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Saturday, August 20, 2005

this is interesting only for those who care about the finer points of napping. even i got bored reading it.

yesterday was a trial run. mrs nice guy goes back to work part-time monday and i will be home alone ALL DAY with the child, who we have officially renamed wendigo. yesterday she worked half a day, leaving me all alone with my tormentor.

it went incredibly smoothly.

eleven days on the cape and vermont, followed by a week in los angeles, i believe has profoundly brain damaged the baby. so it's time to get her on a rigid schedule. enter the Nap Nazi. the Nap Nazi, as per all the experts, does not let his daughter be awake for more than two hours at a stretch. and indeed: when she has been up for about an hour or so, she starts getting a little unfocused, a little grumpy. so the Nap Nazi begins to prepare her for her nap. he reads to her, he rocks her, he puts her in the crib the second her eyelids droop. the Nap Nazi does not let her get overtired. after waking up at 8 am yesterday, she was fed, changed, played with ... and asleep by 9:40! she slept for 50 minutes! the Nap Nazi was victoriant!

after her morning snooze, she got up, got changed, played some more, ate at about 11:15, and started getting a little fussbudgety again. enter the Nap Nazi. same drill: read, rock, coo. in bed while awake, but drowsy. this time, she mounted a small resistance and the Nap Nazi doubted his resolve. but then! she slept! she had only been up for an hour and a half, but she slept for nearly two and and a half hours! the secret: apparently, the child does not like being awake for two hours at a stretch.

how do i know this for sure? because after her totally rad afternoon nap (during which she woke up, cried out ... and soothed herself back to sleep!), she did not get another nap. when we tried to put her to bed at 6:30 pm, she howled like a deranged rabid she-wolf separated from her helpless cubs ... for THREE HOURS -- during which time i introduced mrs nice guy the profound gratification incurred from punching things as hard as possible. you should see her furiously pound her little wife-fists into the bed. bless.

anyway. the lesson? this baby needs at least three naps a day. she's taking one now. it took us 20 minutes to get her to sleep, but that's better than three hours and she's been down for more than half an hour already. so, obviously i am totally almost sort of moderately ready for next week. kinda.

damn. all this doing battle has made me catastrophically unfunny. i need coffee. and a nap. and probably sex. preferably all at once.

UPDATE (just five sleepless hours later): of course you realize what the problem with the whole "nap nazi" nomenclature is, aside from tastelessness, don't you?

the nazis lost the war.


Anonymous Matthew said...

Uh Oh. I smell a little hubris on your part. You do realize that showing any bit of cockiness when it comes to this parenting thing will always mean trouble.

Good luck, though. I'm rooting for you!

8/20/2005 3:18 PM  
Blogger Candace said...

Uh-oh. I was with you, cheering and all, until you reminded me about the outcome of the last war the Nazis were in.

How about calling yourself something else? I was going to put in some really clever nickname, but I'm drawing a blank because I have two kids and my brain is mush thanks to their infancies.

Can we call her Wendi for short?

8/20/2005 6:03 PM  
Anonymous minty said...

we called ours Spawn of Satan. And sometimes just Bardo Baby.

8/20/2005 8:40 PM  
Anonymous crazedparent said...

you've been reading the baby whisperer, haven't you.

8/21/2005 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe Bill Cosby called his second born Beelzebub. The first was angle, so they decided to have another one quickly.

8/21/2005 10:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck today Mr. Nice Guy. Take her out for a long walk, sit on a sidewalk cafe and have people admire that happy sleepless baby.

8/22/2005 8:49 AM  
Blogger Mom on the run said...

LOL - great post - I've become the nap nazi at my place too - I was just about to blog about my techniques when I googled "nap nazi" and came across your blog. I just put the "allies" to bed, screaming and complaining 15 min ago - I turned on the monitor just now - and alas! All is quiet up there!

8/23/2005 12:29 PM  

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