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Monday, October 18, 2004

someone ought to kill me to avenge my wife

by the way, the parents are still in town. with pater and mater, mr. nice guy has been chewing his way through this big apple like a clan of worms. you will notice that mrs. nice guy is not on the list of those with whom mr. nice guy has been cruising the city. this is because mr. nice guy has been a very good host. and a very horrible husband. here's how saturday went, a day which started with me at the office and the folks on a ferry...
  • while mr. nice guy's parents were sailing around the statue of liberty, mrs. nice guy was at home puking.
  • while mr. nice guy was wrapping up some things at the office and awaiting the arrival of his parents for lunch, mrs. nice guy was barfing.
  • while mr. nice guy and his parents were enjoying lunch at the burger joint, mrs. nice guy was at home yakking.
  • while mr. nice guy and his parents repaired to the marriott in times square for a scenic drink at the hotel bar, mrs. nice guy was at home retching.
  • while mr. nice guy and his parents enjoyed an after-lunch overrated cupcake from magnolia bakery, mrs. nice guy heaved bile at home.
  • while mr. nice guy and his parents enjoyed a marvelous dinner at locanda vini & olii, mrs. nice guy sobbed hysterically as she spewed sporadically.
  • and as mr. nice guy and his parents chuckled at a friend's show at the upright citizens brigade, mrs. nice guy finally passed out on the bathroom floor, exhausted from vomiting.
  • also, she was vomiting.

mr. nice guy called home a few times to listen to his beloved wife weep. his heart broke with more vehemence than he knew he could stand (good thing he was drunk).

but really, his parents had never visited him in new york (and he was beginning to wonder if being so insistent on their coming was wise). he was torn between filial responsibilities and husbandly duty. alas, the role of son won and he was a damn good guide, if he does say so himself--charming, informed, generous. but now he loathes himself for abandoning his bride on a day of dire disgorging. mrs. nice guy now slumbers, sapped of all vitality. and mr. nice guy sits in the dark, stewing in self-hatred.

clearly, it's time to self-induce a little sympathy nausea ... paging doctors ernest and julio gallo, you are needed in the den. stat.


Blogger Cattiva said...

You must immediately down a bottle of that crap that induces vomiting when the kids guzzle the Drano. Only after a bottle of ipecac will you be even. Repeat everyday. And did this to her.


10/19/2004 2:28 PM  
Blogger Alexis said...

Perhaps the funniest thing I ever read (and now that the guppy is here - you have probably forgotten the fierce vomitorium that was once your home). You rock - I love your writing. x

5/13/2006 5:42 PM  

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