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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

just when you'd totally given up on my ass

hello there. how are you? you look familiar. have i seen you around here before?

i know, i know. i haven't been by much lately. it's got nothing to do with you, though, i swear. it's me. things have been incredibly hectic at work. you know, work, right? that place i go now that my extended leave has ended. back to the world of grown-ups and all that jazz.

anyway, i have been a very bad blogger. i know. i had committed to write a mother's day thingie as part of kara's project-in-blog. i had created a playlist and i was going to put streaming audio on the site and hook you all up with the illest mother's day mix of all time (it would have included such gems as suicidal tendencies' "i saw your mommy..." and "oh mother, the handsome man tortures me" by some unidentified iraqi pop singer). other blogs have generously (and/or misguidedly) invited me to participate and write for them and stuff, and although i am a slut who usually can't say "no" (blogfathers, what?), i am going to have to start saying no so i can, oh, i don't know, concentrate on getting my real-life work done and maybe occasionally update my own damn blog for starters. you know, for all 5 of my loyal readers.

so i am going to try to make it up to you all with this first-birthday-and-mother's-day combo update post. here we go:

ever wonder what mr nice guy sees through his own eyes? let's start with work. i was at the office until 8 on thursday, then i came home to mother-in-law goodness -- she and step-father-in-law drove down from vermont, promising to bring our much-maligned exersaucer with them when they left. mrs nice guy had cooked a delicious feast, which i ate while checking e-mail and doing more work. then i went back to the office on friday while mrs nice guy stayed home to party prep with her folks. i was at the office until 9 on friday before coming home to my own mater nice guy goodness -- she flew in from LA and her flight was only three hours late! yay, moms in the house. anyway, this is what i was staring at from my office throne, waiting to be able to go home to see all the ladies in my life:

i normally work on saturdays, but since the grandmas had descended for a weekend of baby, i took the last one off to be with the kid and her extended maternal network. you know what time it was, right? it was burfday bbq time! (mmm, baby's back ribs, hot off the grill.)

first up: what to wear? i donned my traditional tuxedo t-shirt party attire. next up, dress the bambina. a few months ago a friend gave the baby an awesome toile sundress. saturday, being sunnier than it had been forecast, was the perfect day for the dress to make its debut:

see? she's wearing your grandma's bathroom wallpaper.

next up: purchase balloons. a quick tip for balloon shoppers: buy the latex balloons. sure they only stay inflated for about 16 minutes, if you're lucky. but their more durable mylar cousins cost THREE FUCKING DOLLARS per balloon. we opted for latex at $8 a dozen. we don't love our baby enough for mylar. also, when latex balloons deflate, they make festive condoms. perfect for all your birthday orgy needs.

mrs nice guy channeled her inner-martha while i worked on friday. she baked the birthday cake. two birthday cakes, actually -- buttermilk cake with homemade chocolate frosting deliciousness slathered along all four walls. note: it's about 1 pm on the day of the bbq when this picture was taken, a good hour before guests began arriving, and mater-in-law nice guy is already hitting her daughter's sangria. this is how we roll, thank you vsop much:

the cake was a hit with the guest of honor:

"you mean i get to eat all of this? you mean you're not going to stop me? this is the greatest day of my life."

well. what began as stunned gratitude devolved slightly as the confectioner's sugar began to trickle into the baby's blood stream. she ate a piece easily twice as big as my head. far from feeling sated, she demanded MORE:

i am pretty sure she got what she wanted. i say "pretty sure" because by the time i went to bed at midnight on saturday, i had been drinking for 10 solid hours. still, the cake was for her after all. and it was a beautiful day and a beautiful occasion with good vibes a-flowin', so why not let the wee sugar junky have her way for an afternoon? lord knows when she hits three she'll be cleaning up after herself and mixing us drinks all day. besides, she's been getting a lot of exercise lately. did i not mention that? oh, well, yeah: she walks now. she walks. total mobility achieved.

i'm sorry, but did you read that last bit and fully comprehend it and sloosh it around in your mouth for a minute before swallowing it? she walks, i said. SHE. WALKS. my life is over. thank god i have my office sanctuary five days a week.

adorably, she spent all day mother's day exploring this new skill of hers. she had been walking for about a week, but this was the first day she finally connected all the dots in her tiny brain. "you mean i can go here if i want to? and here? hey, move out of my way old man. how about if i walk over to the litter box ... GODDAMN IT IF YOU PICK ME UP ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO GO MIKE TYSON ALL OVER YOUR LEFT EAR."

all in all, a total success. she had her party, but more importantly, we had ours. she was in a great, albeit overstimulated, mood all weekend. she was like speedy gonzalez on crank for about two days there. so many adoring guests! both grandmothers got some serious bonding time. on saturday i got to stand at the grill all day and not once have to divert the child away from all the exposed wires and flaming knives in the apartment. it was, to paraphrase Ice Cube, a good weekend.

it's trite, it's hackneyed, it's a cliche, but i can't believe a year has gone by -- the days dragged but the weeks flew by. where did they go? my baby is a baby no longer. she's a toddler now. she walks! she has a personality, a will. soon she will be riding a tricycle. then she'll be driving. she'll have a family of her own. at some point after that i'll be dead. she is, in fact, the first nail in my coffin. i wouldn't have it any other way; it's the cycle of life. it all evens out in the end: i mean, she doesn't know it yet, but she still has years of math class ahead of her, and me, i never have take another final exam again.


Anonymous samantha said...

I NEVER gave up. Always came back to look for more.

Happy 1st Birthday! And she's beautiful by the way. Those eyes! How can you not give her anything she asks for? I'd be putty in her hands.

Thanks for the great post. Welcome back :-)

5/17/2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger zygote daddy said...

Holy crap, man. I'm still laughing out loud. Those pictures of her demanding more cake are absolutely priceless, and essential for pulling out when she brings dates over.

And by the way, you have the most awesome office in the world. Everyone needs a little Rummy on a dartboard and a freaky Robert Crumb staring down at them.

5/17/2006 2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MNG, I didn't give up either and I'm so thrilled to see a birthday post complete with photos! She's gorgeous!


Loyal Reader #6 who's never posted a comment before, but has to let you know how she checks your blog every day

5/17/2006 4:09 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I like your socks. Your little girl is beautiful. Now that she walks, doe s she scream at you when you try to carry her?

5/17/2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger Catharine said...

She's really cute. And to think, she's a "first pancake"... Congratulations on surviving Birthday Party No. 1. May all the others go as smoothly. (But they won't. Just so's you know.)


5/17/2006 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh where oh where has my mr. nice guy gone? i used to check daily i used to be in love, but where has mr. sarcastic, funny nice guy gone? work is ruining your blog and my pathetic life. sigh.

5/17/2006 8:51 PM  
Blogger Mama Grouch said...

You do feel never post that many pictures of your gorgeous little girl. I know lots of people are going to try to make a match so I wanted to get my plug in early:

The Creep is 6 months old, adorable, open to new foods (currently rice cereal, winter squash, peas and avocado), is in the 100th percentile across the board (so that means he has a big head and a big ass), and loves his mother very much - do you think baby nice guy might be interested?

5/17/2006 10:09 PM  
Blogger Emsxiety said...

Absolutely GORGEOUS. Happy Birthday BNG.

5/17/2006 11:23 PM  
Blogger Dutch said...

you get to watch old episodes of beverly hills 90210 at work? crap, you do have a sweet gig. I thought my boss was lucky because he watches taped episodes of the west wing while eating full racks of ribs at his desk.

and thanks for giving us a glimpse of the cutie.

5/18/2006 1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MNG, she is sooo beautiful! You and Mrs. MNG are truly blessed to have such a angel.

5/18/2006 8:43 AM  
Anonymous marian said...

Wow! Photos of the beautiful birthday girl! Loyal reader #7 feels honored.... and you really weren't gone that long.

5/18/2006 9:05 AM  
Anonymous lil said...

1. cute.

2. Nice chuck's...quite old school. You must have been a middlerschooler in the 80's.

5/18/2006 9:17 AM  
Anonymous elana said...

happy birthday, baby nice guy. you're adorable!

5/18/2006 9:22 AM  
Anonymous JGS said...

Happy Birthday!!! I know what you're saying, how can a year feel so long, but go by so fast? It's kind of like college time all over again; 72 hour days, but only 3 day weeks.

Congratulations on making the first year and good to see you again.

5/18/2006 10:32 AM  
Blogger Moo Moo said...

What a gorgeous lil girl! She looks thrilled for her cake... now she will get up at like 3 am begging for more cake NOW.. hehe

5/18/2006 10:53 AM  
Blogger Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Nice chucks and nice Suicidal reference.

I used to play that song over and over when I was mad at my Mom. I was such an asshole. When my daughter is a teenager I am so screwed.

5/18/2006 11:03 AM  
Blogger printmaker123 said...

ahhhh! she is so cute! Wow one year ago I was living in Italy and found your blog...time flys. Thanks for the pics, she is perfect.

5/18/2006 1:37 PM  
Anonymous DoulaGal said...

I think your daughter and my niece were separated at birth!! they absolutely look the same!!

Happy birthday to her!!

5/18/2006 9:52 PM  
Blogger le.voyageur said...

hee hee, very cute.. must do this with our wee dudeling...

5/19/2006 3:45 AM  
Anonymous JustLinda said...

Happy berfday, nice-guy-baby!!!

The best is yet to come. My little one turns 2 this weekend. 2 is my faaaavorite age. I love 2. I want to aquanet her so she is STUCK right here at two. So she can keep saying "I wug you, mom-mom. I need hugs." to me.

When my 4th baby turned 1, she shared a birthday party with her cousin, born on the same day of the same year. My kid finished her cake and then reached over and swiped the cake off her cousin's plate. I got it all on film. Yep, she's her mama's daughter..

5/19/2006 6:20 AM  
Blogger Alexis said...

My God - she is the cutest baby ALIVE!! Glad you had a great weekend - I just started reading your blog from the beginning so I could continue laughing my ass off. I also had a fever - awesome combo. xxx

5/19/2006 6:53 AM  
Anonymous Claudia said...

Mr. Nice Guy,

If you're an R. Crumb fan, my stad usually has some R. Crumb stuff on eBay:

Loved the photos of BNG's party! My daughter is a couple weeks older than yours and alas . . . she walketh not.

5/19/2006 9:23 AM  
Blogger DesertJade said...

I have been reading since before BNG was born, and you still make me laugh! I can't believe she is one! Thanks for the pics, she really is beautiful. There are too many comments to make at the office pic, so I will just leave it with "nice socks".

Thank YOU for not giving up the blog!

5/19/2006 10:01 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

YAY! Happy birthday nice guys! Thank you for the full frontal baby pics! She is a beauty!!!

Also- I want to work where I can wear jeans and converse sneakers and have pictures of Bushie on my dart board!

5/20/2006 8:03 AM  
Blogger bunmaster said...

She's gorgeous dude. Gorgeous!

Also impressive, your knowledge of toile. You are the ultimate Rennaissance Man.

5/21/2006 9:15 AM  
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