soon she will be riding a tricycle. then she'll be driving. she'll have a family of her own. at some point after that i'll be dead. she is, in fact, the first nail in my coffin. i wouldn't have it any other way; it's the cycle of life. it all evens out in the end: i mean, she doesn't know it yet, but she still has years of math class ahead of her, and me, i never have take another final exam again.